Love Leads Through the Darkness
by sangreal7
Summary: *RATING CHANGED* The deepest longings of your heart can lead you to life-altering decisions.  What will it take for Penelope to discover the true meaning of love and family, and how far from herself will this journey take her? Follows "Reason to Stay"
1. Contemplating the End

_**A/N: Hello everyone! I just wanted to give a little background for this story as I begin to post it. This is a long AN, so please bear with me. It's the only one that will be this long.**_

_**I'm back with my first long story in pretty much forever! This is a very special story to me. **__**I started this story last year after I watched the first half of Season 5 on DVD. I began writing it because I was heartbroken by the way things were going between my favorite couple during the majority of Season 5.**_

_**The story begins approximately a year and a half after the events in the episode '100'. It is important to note however, that the story becomes **__**completely altered canon**__** after the events in 'Risky Business'. Also, this is the longer story mentioned in the AN for "Reason to Stay". It isn't necessary to read that one first, however.**__** I truly hope everyone enjoys it! A little warning however – it's very angsty, and will be that way for a bit.**_

_**The song quoted is **__**I Believe in You**__** by Il Divo. For me, it completely captures Penelope in this story. The title of the story is also taken from the song. **_

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little :)**_

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Chapter 1 – Contemplating the End

**_Lonely, the path you have chosen. A restless road, no turning back  
One day you will find your light again. Don't you know? Don't let go. Be strong _**

Seated at the small table in her apartment's cozy kitchen, Penelope took a moment to savor the delicious smell of the cup of coffee she had just poured. The gourmet beans were an indulgence – albeit a small one – that usually acted as her instant mood improver. A part of her knew that it wouldn't work today.

The room around her was, more than almost any other in the comfortable apartment, an extension of her eclectic personality. The round wooden table she'd found at an upstate garage sale was painted in a beautiful shade of robin's egg blue. On it, she had stenciled a design of placemats the color of coral. It was on one of these spots that she now rested her coffee cup.

The small action gave her a momentary respite from what had become a wearying existence. She knew she'd probably be crying again in a moment, but at least for now the coffee soothed her senses.

Reaching out, Penelope took a cupcake from the pretty centerpiece in the middle of the table, and took a small bite of the rich sweet. She'd seen the idea for the centerpiece in a magazine, and had first recreated it in the early days of her marriage, when everything about her life was full of excitement and promise. She remembered how much fun it had been to create cute and unique ways to surprise him. She had baked again today in an attempt to recover the memory of that happiness. It lifted her spirits for a little while.

It didn't last.

A wash of feeling – loss fighting regret for prominence – rolled over her as she remembered sharing coffee with a different group of people at another time in her life. It was a different existence, far superior to this one, and the intensity of the feelings prompted the silent tears to finally overflow and make their way down her cheeks. She stared blankly at the wall in front of her, not quite seeing the small but noticeable brownish stain that marred the otherwise pretty yellow paint.

The stain was the result of _him_ throwing the balance of a bottle of red wine against the wall just over two months ago. She had never imagined that he had that kind of rage in him … or that he would ever turn it toward her. The worst part was that his anger was over something really stupid. She'd wanted to go out, and he didn't. The occasion had been the celebration of their first wedding anniversary.

More tears rolled down her cheeks and fell to salt the coffee now forgotten on the table in front of her.

How had they come to this? It was so not the forever she had had in mind when she had said 'I do'. She had had so much hope when she first said 'yes' to him. It was supposed to be the beginning of the rest of her life with the man she loved. They would make a wonderful life together, raise a family, and grow old together. It should have been her one real chance to have everything she ever wanted in life – love and a family of her own. It was supposed to be forever. Penelope released a staccato bark of rueful laughter into the otherwise silent room. _Who the hell knew 'forever' was less than two years long_!

_It wasn't supposed to be this way. _Well, repeating it – even in your own head – didn't make it any less true. When they'd left Virginia for New York, although saying goodbye to the rest of her BAU family had been hard, her new life had beckoned with so much enticement and promise.

The ease with which everything had fallen into place, Penelope had taken as proof that getting married and moving to New York were just meant to be. To be honest, when he had first suggested that they both transfer to the New York office, she'd been stunned. She couldn't understand why he would want to leave their entire history behind them in Quantico. After a while, though, he had managed to persuade her.

He talked about getting an apartment together; going to work together every day, even if they'd be in different departments. The fraternization rules wouldn't apply, because they'd already be married before they began their new jobs – it still meant they couldn't work in the same department, but they'd be in the same building and be able to see each other all the time. He had convinced her that nothing much would change.

Instead, everything had.

She'd left it all behind and in the last eight months had felt that loss stronger than ever. Penelope couldn't even pinpoint a time when she knew her marriage was failing, despite every effort that she made. No matter how hard she tried to make a good home for him, as the months passed, he had begun to spend more time with his new buddies from work. He needed space, he told her.

After a while the lonely nights became the norm, rather than the exception.

No, Penelope couldn't say when her marriage had started to fail, but she knew exactly when she understood that he was leaving her. That was the day he had told her that she wasn't the same person he had married. The day he said there was no fun, no spontaneity in their marriage anymore. The day he said he wanted more out of life than to spend the whole of it in an apartment in New York.

Glancing down, Penelope remembered the coffee. It was cold now. Picking up the cup, she poured the liquid into the sink. She had to stop drinking so much of it anyway. It wasn't as though it helped either. As she stared out of the little window over the sink, she told herself that she had to stop crying, and make some kind of plan.

He'd been leaving her for the last six weeks. She was only waiting on the final blow to fall. However, as much as she would hate herself for doing it, she had a compelling reason to beg him to stay.


	2. Life Goes On inthe BAU

**A/N: Thank you so much to all of you who reviewed, and added this story to your favorites or alerts. We move away from Penelope for this chapter, and reveal a little more of what has been happening.**** I truly hope you enjoy this second installment.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little :)**

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Chapter 2 - Life Goes On in the BAU

"God, I hate Mondays!" Emily Prentiss groused. She was standing at the counter in the BAU break-room pouring the first of that day's many cups of coffee.

Waiting her turn, Jeniffer Jareau, 'JJ', only laughed, but Spencer Reid, who was already seated at the small table in the middle of the room, nursing his own cup of hot liquid, piped up.

"Ah … Prentiss? Today's actually Thursday you know."

Both women sniggered good-naturedly at the earnest look on Reid's face.

"Actually," Prentiss clarified, "I never have a damn clue what day it is anymore, unless I'm looking at a calendar."

Seating herself next to Reid, she teasingly ruffled his hair, eliciting a squeaky "Hey!" from the young genius as he ducked his head in futile attempt to avoid her.

Just as JJ joined them at the table, balancing her cup, a muffin and the paper, a new voice spoke from off to the right of the trio.

"Hey now! No ragging on the kid!"

They all glanced over to see Derek Morgan approaching them. As he neared, Reid spoke.

"Thanks, Derek."

"No problem, kid." Derek passed behind Reid on his way to the coffee pot … and ruffled Reid's hair as he went. Over Reid's second squeal of the morning, Derek continued, "It takes time and effort to achieve that level of style, Prentiss. Don't go ruining it for the boy!"

The two women burst into laughter at the look on Reid's face. With his coffee in hand, Derek turned back to his colleagues – two still laughing and one trying to look offended. Leaning back against the counter, and crossing his legs, he deadpanned, "So how are we all this fine Monday morning?"

A fresh round of laughter greeted his question, while Reid looked up, an alert and quizzical expression now taking over his face.

"It's not Monday, it's Thursday." He looked from Morgan to Prentiss and back again. "Now what are the odds of both of you coming in thinking today is Monday?"

Reid's eyes went glassy as he obviously tried to work out the possible numbers.

Derek joined in the general laughter. "Reid, relax man. I'm just messin' with ya."

Reid looked up, blinking widely at the distraction. "Wh … What?"

"I was talking to Thompson back there," Derek gestured to the doorway, "and I heard what Prentiss said. I'm just kiddin'."

"Yes, but still …" Reid wasn't letting it go. He looked at Prentiss. "…why would you think it was Monday?"

"Look, we don't exactly have a regular nine to five with weekends off, do we?" Prentiss watched Reid nod in agreement. "Right. So whenever we come off a couple of days downtime, it feels like Monday morning, after a weekend. Get it?"

She watched understanding dawn on their resident genius' face. "I get it!"

Then Derek spoke again, draining the last of his coffee, "I been doing this so long, I've got no idea what a regular week even feels like anymore."

Just as JJ was about to add a comment, the three other agents noticed Derek's face tighten. In the blink of an eye, he went from teasing and laughing to tense and shuttered. Silently, he turned away, washed his cup and returned it to the counter. Then he turned back to the group, all of whom were now watching him with a mixture of anxiety and sympathy.

"I'll be in my office if we catch a case, JJ."

Without waiting for a response, he walked rapidly away. JJ and Prentiss just stared at each other, while Reid threw a distinctly sympathetic glance in the direction of the retreating profiler. They all knew what had triggered his odd behavior.

Moments later, a tall, willowy blonde woman walked over to the group and called out cheerfully, "Morning, profilers!"

A chorus of "Morning, Sierra." greeted the attractive woman as she got her own coffee.

"I see Agent Morgan is still avoiding me." Sierra Tanner tossed out casually with her back to the table.

"Sierra, you know it's not your fault." JJ reminded the woman.

"Oh, I know honey." Sierra replied. "I'm not letting it bother me. I'm just sorry that my presence upsets him. I know it's got nothing to do with me."

With another cheerful wave, the woman, neat and professionally attired in a dark business suit and practical heels left the room and headed down the corridor to her office, and her recently started job as Technical Analyst to Aaron Hotchner's team in the BAU.

The others watched her go. In silent agreement, they all stood up and began to prepare for the day ahead. JJ headed to her office to review the pending caseload, while Spencer followed Emily into the bullpen.

As they separated, each agent going to their own tasks, all three had versions of the same thought in their heads – Penelope's absence and the effect it _still_ had on Derek.

Reid thought that it wouldn't have been so bad that Penelope had married Kevin Lynch, left the BAU and the state, all in the space of three weeks – if she had kept in touch with them, especially Derek. However, that hadn't happened. In the space of a few short months, Penelope's phone calls had steadily dropped off, and soon those, like her very rare visits, stopped altogether.

Prentiss suspected that Hotch, at least, knew exactly where Penelope was living and what her new job was. Of course, it meant that by extension, Rossi also knew. She was also fairly sure that none of the others on the team, including Derek, knew any more than she herself did about PG, other than that was somewhere in New York, and working in the Field Office there, along with her husband – and happy.

JJ knew for certain that Penelope was no longer in touch with her best friend. They had all watched Morgan become a shell of himself in the intervening months. For a time, he had reverted to the player lifestyle, but it didn't last long at all. Then he went through a period of anger and hostility, snapping at anyone who crossed him. That too passed.

Derek had finally settled into something of a scaled down version of himself – putting his all into work, occasionally hanging out with the team, slowly allowing laughter and teasing and friends back into his life. For the better part of half a year, that was Derek Morgan.

Until Sierra Tanner became their Technical Analyst, and the dynamic changed again.

She had only been assigned to the team for five weeks now. It was the first time in over a year that they had had a permanent TA. It was just unfortunate that she happened to be female, blonde, unfailingly cheerful, and a whiz with data. Though the similarities ended there, they were enough to painfully remind Derek of all that he had lost when Penelope had left.

He had no animosity towards Tanner. It was just that her presence made Penelope's departure feel permanent, and he was damned sure that he wasn't dealing well with that at all.


	3. Leaving

**A/N: Thanks so much to those of you who have read, reviewed, added alerts and added the story to your favorites so far. It means more to me than you can imagine. **

**I knew that the start of this story would probably not appeal to everyone, but I am immensely grateful to all of you who have chosen to go with me on this journey anyway.**

**I continue to warn that another sad chapter is ahead.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little.**

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Chapter 3 - Leaving**  
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"What's going on? What are you doing?" Penelope had just returned from the supermarket. Calling out to Kevin on her way in, she paused as she heard sounds coming from the direction of their bedroom.

Setting the bags of groceries onto the kitchen table and slinging her purse over the back of a chair, she walked through the living-room and into the bedroom, only to find Kevin standing in front of the dresser with all the drawers open, spilling their contents, as well as a half-packed suitcase on the bed.

"What's it look like?" Kevin didn't even bother to spare her a single glance. Long, unruly black hair flopping down over his face, he merely gathered another handful of his clothes and dumped them haphazardly into the case. "I'm packing. I took the job in Tel Aviv."

From her position just inside the doorway, Penelope froze. Time itself seemed to stop in the space immediately around her, the only motion left being the gauzy material of her orange and blue skirt fluttering in the soft breeze from the air-conditioning unit.

"You … you're leaving?"

She heard herself speaking but the words seem to be issuing from somewhere far in the distance, only their echo reaching her ears. "When are you coming back?"

Finally Kevin looked at her. It would probably have been better if he hadn't. Penelope physically flinched from the dark, vicious look on his normally placid features.

"Coming _back_? Back to _what_? This?" He flung his arms wide, the gesture encompassing the room and Penelope as well. "I didn't sign on for any of this."

"What do you mean?" Though she trembled, the act of merely voicing her fears shaking her to her core, the question itself was measured, and her voice sounded reasonably calm. It had to be. Penelope knew without a doubt that if she let the emotions out, she might never be able to lock them back inside her again.

Kevin went back to packing. He spoke from his bent position over the suitcase. "When we left Quantico, I thought you wanted the same kind of life I did – travelling, following the jobs to different countries, spontaneity, fun!"

His words got steadily bitterer as he went on, "But instead you're just stuck – content to be putting down roots wherever you end up. That's not the life I want, and I'm going after what I want this time."

"What about what I want?" Penelope's voice went soft with the plea in them. Though she could never deny that she had known this moment was coming, now that it was really here, the foreknowledge didn't matter. Every word Kevin spoke entered directly into her heart with ice-cold agony.

"You have what you want right here. You brought it all with you from Quantico."

Those words were the match to the fuse Penelope had been tamping down ever since she walked into the room. For a moment, her anger rushed past the ache in her heart and the words rushed out.

"How can you _say_ that? I gave up _everything_ for you! I left it all behind!" The anger was gone as quickly as it had spilled out and now the pain was truly beginning to tear her apart.

"Why don't you say what you really mean?" He paused for just a moment and looked up at her over the lid of the suitcase. The cruel, bitter tone sounded nothing like the Kevin she loved. "You want to say you left Morgan behind don't you? Well … don't you?"

When she said nothing, merely looking at him in blind astonishment, he continued in the same tone. "I've got news for you, Penny. You've carried him with you all this time! He's been the fucking elephant in the room for our entire fucking marriage!"

All the rage and frustration of the past few months welled up in Penelope and she literally screamed at Kevin, "What the fuck are you _talking_ about? I haven't seen or spoken to Derek Morgan in over a year! I don't even have a clue about his life."

"See, I just don't believe that." Kevin's bitterness was cut with condescension. "You've been talking to JJ all the time. I'll never believe you aren't _talking_ to Morgan too." He made stupid quotation marks in the air with his fingers when he said the word 'talking'.

Not bothering to wait for her reaction, Kevin returned to his packing.

Penelope was momentarily speechless. It was all crashing down on her. Yet, she had to pull herself together. She _had_ to try to fix this. But how? All she had was the truth.

Taking a deep breath, she walked around the bed and placed a soft hand on Kevin's arm as he shoved another pile of clothes into the case.

"Kevin, honey, I swear to you … JJ is the only person I've talked to. I have not spoken to Morgan since about four months after we got married. And I certainly haven't seen him. I would never, ever do anything to hurt you."

When Kevin tugged his arm away from her touch, disbelief written all over his face, she felt worse than if he had physically slapped her. Penelope stumbled backward a couple of steps and wrapped her arms around her stomach, the age-old gesture coming to her by instinct.

She watched him tug the zippers on the case as ruthlessly as he had pulled his arm away from her touch a moment ago. He dragged the suitcase off the bed and let it land with a loud thump on the floor. Penelope jumped in reaction to the sound … the finality of it penetrating the fog in her brain, and allowing her speech again.

"Wait … _please_! There's something you have to know before you leave." To hear the depth of pleading in Penelope's voice would have broken the heart and will of another man. It barely made Kevin break his stride as he hoisted the suitcase and walked towards the bedroom doorway.

"Please?" It was almost a whisper. "You at least owe it to me to hear me out."

In a hidden corner of her mind, it sickened her how weak with gratitude she was when he stopped, even though he never turned around.

Penelope knew then it was truly a last-ditch effort. She was so afraid of his reaction. So afraid she would be left alone. If this didn't work, then there was really nothing left. Of her marriage, or of her dreams. She had rested so many of her dreams, so many of the plans for her life on this marriage. They had practically become one and the same, and Kevin's words threatened to destroy them all.

She had uprooted her whole life, leaving behind all she had come to depend on, to follow Kevin to New York, because she had been sure that this was the path to the only thing she had ever wanted since she'd lost her parents – a family of her own. So she had to convince him, and she had to do it now; she knew it would be her only chance.

Taking a deep breath, and curling her arms just a little tighter around her stomach, Penelope spoke to her husband's back.

"I'm pregnant, Kevin. We're going to have a baby."


	4. Ultimatum

**A/N:Thank you again to all of you who are reading, reviewing and following this story. Again, it really means a lot to me! **

**Very special thanks to KricketWilliams for all her help with this story. If not for her, this chapter would not even exist, and the story would be so much poorer for that. **

**Here we go with a very angsty Chapter 4. I hope you enjoy, as sad as it may be.  
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**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little**

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Chapter 4 - Ultimatum**  
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When he turned slowly on one heel, the blazing rage in his face made her gasp and take a sudden step back so that she was almost up against the closet. He looked her up and down, his gaze stopping at her hands crossed over her midsection.

"We?" He hissed the word at her. "We are having a baby?"

Wordlessly, Penelope nodded at him.

"No Penny. _We_ are not having a baby." Kevin continued to speak in a low, menacing hiss. He did not move from his spot just inside the doorway. "_We_ haven't had sex in over two months … so find whoever the hell you've been screwing around with, and you tell them about having a baby. Not. Me."

Spitting the last words out at her, he turned again to walk out of the room.

Penelope's eyes opened wider and wider at every vicious word Kevin spoke. As he accused her of sleeping with another man, she clapped her hand over her mouth, her stomach threatening to rebel.

Still, she could not just watch him walk out of their life.

"Kevin, stop. _Please_!" she cried, shaking so hard she felt as if her knees might give out. "Please, listen to me. I.. I _love_ you."

Whatever it was that stopped him in the doorway, and made him turn to face her, Penelope was grateful. He put down the suitcase and leaned against the doorpost, arms folded. It was clear that he was waiting for her to speak.

Penelope crossed the room to stand in front of Kevin. She started to reach out, but thought better of it and moved her hand back to her stomach. "Honey, I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you."

She was actually _encouraged_ by the fact that he didn't answer her. She ignored the tiny part of her spirit that was dying with every pleading word his actions were dragging out of her.

"It was only because I was starting to feel so sick … that's the only reason we haven't made love, Kevin, I swear!" She begged him to understand.

When he still said nothing, and merely kept watching her with that inscrutable expression, his arms still firmly folded, Penelope knew she still hadn't convinced him.

"Kevin, look … _please_, don't leave us." This time she reached out and touched his arm gently. "I'll do whatever it takes … _please_."

When he straightened up and actually smiled kindly at her, Penelope felt hope take wing in her heart and she waited anxiously for what he would say.

Taking her hand in his, Kevin said, "Okay. Then come with me."

"Wh … what?" For a moment, she wasn't sure she'd heard correctly.

"Come with me." He repeated, still holding on to her hand. "You know they wanted both of us on the project in the first place."

"I don't know …" Penelope began cautiously, and then hurried on as she saw Kevin's eyes harden behind his black frames again. "Wait! I'm not dismissing the idea. It's just that it will take a lot of planning to do it. I just can't pick up and leave right away; not with the baby coming."

Penelope had begun to think that maybe there was a way of making things work. She loved her life here, but she could love it anywhere in order to keep her family intact.

Just when Kevin's words had given her faint hope, he cruelly snatched it away again. "No. You don't understand, Penny. First you need to take care of … _that_ … and then you can come to Tel Aviv with me."

Penelope gasped, feeling a searing pain in her chest, every one of his awful words feeling like another blow to her heart. She yanked her hand out of his grasp as her stomach churned again.

He had been causing her such pain for so many months, and she had been trying so _hard_! His ultimatum, however, this casual willingness to destroy the family she had worked so hard to create, was her undoing.

Stumbling backwards towards the bed, she pleaded, "I … I _can't_. Please don't ask that. I'll do anything else … anything!"

"That's what I want." Kevin was adamant, his words almost emotionless. "C'mon, Penny, this is just going to hold us back from getting all we want out of life!"

Penelope couldn't believe he was discussing the life of their child in such cavalier terms.

"Hold us back?" She whispered the words. In the midst of her despair, she couldn't even summon anger yet. She did, however, recognize the fierce sense of protectiveness she felt for that tiny life inside her. When she spoke, it was only that which enabled her to project a strength she absolutely did not feel.

"First of all, let me make one thing clear Kevin. This is without a doubt your baby; I'm already thirteen weeks gone … and we were definitely _having sex_ three months ago."

Penelope waited for some sort of acknowledgement from Kevin, but other than a flicker in his eyes, there was nothing.

"Kevin, this is our baby's life you're talking about!" Penelope was pleading again, her hands moving in soft circular motions over her stomach in an unconscious attempt to soothe the tiny life against the horrible words being spoken. When he still said nothing, she made her final attempt.

"I'm _sorry_, Kev … but I just can't do what you're asking." Her voice broke, and her last request was delivered in a plaintive whisper, "Please don't ask this of me … _please_."

Kevin stared at her for a long, tense moment. When he finally moved, the last thread of hope that he would somehow become the man she had loved and married again broke with utter finality.

"I never thought you'd be one of the ones trying to keep me down, Penny."

He picked his suitcase up again, and walked out of the bedroom without another word.

As she heard the front door of the apartment slam, Penelope flinched at the sound. Her stomach heaved a final warning and she darted into the bathroom, not a moment too soon. She hadn't had much morning sickness at all, but it seemed her body wanted to make up for all it had missed.

Finally, when there was nothing left to bring up, Penelope dragged herself over to the sink. Rinsing her mouth, she happened to look up at the mirror over the sink and that was all it took for the dam of agony to burst inside her. Loud racking sobs accompanied a waterfall of tears as she sank slowly to the floor, arms wrapped around her belly. She made no attempt to wipe the tears away. She simply let them fall as her shoulders shook with the force of her sobbing.

It hurt that Kevin could even consider for one moment that this baby wasn't his. Still, that hurt paled in comparison to the agony of understanding that he didn't even want his own child – a child Penelope had been so _sure_ was conceived in love.

As the tears stained her cheeks, Penelope remembered the promises Kevin had made to her when he asked her to marry him, and wondered tiredly what had become of that man.


	5. JJ Finds Out

**A/N: Thank you all so very much for your reviews for this story. I truly apologize for the long gap between updates. Regular readers will know that's not the norm for me, but unfortunately real life stepped in this past week and things were a little tough. Hopefully, I'll be a little more consistent now, but I do appreciate your patience with me!**

**Still angsty, but the beginnings of a little bridge to Pen's past. Just the beginnings, mind you!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little.**

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Chapter 5 - JJ Finds Out

Late that night, when her cell phone began to ring in the otherwise silent apartment, JJ simultaneously cursed the timing of whoever was on the other end, and herself for not turning it off when she had arrived home.

She was momentarily torn between watching Henry, whom she had just settled down to sleep, for signs of waking, and silencing the offending ring. Another shrill ring made the decision for her, as Henry opened his wide blue eyes, blinked sleepily and stretched cherubic lips in the beginnings of a baby wail.

As her voicemail kicked in and the phone thankfully went silent, JJ patted the baby's tummy gently, soothing him back to sleep. She hoped she could achieve that before whoever it was called again. It wasn't long before his mother's gentle voice and hands lulled Henry back to sleep. JJ headed out of the bedroom and towards the cell phone resting on the hall table.

Seeing the number of the missed call, JJ immediately thought how odd it was. Penelope never called without leaving a message if the phone wasn't answered. Nor did JJ. It was their little ritual since she had left.

Concerned, she dialed the number and waited for her best friend to pick up. She was not prepared for what she heard when Penelope answered.

"He's gone." Penelope whispered, without preamble. Her voice was so soft, so fragile, it sounded nothing like her perky best friend, even on her worst day.

"Garcie?"

"He's gone, Jayje." Again, it was just a gravelly whisper.

"What?"

"Kevin. He … he left me." Penelope was unable to get anything more out, because she had begun to cry again – soft, distressing sobs.

"Oh Pen!" JJ gripped the handset tightly, frustrated that she couldn't see the woman on the other end. She could hear Penelope's efforts to get herself under control.

"Tell me what happened, honey."

"Kevin _left_. He was packing when I got home." She said.

"Packing? He took the job in Tel Aviv?" JJ knew the question was somewhat inane, but she was too shocked by her friend's words to react differently.

"Yeah."

"That bastard!" Instantly, JJ was furious. "Did he even give you an explanation?"

There was a rueful and bitter laugh from the other end of the phone. "Oh, he explained, JJ. You bet he explained."

"Tell me what he said."

"Nothing new … it was everything I've told you before. How he didn't think this is how things would be – there's no spontaneity … stuff like that."

As Penelope began to tell JJ what Kevin had said before he left, she found that her tears were slowing, and a bitter anger was beginning to take the place of her previous despair.

"He had the nerve to tell me I just wanted to put down roots! As if that's a bad thing – what did he think I meant when I said I wanted a family?"

"Kevin Lynch was always too concerned with 'taking you away' to really listen to what you wanted!" JJ felt her ire begin to rise as she contemplated what Kevin Lynch had done to her best friend.

Sinking slowly into the small chair next to the hall table, JJ listened quietly as Penelope vented a little more about the things Kevin had said. In truth, JJ had pretty much heard them all before during the last few months.

When Penelope left Virginia, she had gradually cut off contact with the rest of the team -except JJ. Kevin had convinced Penelope that a clean break would be better for everyone, so she kept her conversations with JJ mostly a secret. JJ had never understood, but she had supported Pen's choice, even to keeping their secret from the rest of the team. She told herself it was better than having no contact with Penelope at all.

When she'd first left, it hadn't been anything like that. Everything was great. Penelope was sparkling and happy, her conversations full of the wonderful experiences she and Kevin were having. She spoke with everyone on the team at least once a week and made plans for weekend jaunts at her new apartment.

Gradually, the phone calls fell off, the excited descriptions were toned down, and weekend plans never materialized. Only Penelope's calls to JJ remained constant. JJ had felt it best to preserve that if she could, especially after Penelope began to reveal that there were problems in paradise.

When Penelope stopped speaking, JJ couldn't help but speak her mind, her thoughts over the last few minutes fuelling her remark.

"I think you're better off without him!"

"It's not that simple." Penelope's voice immediately lost the fire it had had when she was describing Kevin's behavior. JJ immediately picked up that in the whole ramble, Penelope had left out something important.

"Pen, what is it? Tell me." JJ urged.

"I'm pregnant, Jayje."

JJ didn't hesitate for even a second before she let out a cry of happiness. "Wow! Oh Pen, that's incredible!"

"I know … but …"

"But nothing!" JJ interrupted, unwilling to allow doubts to cloud the other woman's mind. "You've wanted this forever!"

"I just never thought I'd be doing it alone, though." Penelope's plaintive tone broke JJ's heart.

"You have to let me tell the others." JJ's first instinct was to rally the team around Penelope, like they had always done for each other.

"No! No, JJ! You absolutely cannot do that."

"Give me one good reason why not."

"C'mon. You know they won't even care."

"How can you say that? Penelope, this is your family you're talking about."

"After what I did to them, I doubt any of them think they're my family anymore."

"Not even Derek?" It was a low blow, but JJ had no choice.

"Especially not D… Derek."

JJ didn't miss Penelope stuttering over saying Derek's name. She decided to push. "He misses you, you know."

"He hates me." Penelope's flat statement was haunting in its finality.

"You can't really believe that! Penelope, he was your best friend."

"The important word there is 'was', JJ." Penelope said. "And I know him well enough to know that he's furious with me for cutting off contact with him."

"You wouldn't let me tell him – or anyone – why you did that. He would have understood."

"It was better that way, JJ." Penelope repeated a statement she had used countless times before. "Knowing the reason would only hurt hi … them, more. I didn't want that. I still don't."

"He would understand. This is Derek you're talking about." JJ drove the point home.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore." Penelope almost snapped. "Trust me, JJ, there are some things even family doesn't forgive."

Even though she totally disagreed, JJ could sense Penelope digging her heels in about the issue and she wisely left it alone. Instead, she steered the topic around to Penelope's pregnancy. By the time they ended the call more than an hour later, JJ felt satisfied that her friend was beginning to focus on her baby and her future.


	6. Paternal Rights

**A/N: The action moves back to Penelope for this chapter, so that we can see how things are progressing for her. Still a sad chapter, sorry, but she has a long way to go on this journey of hers, and it will not be easy for a while yet.**

**Thanks so much to all of you who are reading, reviewing and alerting this story. You all make me believe it was worth every risk I took with this storyline. I hope I continue to please!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little :)**

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Chapter 6 - Paternal Rights**  
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Penelope had weathered many hurts in her life already, some physical and some emotional. She knew that the day Kevin left her and their baby would always rank as one of the worst. The day that wanted to compete with that one for prominence however, was the day, about three weeks later, when she returned from work to be met at her door by a man with a package for which she had to sign.

Taking it inside and opening it, she discovered its contents to be the divorce papers which Kevin had already sent for her to sign. It was only two days after he had sent her the email. She could still hardly believe that he had told her he was filing for divorce in an _email_. She couldn't get the stunned surprise out of her voice when she called JJ the same night. She was proud of the fact that she hadn't cried though. These days she tried hard not to give in to tears too often. It was a small measure of control over her life, and besides, it certainly wasn't good for her baby.

Now, Penelope sat down and read through the document, skipping past the legalese and searching for the relevant stuff. Kevin had filed on the basis of irreconcilable differences. That didn't surprise her … nor did it cause her any more hurt than she was already feeling.

What devastated her was that he made no mention of the child he knew she was carrying. She had gone all the way through the documents – twice – and found not a single word that made reference to their baby. If only by omission, it was now in black and white that he didn't want anything to do with their child. Penelope shoved the papers away from her, dropped her head to the kitchen table and, forgetting all her good intentions, sobbed heartbreakingly for a long time. She didn't think she had ever felt lonelier in her life, not even after her parents died.

Very gradually, the sobs slowed to soft whimpers, and finally to tiny hiccups, until they stopped altogether. Lifting her head from the table, Penelope felt raw – her eyes burned, her throat was sore and her head simply ached. When she stood up, she gasped at the slight stab of pain in her chest. At the same time, her stomach roiled. Penelope sat back down quickly, taking slow, deep breaths. Mentally, she was kicking herself. Her doctor had warned her that stress could cause increased problems – like heartburn and nausea. Rubbing one hand gently over her slightly rounded tummy, she spoke to the baby out loud, though her voice was not strong.

"Okay, lollipop … that's it from mama. From now on, no more crying jags … I promise you. No matter what happens, we keep the tears to a minimum, deal?"

Gathering the scattered papers, Penelope slid them all back into the envelope and stood up, leaving the envelope on the table. "There. Now we don't have to think about those for a while."

However, she couldn't help thinking about Kevin's reaction to the baby. From that pivotal moment, she had alternated between heartbreak and anger, feeling as though the two were flip sides of the same coin. Now it was time for neither emotion. Both tears and rage would only bring added stress to her and the baby, and if she had to do this alone, she'd have to get on top of her game … starting now.

As she moved around the kitchen, beginning to prepare a simple dinner of chicken and vegetables, Penelope's thoughts turned to the positives in her life. She had her job, and with it the ability to provide comfortably enough for the baby, even if she had to do it alone. She was healthy, strong and determined. She might have made some choices which didn't pan out, but she was by no means weak … she could do anything she put her mind to. Most importantly, she _wanted_ this baby with every fiber of her being, and she would do whatever it took to ensure that her little lollipop always knew that.

At that moment, her cell phone rang and Penelope dried her hands to answer it. Not recognizing the number, she answered somewhat formally.

"Penelope Ly … Garcia."

The connection was full of static, but she knew the voice the moment he said, "Hello, Penny."

"Kevin." Penelope was amazed by how flatly calm her voice sounded. "How … are you?"

There were so many other things she wanted to ask, but she simply couldn't.

"I'm fine." Kevin said. "I'm just calling to make sure you got the papers. The lawyer's office said they'd send them today."

"Yes … they did." She was strangely reluctant to speak at all.

"Are you going to make this easy or hard, Penny?" The weary-sounding tone hurt her heart even more.

At that moment, Penelope grasped that to Kevin, the whole thing was just another chore to get done. He didn't get that he was trampling on all her dreams. He didn't get that he was destroying her chance at creating her family. She wondered fleetingly why she had never seen that callousness in him before – then consciously put that thought aside for examination another day. Right now, however, she needed some answers from him. She told herself firmly that she was prepared for it to hurt.

The long silence had apparently gotten to Kevin, who asked with irritation, "Penny, did you hear me?"

"Yes. Yes, I heard you Kevin." She began slowly, sitting at the little kitchen table, then went on with more certainty, "Before I answer that, you owe _me_ some answers."

"Do we really have to do this?"

"Yes. We do."

"Fine … ask your damn questions."

Taking a deep breath, Penelope asked the question uppermost on her mind, "Why do you want a divorce right away?"

"I told you already … I want my freedom." He responded. "I don't want anything holding me back."

"What about love?" She hated the plaintive note to her voice, but she had to know.

"Look, Penny … I thought I was in love with you, okay?" Kevin sighed, sounding as if the answer was being dragged from him. "It was fine at first … but then … it just turned out to be smothering. You just wanted so damn much, and there was nothing left for me!"

Now, finally, Penelope started to hear Kevin's words for what they were – the sulky whining of a child who didn't get his own way.

There was a long pause while she fought to keep her promise not to cry. Finally, taking in a deep breath, she said to him, "I only have one more thing to ask you, then I'm done."

"Fine by me."

"Are you sure you don't want to be a part of your daughter's life?"

"I'm sure."

She had just told him that she was having a girl; that he would be having a daughter, and Kevin didn't even react. _You don't need any more proof, Penelope_, she thought sadly. _Give it up … you're only hurting yourself and your baby. Do what you have to do._

"If you don't want her now, you never _get_ to want her. I hope you understand that."

"Look, stop trying to guilt me into this. I'm never going to want it!"

"She is NOT an IT!" Penelope almost shouted into the small receiver. "Even if you don't give a damn, this is my BABY you're talking about!"

"All right. All right!" Kevin snapped. "What do you _want_ from me, Penny? Are you going to sign the damn papers or not?"

"On one condition," Penelope stated swiftly, getting her anger under control. "I'm only going to sign if you give up all rights to her … in writing."

"Fine. Whatever you want. I'll have the lawyer send you something tomorrow!" Kevin snapped at her again. "When are you going to sign?"

"When I'm ready." Penelope stated quietly, and hung up the phone before Kevin could say another word.

She knew the demand she'd just made was not out of any desire to punish him. If Kevin decided that he didn't want to be part of his child's life, Penelope could never take the chance that he would suddenly turn up someday, having changed his mind. She knew only one thing – she would do everything in her power to protect her daughter.

Tomorrow she would go into work and do what she had done every day of the last three weeks since Kevin left: hold her head high, and pretend like hell that everything was okay. Sometimes, she had regretted that she had so blindly followed Kevin's lead, spending all her time with him, developing no close friendships at all. It was so unlike her to do that, but in the beginning she had felt that it was worth the sacrifice to have the family she wanted.

For the first time, however, she was actually somewhat grateful that she had no close friends at the office. It would have been impossible to hide something like this from anyone she was close to and seeing every day – for instance, if she were in Quantico.

Here in New York however, it was no problem at all.


	7. JJ's Lies

**A/N: Thank you to all of you who are still reading this - you really make this worth doing. Once again, I must apologize for the long break between updates, but real life has not been cooperating much lately, allowing me very little time online. I will do my best to try and update as quickly as possible, and I appreciate everyone who is sticking with this story.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little :)**

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Chapter 7 - JJ's Lies

JJ had kept her silence for as long as she felt she reasonably could. However, the night that Penelope called and told her that Kevin had _emailed_ to let her know he was filing for divorce, JJ knew that the decision to break her silence had pretty much been made for her.

Pen had not cried on the phone – in fact, she had said she was past crying – but even from some two hundred and fifty miles away, JJ could hear the deep sadness in her friend's voice and knew without being told, tears were still Penelope's most faithful companion. Considering Kevin's email about the divorce came less than three weeks after he'd left, JJ was not surprised.

The day following that conversation, the team headed to San Diego on a case. By then, Sierra Tanner had already joined them in the field several times, and had more than proven her capability. However, everyone knew that Morgan was not at his most patient when Sierra was with them. He was the soul of professionalism, but he had never warmed to the blond TA.

For that reason, and also because of the usual pressures that accompanied any case, JJ had decided that what she needed to do would have to wait until they were back in Quantico. She fervently hoped to find the 'right time' before they caught another case.

She was lucky. Four days later, they returned to Quantico during the morning. Everyone headed upstairs to the office to get through the necessary paperwork. It was Thursday, and the team was scheduled off rotation for the next three days. Feeling significantly worse than when she was standing before the media hordes trying to convince them she had nothing to say, JJ walked down the hall to the bullpen. She had only recently stopped glancing sadly at Penelope's former office on her way up and down that hallway.

Entering the bullpen, JJ headed straight for Emily's desk. As the blond walked past Reid's desk, the young genius looked up briefly, and then returned to the files he was rapidly scanning. Emily was leaning back in her chair, a file in one hand and a look of concentration on her face. As JJ stopped beside the desk, Emily looked up with an expression of mild curiosity; it changed to concern when she noted the look on JJ's face.

"What's up?"

"Can you come to Derek's office with me?" JJ asked softly, the worried look not leaving her face. "I need to talk to both of you."

"Just us?" The question was accompanied by one raised eyebrow.

"For now."

Without another word, Emily stood up and the two women headed down the hallway to Morgan's office. JJ knocked tentatively on Derek's office door, and hearing his deep voice answer, she took a breath and opened the door.

As they entered, Derek looked up from the file in front of him. Even though his stint as Acting Unit Chief was over – a fact for which he was truly thankful – he had continued to absorb the brunt of the case-related paperwork that came with the position, in an effort to remove some of that burden from Aaron Hotchner's shoulders.

Noting the expressions on the women's faces as they stood in front of him, Derek couldn't help but suppress a shiver. JJ looked as though she were about to deliver really bad news. He stood up and walked around the desk to the women.

"JJ, Prentiss, you want to sit?"

Emily looked to JJ and immediately the younger woman shook her head.

"No … no, it's okay."

"This isn't about a case, is it?" Derek asked gently. When JJ shook her head, but still didn't begin to speak, he continued. "What is it, JJ?"

Looking from one to the other of her teammates – her friends – JJ knew there was no putting this off anymore. She took a deep breath.

"First, I need to apologize to both of you." She refused to look at either Derek or Emily, staring instead into the space between them. "I've been lying to you."

Emily just looked confused, but Derek leaned back against his desk and folded his arms. He would never be able to explain why, but intuitively, he suspected what – or rather, who – JJ had been lying about.

Then Emily asked, "Just to us? You lying, I mean? Was it just to us?"

"No … to everyone really." JJ responded. "It's just that you two … well, it's just worse that I lied to you two."

Derek was sure now.

"Is she okay?" Despite the question, his tone was neutral and he didn't move.

JJ's head flew up and her shock at his words was reflected in her face.

Emily shifted her gaze between JJ and Derek. "Okay, what exactly is going on?"

"I can't tell you what _exactly_ JJ's been lying about, but it has something to do with Penelope." Derek's tone seemed entirely too mild, and his answer was also a clear invitation for JJ to start talking.

"What? What about PG?"

"I … we've … been in touch." It came out very softly.

"You _what_?" Emily almost screeched the words. "For how long?"

"Ever since she left." JJ let the words fall into the sudden silence.

JJ was expecting a barrage of questions to come from Derek. Instead, he stayed silent and the questions came from Emily, the first one bitter and only barely masking a hurt that JJ was sure both of them felt.

"So why'd she only choose to stay in touch with you?" The other part of the question, though not stated, hung in the air nevertheless. _We were her friends too_. Though she tried to make the enquiry casual, there was no hiding the hurt in Emily's voice. For once, she didn't care about how much of her feelings she was putting out there … dammit, this was about PG after all.

"She didn't." JJ said softly, kindly. "I guilted her into giving me her new cell number before she left. I made her feel it was because she owed it to Henry to at least be reachable."

She looked at them both fleetingly. "And then I just kept calling her until she started talking to me. I guess I learnt _something_ from all those stalkers we've tracked down."


	8. Penelope's Story

**A/N: Thank you to all of you who are still reading this story. I realized that I have lost quite a number of readers, probably because of the risks I took with this storyline, so for those of you who are giving it a chance, just know that I am extremely touched and grateful. **

**Thank you for your reviews, alerts and favourites. I appreciate every one of them.  
**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little :)**

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Chapter 8 - Penelope's Story

When no one said a word, JJ gave a self-deprecating laugh and continued, "She asked me – no, she _begged_ me – not to say anything to anyone else. I agreed. I told myself it was better than having no contact at all."

"So why are you telling us this now?" Emily asked, throwing a glance at a still silent Derek, "Did she suddenly decide we're worth knowing about her life?"

Emily did nothing to disguise the bitterness she felt, yet she bit her lower lip anxiously as she waited for JJ's answer.

"No! She has no idea that I'm telling you anything."

"So what?" Derek finally chimed in. "Did _you_ suddenly decide it was time to clue us in on Garcia's new life – the one we're no longer part of?"

Emily watched the tightness of Derek's jaw, the vein that pulsed at his temple and the tension which held his body in thrall. She knew that he was very close to losing his cool altogether, and hastened to speak. She realized that she at least needed to hear what JJ had to say, in spite of how she was feeling … or maybe, because of it.

"Is she still in New York, JJ?"

"Yes, she is. She's still working at the Field Office, but she was transferred to the Computer Crimes Task Force about eight months ago."

"That's after the last time I spoke to her." Emily noted quietly. "Why'd she stop, JJ? Stop calling, I mean. Do you know?"

"It was Kevin's idea." JJ answered, hesitating just a moment as she looked at the thundercloud that passed for an expression on Derek's face. "He kept telling her that she couldn't be looking at the future and the past at the same time. He made her feel that she didn't love him enough, that she didn't want a family with him enough, because she always wanted to call us and come back to visit."

JJ paused, remembering conversations she'd had with Penelope over the past months, and she tried to explain. "In the beginning, it wasn't so bad … Kevin would just find things for them to do together. After the first couple times she came back here, whenever she mentioned it again, he'd come home with tickets to a play, or a show, tell her he wanted to visit a museum, a tech exhibit … oh, it was always one thing after another."

"Just sounds to me like they were having a good time in New York." Emily noted.

"No, it wasn't _like_ that. God, this is so hard to explain!" JJ shook her head, her eyes reflecting her frustration at not being able to describe what Penelope's life was like. "It wasn't obvious at first; she thought he was doing it _for_ her … because he loved her. It took her a while to understand. Kevin only ever made plans for them when she mentioned Virginia, or any of us. He was deliberately trying to cut her off from us."

"From where I stand, it looks like he succeeded." Emily stated dryly. "Is there a point to this, JJ? 'Cause I'm only hearing about PG's new life, but nothing about WHY you're telling us this now."

Emily threw a pointed glance at Derek, who still had not said a single word. He merely looked from JJ to Emily as each woman spoke. She supposed that it was at least a good sign that he was still listening.

JJ was trying not to look at Derek at all as she told her tale. She had to keep reminding herself that she was doing this for Penelope and that it was necessary. If not for that, Derek's unapproachable demeanor would have scared her off a long time ago. In the back of her mind, she thought about how much his silence said about the changes he had gone through. He was definitely not the same man anymore. Well, she had to hope that man was buried inside of him somewhere, because whether either of them liked it or not, Penelope needed him.

Ignoring Emily's question, JJ forged on, trying to get them to understand a little of what had been happening to Penelope. "There were a few arguments before, but Pen didn't start to think anything was really wrong until their first anniversary. At first, she'd wanted to come back here to celebrate with all of us, but Kevin shot down that idea. Then she asked if they could go out … and he didn't want to. She didn't want to get into an argument with him, so they ended up staying in. Sometime during dinner, Kevin made a comment about not being where he thought he would be a year into the marriage."

JJ finally paused, looking at Emily again, who was still biting her lip as she listened in silence.

"Pen asked him what he meant by that … it turned into a huge fight, and it only ended when Kevin threw the bottle of wine against the wall and stormed out."

"Did that piece of shit touch her?" Derek practically barked the question.

_Finally_! JJ thought, almost desperately, before she answered him. "No, he never hit her. She would have told me. But everything got worse from then on … the arguments, him staying out all hours of the night, not talking to her … or just telling her awful things if he did talk at all."

"Why didn't she just leave?" Emily asked, her heart beginning to ache for her friend in spite of her own conflicted feelings. "It doesn't sound anything like the PG I knew."

"Where would she go, Em? She feels like she's burned all her bridges with all of you. She has no close friends in New York, Kevin made sure of that." JJ was on the verge of tears as she finally said, "That's why I had to tell you guys this now. She needs us now … we're the only family she has."

"What are you talking about?" Emily asked, confused. "What's happened?"

"Kevin left her – almost three weeks ago."

"What? Oh my god, poor PG! And she's been alone all this time?" Emily sounded as though she wanted to go running to her friend right that moment, and JJ's heart lightened just a little as she nodded in answer. She had hoped that Emily would be able to put her own hurt behind her, if she could just get her to understand what happened.

It wasn't Emily on whom her hopes truly rested, however. JJ looked at Derek, trying to gauge his reaction to her words. She was distracted by Emily's next question.

"Does he have someone else?"

"No, he took a job in Tel Aviv. He told Pen that she was holding him back from the life he wanted to live."

"That … that … _ass_!" Emily burst out. "First he takes her away from everything she knows, then says that's not what he _wanted_?"

When Derek finally spoke, his words shocked both women, "Penelope chose Lynch. He didn't force her to marry him."

He walked out of his office without another word.

"Derek!" JJ called after him.

"Let him go, JJ." Emily stopped her with a gentle touch. "You know Derek; he has to process this in his own way. He's hurt."

"Yes, but he doesn't know everything."

"What else is there?"

"She's pregnant, Em. Four months already." JJ stared at her other best friend, "Kevin knew … and he left her anyway."

Emily couldn't even manage a response to JJ's shocking revelation. She simply stared at JJ, who was looking at the closed door through which Derek had just left, concern clouding her normally serene features.

JJ suddenly wasn't sure whether she had done Penelope any real good at all.


	9. Derek's Introspection

**A/N:Thank you to everyone reading and reviewing this story. I know I keep saying that, but the feedback I'm getting means more to me than I can probably explain. **

**Some of you were wondering what Derek was thinking and what his next actions would be. Well, hopefully this will answer some of your questions. I will however, warn that this may be a tough chapter to read.  
**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little **

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Chapter 9 - Derek's Introspection**  
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She had left him behind. _She_ had left _him_ … had just disappeared herself out of his life. Forget over five years of friendship, flirting and facing some of the worst moments of their lives together. Forget both of them saying "I love you" to each other. Forget _every_ goddamn thing, because she _left_ and took it all with her.

She had stopped calling, stopped answering his calls, his emails, his anything! That was the thing that Derek simply couldn't get past. When he had tormented himself with all the possible ways he could lose her, at no point did he ever imagine that scenario. At no point did he ever think his best friend would _choose_ to leave his life for good.

When Derek had walked out of his own office after listening to JJ as much as he could bear, he couldn't for the life of him explain how he was feeling. All he knew was that the room had suddenly become much too small to contain him and he had to get out before he exploded.

He had headed straight out of the BAU, ignoring Reid who called to him, gone down to the parking garage, got into his car and just began to drive. He made no conscious decision about where he was going.

When his phone began to ring a couple minutes later, he squinted at it in annoyance, but answered anyway.

"Morgan."

"Morgan, is something wrong? Reid said you left in a hurry." Hotch asked with quiet concern.

"Nothing I can't handle man … I just need some air." Derek replied. He could quite lie to his Unit Chief ... but he couldn't quite explain either. "Call me if we catch a case."

"Okay, but I expect you to call if you need help, you understand?"

"It's nothing, Hotch. I just gotta work this out myself."

Hanging up the phone, he tossed it on the seat beside him, hoping it wouldn't ring again, a sense of duty not allowing him to simply turn it off.

At the same moment, realizing he was close to the turnoff to the river, he made a sudden decision and swung the wheel suddenly. A few minutes later, he was walking along the river, making his way to a bench. It was a place he used to come to with Penelope, mostly on a Sunday afternoon, if he was in town, where they could just hang out together and talk.

God, how he missed that … missed _her_. It was as if she had taken all the sunlight from his life when she left. Somehow, he had always had a fear that he would lose her. He'd always known he couldn't possibly deserve to have someone like her in his life, so it made sense that she would be taken away. When she was shot, he had thought that was going to be it.

When she lived, he thanked God over and over for her life – as much for his sake as for hers. On his knees in the little hospital chapel during a few stolen moments while she was sleeping, he finally understood that the feelings he had for her transcended friendship.

He smiled a little now as he remembered – he hadn't known what to do with that knowledge, except that he _had_ to tell her, despite the tension of the circumstances. Anytime he concentrated even a little, he could hear her sweet voice, returning an almost impossibly cute, _"I love you, too."_ He'd seen the tears in her eyes, and wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around her, and soothe them away. He'd promised himself that when the time was right, as soon as she was healed enough, he'd ask her out again. Maybe the second time around she'd understand that he truly meant it – that he had only wanted one thing after he knew she would be all right – the chance to be with her.

He never got that chance. By the time she had returned to work, she was already talking every day to Kevin Lynch. Derek hadn't known that until her first day back, when he brought her to work and she saw the mess Kevin had made of her office.

Derek should have caught on when she knew Kevin's full name, and when she sent Derek off to L.A., insisting she could handle herself just fine. He should have caught on, but he didn't; he was so caught up in the newness of his feelings, coupled with the sheer relief that he hadn't lost her for good. It was only after he returned from L.A. that he found out they were dating. Only after he returned from Indianapolis where he had gone to help David Rossi that he realized that she and Lynch had taken their relationship that undeniable step further – and any chance Derek thought he had was gone for good.

It was on this very bench that she had brought him on a beautiful spring day, more than two years later, to tell him that Kevin had popped the question and that she had said yes. She had been so happy; she had sparkled even more than the pretty little diamond on her left ring finger. When she had raised hopeful eyes to him and asked him if he was happy for her, there was just nothing he could do but draw her into his arms, kiss her red hair gently … and lie to her. It was all he could do not to cry when he promised her that, yes, he was happy for her.

From that moment, his world began to darken slowly, day by day getting just that much more gloomy and cheerless. He moved through the days and nights in slow motion, while she seemed to shine brighter and brighter the closer the days drew to that hurried wedding. She whirled through her preparations, involving him in the choice of dress, flowers, gifts – everything. Based on his performance during those three weeks alone, Derek thought he could have been an actor.

Never once had he done what he truly wanted to do – beg her, plead with her to stay … to _please_ just stay with him. Never told her that he would love her with everything he had, though he couldn't offer her much. That he would never hurt her. That he would make every day of her life the most wonderful day of her life.

Instead, he had said nothing. He had watched her walk down the aisle on Hotch's arm to that grinning fool, and admonished himself to be happy for her, because if he had learned _anything_, it was that you didn't choose where you loved. No, you didn't choose. You had that crushing tower of feeling build itself on top of your heart, and there was absolutely nothing you could do to stop it happening. She had given her love to Kevin Lynch, and Derek would have to be satisfied with the little part of her that he could lay claim to as her friend.

Then, even that was gone, because she moved to New York and slowly shut him out of her life. How dark were those first days when he would call, and either she never answered at all, or worse, Kevin answered her phone. Derek could almost see the smirk on the other man's face when he said that she was 'busy' and he would give her the message. Before today, however, Derek had never considered that she had never received his messages. In the depths of his hurt, he had assumed that she had moved on and no longer needed him.

It had taken him so long to wake up in the morning and not have each day just seem to stretch out hopelessly unending before him. He did everything he could think of to bring himself back to life. He went home to Chicago, and poured his heart out to his mother. She soothed him, but she couldn't help him. He went through a period where he slept with a different woman every night he wasn't on a case – and even some when he was. All that did was make him disgusted with himself after a while.

Finally, it took Hotch and Rossi sitting him down and kindly, but firmly, showing him how he was hurting the team, hurting his friends, to make him really try to get back some semblance of who he was. It was hard. It was funny how in the short span of years he had known her, how she had managed to weave herself into every aspect of his being – so that he had to work hard to find the man he could be without her.

Boy, God must really have a sense of humor! Just when he had thought that he had it all worked out, JJ had, in just a few simple sentences, brought his world crashing down again.

Every bit of his hard work was done, wiped out in a single sentence.

_Kevin left her._

Derek had no idea what he wanted more – to crush the fool into nothingness, or to shake sense into him. How the fuck could he have what he did … and _leave_ her? Kevin Lynch had merely proved what Derek had always feared – he was no man at all. He was nothing but a whining, pathetic little boy, grabbing onto a possession greedily until he had it … and then he didn't want it anymore. He hated to think that was how the other man thought of her, but he couldn't help fearing that it was the truth of the matter.

Derek might not have spoken much, but he had listened to every word that JJ had said. Now, as his hurt began to ebb just the tiniest bit, he finally began to understand that she might not have chosen to cut him off. From what JJ had said, it appeared that Kevin had engineered the whole thing.

He didn't know for sure. Worse, he wasn't sure it mattered.

From the moment he'd understood who JJ was talking about, Derek had known one thing, and he had run from it – mentally, then physically.

Whether or not there was even the smallest chance that she had not deliberately cut him out of her life, then he had to find out for himself. He had to face her and ask her.

He needed to see Penelope.


	10. Discussions and Decisions

**A/N: Your wonderful reviews are truly making me happy! Thank you again :) You're getting an early update today (it's 3 am for me), because I'll be out all day, and I wanted to post this chapter. Also, posting should be more regular from now, so thanks for sticking with this.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little :)**

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Chapter 10 - Discussions and Decisions

"Dave, can you come over here a moment?" Aaron Hotchner requested of his old friend.

"On my way." Rossi answered, already rising from his chair and hanging up the phone. As he walked the few steps to Hotch's office, he genuinely hoped they were not being called out on a case. He'd been looking forward to their first weekend stand-down in months.

"What's this about?" Rossi asked as he entered Hotch's office unannounced. "Please don't tell me we've got a case!"

"No, no case … but sit down, this might take a while." Since serious was Aaron Hotchner's usual expression, not much could usually be assumed from it. Rossi took a seat and waited.

"I just had a phone call from JJ." Hotch got to the point straight away. "She told Morgan and Prentiss about the real nature of Garcia's marriage."

"Ah, I see. How did that go over?"

"As expected. Prentiss is ready to fly off to New York, and Morgan is battling himself as we speak." Though they made it a practice not to profile each other, Hotch knew his team sometimes better than they knew themselves. "JJ had new information for me as well."

At the change in Hotch's tone, Rossi looked up sharply. "What's going on, Aaron?"

"Lynch walked out on her." There was true empathy in Hotch's voice – it was a pain he remembered well, despite how much time and circumstances had changed. "He also knowingly left her almost four months pregnant."

"Damn!" Rossi exclaimed, anger on Garcia's behalf rising swiftly, "I always knew he was weak … but I never expected this. I really thought he loved her."

"Apparently he has decided he loves his 'freedom' more." The disgust and derision that Hotch felt for Kevin Lynch was palpable.

"So what happens now?" Rossi asked. "Will she come home, do you think?"

"I don't know." Hotch said quietly. "She may feel she no longer has a place here. I know JJ has told her about Tanner."

"Yes, but JJ doesn't know that Sierra doesn't intend to stay." Rossi put in quickly. "Only you and I know she's headed back to the Academy in September."

It was true. Sierra Tanner had been quite up front with Hotch when she was first assigned to the team. Though it appeared to be a permanent assignment, she had told him what Chief Strauss already knew – when the FBI Academy took in new candidates for their fall program, she intended to be there, to complete the required coursework to be able to work in Forensic Counterintelligence.

"Interesting how things work out, isn't it?' Hotch said with a hint of a smile at Rossi's words. "New York will be down one Technical Analyst by September when Garcia has to go on mandatory maternity leave."

David Rossi smiled broadly as he considered the implications. "And at roughly the same time, Tanner will be leaving us, and the Academy will have just spilled out an entire batch of rookie agents and TAs requiring postings – a fact of which the New York office will be fully aware."

"Exactly." Hotch's smile actually widened for a fraction of a second as he watched emotions chase their way across his friend's face. "That gives us a little time to convince our lost sheep that she will be welcomed back into the flock with open arms."

"I never expected how much I would miss our Kitten's penchant for breaking the law!" Both men laughed at Rossi's statement.

Rossi was serious a moment later when he said, "I know I can get this past Erin. Garcia was the best we've ever had and she knows it. In the long run, Erin Strauss will do what's necessary to bring the solve rate up."

Hotch nodded in agreement. Then both men were quiet, each mulling the varied implications over in their minds.

* * *

Derek made it back to the BAU in record time. Once he had decided on the course of action, he felt as though there wasn't another moment to be wasted. He shifted impatiently from one foot to the other as the elevator made its way up. Suddenly, it seemed as though everything was moving too slowly for his liking.

Despite his urgency, however, there was something he had to make right before he could go rushing off to New York. With that thought in mind, he ignored the glass doors into the BAU when he came off the elevator. Instead, he made his way to JJ's office and knocked on the closed door. The moment he heard her soft command, he opened the door and walked in.

"Got a moment, JJ?" He was already speaking before she even lifted her eyes from the file in front of her.

"Derek!" Surprise, shame and – she couldn't deny it – even a little anxiety fought for prominence in her expression.

"Relax, JJ." Derek said gently, forcing himself to listen to his own words, and loosen the tense stance he was sure he was presenting. "I'm not here to chew you out."

JJ gave a nervous little laugh, and Derek grinned slightly before he continued, "In fact, I'm really here to apologize."

At her look of stunned surprise, Derek couldn't help the small laugh that escaped him. He became serious again when he said, "I really am sorry JJ. I shouldn't have snapped at you, or walked out on you."

"Derek … I understand … really, I do." JJ's blue eyes pierced his own, and in that moment he understood the burden she had been under for a long time, and the risk she had taken to tell them about her continuing relationship with Penelope over the last year.

"JJ … thank you for what you did." Derek's sincerity couldn't be doubted. "For everything you did, for all of us."

"You're welcome, Derek." She favored him with a soft smile. As he turned to leave, she spoke again.

"Derek."

His hand on the doorknob, Derek turned from the door and looked at her with one eyebrow raised.

"There's something else you need to know."

He waited quietly, but his eyes encouraged her to continue. It was different from the earlier conversation. Though he hadn't totally forgiven her, JJ understood that his apology was as much as he could offer right now. Still, she felt much easier giving him this information now.

"She's pregnant, Derek. Four months already."

JJ watched his jaw constrict and his grip on the doorknob tighten in response. She also saw the instant the rage flared in his eyes, and knew a moment of immense gratitude that she wasn't on the receiving end.

"That bastard had to know that, didn't he?" The words were gritted out past clenched teeth, as Derek's eyes darkened even further.

JJ met his gaze levelly. "Yes, Kevin knew."

"Fucking _prick_!" Derek hissed the words under his breath as he left the office.

JJ watched him leave and close the door behind him. She sighed in relief. Knowing Derek as she did, it was plain to see that he still cared deeply for their friend. JJ figured it would take him some time to come to terms with everything he had learnt, but she was confident that he would be right there at the front of the line the moment Penelope decided to accept help.

Pen could protest however much she wanted. JJ had _done_ pregnant and it was hard enough with someone by your side to help. Doing it alone when it was unnecessary was just pointless and she would do everything in her power to stop that happening to her best friend. Whether Penelope liked it or not, she needed them – all of them – but especially Derek. And, though JJ was no profiler, she didn't need to be to see that Derek needed Penelope too.

* * *

Derek left JJ's office and entered the bullpen in a daze. For the second time that day, he did not hear when Reid called out to him. The latter watched Derek walk past the desks heading for the office of the one other person he had to talk to before he could leave. Taking the steps up to the catwalk two at a time, he knocked on Hotch's door and once more waited for an invitation to enter.

When it came, Derek walked in, his entire purpose focused on his Unit Chief, barely noticing Rossi in one of the chairs facing Hotch's desk. The senior agent watched the young man intently.

"Morgan, is everything all right?" Hotch asked, leaning forward in his chair as he took in the tense demeanor of his agent.

Derek fought to shake off the flood of emotions that had engulfed him at his latest discovery about Penelope. He focused on Hotch, the only remaining sign of his feelings was his two-handed grip on the back of the unoccupied chair in front of him.

"As all right as it can be Hotch." He almost brushed off the question. "I know we're on stand-down this weekend, but I just need to let you know I'll be out of town for the three days. In case we get called out, I won't be here."

"Derek, are you sure you're okay?" Hotch pushed. "This is an unexpected trip, isn't it?"

"I'm fine." Derek stressed the word, knowing he still simply couldn't explain it to anyone. "I … it's just something I need to do."

"Then I won't keep you. I'll just repeat my earlier statement; I am here if you need any assistance."

"I know, man. Thanks." Derek turned and left, not sure how much Hotch knew, but grateful for the man's understanding nevertheless.

Watching Derek leave in silence, Rossi turned back to Hotch. "I'm guessing our young friend is bound for New York this weekend."

"I'm with you on that." Hotch replied evenly. "And we may just have to wait and see how that decision impacts her choices."


	11. Gossip and Pity

**A/N: Once again, thank you everyone for your lovely reviews. They truly make my heart glad!  
**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little :)**

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Chapter 11 - Gossip and Pity

Penelope had taken to having her dinner at the little table in the kitchen since Kevin had left. He had preferred to eat on the sofa in the living room, generally in front of the television. It felt good to set a place for herself with her beautiful china, with cutlery and napkins – in fact, the whole works, even to pouring her apple juice into a wine glass.

She had thought that she'd feel lonely the first time she did it, but was pleasantly surprised to find that the time and care she took – just for herself – soothed her and made her enjoy her meal that much more. Tonight, she definitely needed to feel a little of that soothing comfort.

Today would go down as the worst day of her New York working life, there was no doubt. It couldn't possibly get worse than today had been. However, telling herself that didn't really help. She still had to go to work tomorrow and face the gossip and the pitying stares. Penelope normally abhorred violence, but it didn't stop her now from wishing some visited on one Supervisory Special _Asshole_ Agent Anna Patterson. _Honestly_, Penelope thought, _the woman could give Erin Strauss a run for her money!_

Earlier today, Penelope had been in the small kitchen on the second floor of the FBI Field Office building. It housed the Computer Crimes Task Force to which she was currently attached, along with two other departments. The room had been full of agents and other staffers getting coffee, having breakfast, and generally gearing themselves up for the day ahead. Penelope had been standing at one of the two coffee machines when SSA Anna Patterson came up beside her, coffee cup and bagel in hand.

"Hello Mrs. Lynch." Just three words from the woman were enough to make Penelope's hackles rise and she was instantly on guard. It was bad enough that Penelope had to still occasionally hear herself called _Mrs. Lynch_ at work. She also knew this woman had done it deliberately. Most persons at work called her Garcia as a way to distinguish her and Kevin, a practice that started when they had gone through orientation together.

SSA Patterson was one of the more senior agents on Penelope's team, and while their working relationship was cordial, they definitely were not friends. From the moment she had transferred to the CCTF, Pen had always understood that the pixie-cut redhead who wore too much makeup was no fan of hers, though she didn't know why. She had mumbled a '_hello'_ to the other woman's greeting, hoping against hope that Agent Patterson would just walk away. No chance.

Instead, in a sickly-sweet voice, oozing with false sympathy, Patterson said with a gesture towards Penelope's now slightly showing tummy, "My dear, how are you _ever_ going to manage now that your _husband's_ taken himself all the way to the other side of the _world_!"

Penelope's mouth had dropped open and before she was able to speak a single word, the woman had gone on in that horrible tone.

"I mean, it's not like the Tel Aviv posting is a _temporary_ one!"

Unfortunately, Agent Patterson had picked the one moment when there was a lull in the conversation, so her words resounded loud and clear into the room. Penelope was acutely conscious of the multiple heads that turned in their direction, many not even pretending not to listen. _God_, she thought, _what_ _a bunch of old lady gossips!_

Resisting the urge to dump her now cooling cup of coffee all over Agent Patterson's eggshell blue suit, Penelope had drawn herself up to her full five foot, seven inch height, and looked down into the slightly shorter woman's face, ignoring the rest of the room.

"My marriage and my pregnancy are MY business, Agent Nosy!" Penelope had responded through gritted teeth, an undertone of menace underscoring her words. "If you ever make a single reference to either one again, or for that matter, address me on anything that does not relate to the job, be prepared to have your entire credit history re-written and an IRS audit every year for the rest of your life!"

It had been the other woman's turn to have her mouth drop open in shock. Agent Patterson began to splutter at Penelope's retreating back as she turned to leave, "Well I … you … you can't! How dare you?"

Penelope had stopped and looked over her shoulder. "Oh, I definitely can. And make no mistake, I dare!"

Then she had walked out proudly of the kitchen, head held high – and immediately fled to the privacy of her little office – where she let the tears she had been forcing back course freely down her cheeks.

Now, as she looked at the food in front of her, Penelope noticed that remembering her horrible day had caused her to quite lose her appetite. _Great! A perfect ending to a perfect day!_ The sarcastic thought once again brought tears to her eyes, as she rose to put the garbage disposal to use.

Once more, she was feeling the sting of Kevin's decision to leave them, and on top of that she was tired at heart from the pitying looks she had received all day, and would no doubt continue to receive for months to come. _Why couldn't they all just leave her alone!_

So when the knock sounded at her door, Penelope was in no frame of mind to humor the hapless visitor on the on the other side.

* * *

Standing in the hallway outside the door of Penelope's walk-up, Derek tried to steel himself for what was coming. He knew Penelope well enough to be certain she wouldn't want him there. It was the main reason he had not let JJ know what he was planning to do.

Instead, once the team had wrapped up for the night, he had declined their offers to go out for drinks, implying that he had a date. He'd headed home, calling the kennel where he boarded Clooney on the way, and arranging to extend the dog's stay for possibly a couple more days.

On the three hour drive up, he tried hard not to think about the past year. Instead, he turned the music up loud and let himself get lost in the rhythmic hip-hop beat. He also didn't want to think of what he had done after speaking to Hotch earlier in the day, but he couldn't help it.

He had called the New York Field Office and used his not inconsiderable charms, and his FBI credentials, to get Penelope's address from none other than the secretary to the Assistant Director in Charge. He was pretty sure that both he and the charming young woman would get some flack if that ever came out, but hey, he wasn't telling anyone… and he was pretty sure she wasn't either.

Now, as he stood in front of the conventional brown apartment door, hand raised to knock, Derek thought how inconsequential everything else became in light of the fact that in moments, he would see her again – and somehow, get the answers he needed.

Ignoring the fact that his hand was shaking ever so slightly, he reached forward and rapped sharply on the door.

* * *

Penelope flung the door wide, already prepared to give the clueless person a piece of her mind. Instead, when she registered the face before her, she froze in shock, absolutely unable to formulate words, her mouth opening and shutting helplessly.


	12. A Long Time Coming

**A/N: I've loved all the reactions I've been receiving to this story. Thank you again! I know many of you have been waiting on this chapter, and I just want to say it may be a little tough to read, but things will get better. I hope you do enjoy.  
**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little.**

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**Chapter 12 - A Long Time Coming**  
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When Penelope opened the door to Derek's knock, his face was the last one she ever expected to see looking back at her. Her brain froze and the ability to form words deserted her. At the same time, however, another part of her brain greedily drank in the sight of him – impossibly tall though he was slouched against the doorframe, gorgeous chocolate skin, perfect face with those beautiful, beautiful eyes … and oh God, was he always that amazingly built? Derek seemed somehow larger than life, and everything in her entire being cried out in sheer relief at being so close to him again.

One look at his face tore that feeling to shreds. Past the fact he was scowling, and his expression thunderous, it was the ice-cold fury in his eyes that shattered all her illusions and made her stutter helplessly.

"Wh … what are you d.. doing here? How… how did you …?"

For a long moment, Derek merely stared at Penelope, stunned and caught off guard standing in the doorway, a drab brown and blue room forming a backdrop behind her.

"Hello, Penelope." He said, with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. He looked her up and down, his expression almost scornful, and a false sweetness entered his tone, making his words sound almost, but not quite, mocking. "You're looking well."

She knew it was a lie. She felt terrible, especially today and just the thought of the conversation that was inevitably coming made her weary. She heard it in her voice when she answered, "What do you want, Derek?"

"Don't you think you should start with a different question? Like maybe … 'why'?" He asked, raising one eyebrow sardonically at her.

The gesture twisted in her chest, hitting dead center. It was one of the things she'd always loved – how his expressive brows always told the story of what he was feeling. This time they told her that she could expect no compassion from him, and her first instinct was to protect herself.

"Believe me," she sneered. "That was the next question!"

In those first few moments, despite the anger that shimmered in his every cell, Derek's parched soul drank in the sight of her, the scent – apples and cinnamon, such warm smells – the sound of her voice. Every tiny bit of her essence made its way in to fill him up like a thirsty man given water. It was all he could do not to haul her into his arms, crush her to his chest and force her to swear she'd never leave him again.

A moment later, Penelope brought her hand up to swipe it tiredly across her face, and the diamond on her left hand glittered obscenely in the dome light above the door. Instantly, the entire past year rushed back in and slammed into Derek's chest so that he promptly shuttered his aching, greedy heart. He absolutely hated that she could make him feel so much! It was giving into his feelings for her in the first place that made him so vulnerable when she left, and he had had just about _enough_ of hurt and betrayal.

"Aren't you going to invite me in, Penelope?"

There was such dark thunder in his voice; Penelope moved one hand instinctively to her stomach.

"I … uh … don't think that's such a good …" she trailed off helplessly, shaking her head.

"C'mon." Derek stated flatly. "I'm sure you don't want to have this conversation in your doorway, Penelope."

Despite his tone, when she looked at him, what she saw most of all was the man who had once been her best friend, and who she knew would never deliberately hurt her. She lowered her arm and gestured for him to come in.

_I'm not so sure I want to have it at all_. She thought with an ache in her heart as he walked past her into the main room. Still, she felt as though she owed him.

She watched him make his way to the couch, his arrogant swagger totally unchanged. He took a seat, stretching one arm along the back in a casual gesture, somehow managing to dwarf the overstuffed brown loveseat. He looked calm, but his very next words irrevocably shattered that illusion.

"What the fuck were you thinking?"

Penelope flinched as she sat down facing him. Derek didn't miss the involuntary movement, but he reminded himself again to harden his heart.

He almost missed her whispered words. "You shouldn't have come."

"So I'm not even worth, what … ten minutes of your time?" There was such disdain in Derek's voice. "Shit! What am I even asking? Of course I'm not. You already proved that."

"It wasn't like that!" Penelope's protested instinctively, but it sounded weak even to her own ears.

"Really?" Derek raised an eyebrow at her again. "Then maybe you could explain what the fuck it _was_ like, Penelope, because I sure as hell can't."

As he spoke, he looked around, the drabness of the room really registering to him. It looked and felt nothing like the Penelope he remembered. For the first time, Derek wondered why he had really come. _Stop looking for evidence of the old Penelope_. He reprimanded himself bitterly. _Now _you're_ wasting time. Get your answers and go!_

Trying to gain just a moment's respite to gather her thoughts, Penelope didn't answer him, asking instead, "How did you find me?"

"All you need to know is that it wasn't anyone on the team."

"But …"

"Quit stalling." Derek growled, leaning forward. "Just tell me how the hell you could abandon your whole life … just like that?"

"It wasn't 'just like that', Derek." Penelope raised her eyes to meet his own, willing him to understand. "I'm sorry, I know I made some tough choices, and I have to live with the consequences. Please, just trust me. It was better that way."

"Better for whom?" Derek snapped, and she saw the fire flare in his eyes.

"Everyone! I moved on … just like you did before I ever left." She glanced down to her hands in her lap and didn't see him tense. "Things change, Derek … friendships change. They always do."

"What the hell are you talking about, P?" Derek bit out angrily. "I was always your friend!"

"Yes … always my friend, until you were never there." Penelope whispered sadly.

"What?" He practically roared the question, making her jump.

"Derek, you were the last to find out I was engaged to Kevin." Her voice turned husky as she remembered how it had hurt to feel him pulling away from her. "And why? Because I had to make three attempts before you could find the time to meet me."

"That's not how I remember it." His voice was more controlled reflecting his surprise at her words.

"That's how it _was_!" Now that she had begun to speak, it was as if the dam had burst, and everything she had held inside for so long came pouring out. "In the months before I got engaged, you had less and less time for me. Maybe you assumed because I had Kevin, I didn't need you anymore, but it wasn't true! It _wasn't_! And I tried so _hard_ to tell you."

Penelope drew in a gasping breath. Tears glistened in her eyes, but she could still see the faintest reflection of surprise on Derek's face. When she had herself a little more under control, she continued speaking into the silence.

"But Kevin was there. He offered me everything I had ever wanted. It was my last chance … my only chance to have the family I dreamed of for so long. Can't you try to understand that?"

"So what part of that meant you couldn't have your friends too?" Derek asked quietly.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Derek. That was how Kevin wanted it." Penelope whispered, ashamed of having to admit to that. "I thought if I could just … make him happy, I could have the life I dreamed of. By the time I understood what he was doing, it was too late. Too much time had passed. I knew no one … you especially … would be able to forgive me."

Derek was stunned into silence. He had come there believing Penelope's defense would be to justify choosing Kevin over them, but despite actually hearing her say the words, he found himself still unable to accept it.

Into the silence, Penelope whispered. "I felt it was my only chance … and I took it."

It was the hurt Derek refused to give voice to that made him speak his next words. "And look where that got you!"

For the first time, Penelope looked up and stared directly into Derek's eyes. "I won't deny I deserved that. But all I wanted was a family of my own."

"You had a family!" He stood suddenly, looming over her. "What? Wasn't good enough for you?"

Her eyes were sad as she stood to face him, but her voice was steady. "If you're only here to tear into me, Derek, I think you should probably go."

It was as though he hadn't heard her.

"Family?" The single word was loaded with derision as Derek looked her up and down a final time. "You don't have the first idea what '_family'_ means!"

No longer interested in her response, Derek turned on his heel and strode to the door. As he walked out without once looking back, he missed the longing look Penelope herself didn't even know she had on her face.

He also missed her brokenhearted response.

"I know."


	13. I Thought We Were Friends

**A/N:Thank you again for the amazing reviews I have had, especially for the last chapter. I know that was a tough one and I'm glad people are sticking with this story. This chapter is one of the main turning points of the story, and while it won't be an easy journey, things will start to get better soon.**

**I wanted to get this chapter up before tonight, and I'm behind on answering reviews. Do forgive me please; I'll answer them soon.**

**Also, I forgot to thank my friend KricketWilliams for all her help with the previous chapter especially. Without her, this story would not be anywhere near what it is now.  
**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little :)**

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Chapter 13 - I Thought We Were Friends

Stumbling into her kitchen the moment Derek had left, Penelope grabbed her cell phone and quickly punched in numbers as her eyes watered for the millionth time.

"Did you tell _everyone_, JJ?" Penelope asked as soon as JJ answered.

"No. I told Derek, Emily and Hotch." JJ answered honestly, handing Henry off to Will. "I still have to tell Spence. Though I'm pretty sure Hotch has spoken to Rossi."

"Why, Jayje?" Penelope whispered into the phone. "Why would you do that, after I asked you not to?" Without waiting for an answer, she continued softly, "Derek was here. You told him how to find me."

"No, Pen … I didn't." JJ protested quietly. She knew that a visit from Derek would have upset Penelope, but she wasn't about to apologize for it either. "But I'm not sorry that he came to see you. You need him … and he needs you."

"Yeah, well you could have fooled me!" Penelope snapped. "Derek stopped needing me long before I ever left. You know that."

"What I know," JJ responded with uncharacteristic fire, "is that you are both too stubborn for words! Where is he now?"

"He left … after insisting on an _explanation_ … it was the only thing he came for."

"I don't believe that!"

"Believe what you want, JJ!" Penelope's hurt was palpable. "I was here … I know what he said."

"Listen, Pen," JJ said after a moment's pause. "You have to give him time. Derek will come around. You know he will."

"I don't think so." Penelope whispered. "I just wish you hadn't told anyone."

"They needed to know!" JJ could be the epitome of stubbornness when she believed in her course of action, and nothing had ever qualified more than this. "None of the reasons for keeping them out of your life even exist anymore!"

When her friend didn't speak, JJ went on in a gentler tone. "Listen honey, we all love you, and we miss you. Won't you give us our chance to have you back? Don't you see? Nothing's stopping you now but you, Pen. Please?"

"I'll think about it, JJ." Penelope answered. "Right now, I think I just need some time to re-group."

When she hung up with her friend, JJ immediately began to plan. The best way to pull a plaster off a wound was hard and fast. She needed to talk to Hotch – there were travel plans to make.

* * *

_He'd been right_. That was the thought that tore at him when he'd pretty much stormed out of Penelope's apartment, unable to bear being there a moment longer. _He'd been right_. She had _chosen_ to leave his life. She had looked at Derek Morgan and Kevin Lynch side by side, and had chosen to throw in her lot completely with the geeky buffoon.

And for what? Some goddamn pipe dream of a 'family' that didn't even materialize. He wondered if she'd ever really thought it would be worth it. Look at what she had left behind. He'd told her; she didn't know what 'family' even meant … because if she did, there was no way she could let hers go … not even for Lynch's promises.

As he began the drive back to Quantico, Derek thought about the team and what they meant to each other. He thought about how they loved, protected and respected each other. Anyone could speak their mind and no one would think less of them; they could be as open as they wanted, or keep their secrets … and everyone respected that. Their loyalty to each other was fierce, unchanging and protected them against the machinations of the higher ups and the lack of cooperation they often got from local law enforcement.

How could Penelope have just … given it up? Despite having spoken to her, he still didn't understand. It bothered him – badly. He should have been able to profile the shit out of her and figure out what had made her change, but he couldn't. Why not? It wasn't because of the team's understanding that they didn't profile each other. She didn't exactly rate that anymore, did she?

_Why'd you even bother to drive all the way here, man? What the fuck were you really hoping to achieve? So you got your answers. So what? You're still here, driving back alone_.

_Alone_. His traitorous mind whispered. _Alone … just like she is now_.

He quickly slammed a mental door on something he was not yet ready to face. The lack of traffic on the road, however, meant that he didn't have to concentrate so hard on driving, so there was little to shield him from his thoughts.

_Family_. Derek understood about losing family. Shit, his dad died in front of him when he was just a kid. It informed everything he'd done since, and it had made him the man of the house before he was in his teens. He still grieved, but he'd had his mom and sisters to look out for – they needed him, and he them. He couldn't imagine not having them in his life.

And there it was. The first glimmer of understanding of Penelope's actions pierced Derek's tormented mind and touched his broken heart.

Derek Morgan never did anything in half measures, and now, once the thought had occurred to him, he had to follow it through to its natural conclusion, however painful it might be. Simply allowing himself to think about Penelope still hurt, but gradually that hurt began to shift into the background, to be replaced with something suspiciously approaching acceptance.

The thought that had broken through his pain was simply this: Penelope had been alone – in the way that counted most – for her _entire adult life_. Added to the fact that her parents had been killed when she was just eighteen, on the very cusp of adulthood, her four stepbrothers had made almost no effort to keep her in their lives.

No amount of friendship or substitute family, however real, could fill that void – that connection of blood that could define who you were as an individual.

It was a sobering thought, and somehow, it made Derek feel small. Despite having his mother and sisters, Derek missed his father every single day. How magnified would that feeling be for Penelope, when she had no one at all? How must it feel to go through life so isolated, without that link that promised you belonged somewhere? Derek couldn't answer that question. He'd always been part of a loving family, and no amount of distance or time had changed the bond they had – a bond he could always count on without ever having to think about it.

He'd been raging about what she had done to the team – _to him_ – without ever really examining the reasons she might have had. He could forgive himself for his behavior – it had wounded him much too deeply when Penelope cut him out of her life. It was just that now, he couldn't hold on to that feeling anymore. Not now that he had begun to understand why Penelope had done what she did. He couldn't hold on to his hurt anymore. Not in the face of his best friend's agony.

Continuing to follow the path where his thoughts led him inevitably forced Derek to examine his own actions over the last year or so. He recalled what Penelope had said.

"_Always my friend, until you were never there."_

"_You had less and less time for me. Maybe you assumed because I had Kevin, I didn't need you anymore, but it wasn't true."_

_Shit, she was right._ He _had_ been less than present in their friendship. At the time, he blamed it on the stress of holding down the Acting Unit Chief position. Yet, he had also felt eclipsed by Lynch, so much so that he tried to develop a serious relationship of his own. It hadn't worked, mostly because his intentions had been suspect.

"_But Kevin was there. It was my last chance … my only chance."_

The instant that sentence teased its way out of his subconscious to torment him, Derek felt his heart constrict painfully. There should never have been a day when Penelope felt that Kevin Lynch was her last – her only – chance to have her dreams come true. That one was all on him, and would always be.

There should never have been a day when Penelope did not know that she was the most amazing, incredible woman Derek had ever met. That she was the most beautiful, the sexiest, the hottest woman in the world who should never have to settle for anything less than her complete heart's desire.

_I should have shown her; made her know how worthy she was of being loved, adored, cherished - every single day._

Unbidden, the vision of Penelope standing in her apartment doorway came back to haunt him. To himself, driving through the darkness, he could admit it now – _she was so damn beautiful_. Despite her exhaustion and her emotions, in his eyes she was radiant, a soft, sweet glow suffusing her creamy skin. She was even more lush now, her curves more pronounced, breasts even fuller and belly softly rounded.

_Her belly … full of another man's child._

_It should have been mine … my baby._

And just like that, his stomach lurched and bitter bile rose in his throat. Derek wrenched the steering wheel hard, swerved and pulled to a grating stop in the breakdown lane. Flinging open the door, he lurched to the grassy verge, leaned over and vomited hard.

Dry heaving and breathing hard, Derek shuddered, his mind whirling. He spat a few times to clear his mouth and stumbled back to the car. Reaching for his water bottle, he swirled water around his mouth and spat again. He was still shaking. Leaning against the car for support, Derek realized that the majority of his anger seemed to be gone. Gone. Just like that – as if it had poured out of him along with the contents of his stomach.

Now, with all his defenses stripped away, alone on the side of the road, Derek could finally admit the truth behind all his reactions, good _and_ bad.

He still loved her. He always had.

Getting back into the car, Derek pulled carefully back onto the road. Decision made, he looked for the next exit that would take him back into the city, back to Penelope.


	14. No Need to Forgive

**A/N: My sincerest thanks once again for all your wonderful responses to this story. Though the toughest part is behind us, it's not all smooth sailing now. Derek has had his epiphany, but Penelope's road back is longer, and her journey not yet over. I hope you enjoy this installment.**

**Again, the song quoted is ****I Believe in You**** by Il Divo. The title of the story is also taken from the song.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little :)**

**_

* * *

_**

Chapter 14 - No Need to Forgive

**_Follow your heart, let your love lead through the darkness_****_  
Back to a place you once knew. I believe, I believe in you.  
_**

Deep down, it didn't completely surprise her that he came back. No matter how angry he was, he would not have been Derek if he knew where she was, knew she was alone and stayed away. Still, hearing the knock at the door and looking through the peephole, Penelope felt as though she were floating miles above herself, watching everything happen.

One look at his lean, muscular frame and she knew that _something_ had changed. The caged anger he'd had just a couple hours ago was gone, replaced by something she couldn't describe.

He looked … a lot like the man she remembered.

When she let him in, they both stood staring at each other in the small entryway, not speaking. Then Penelope turned away from him abruptly. He had to strain to hear the softly spoken words.

"How you must hate me."

"No!" Derek was quick to protest, taking a sudden step closer. "No, Penelope, I don't hate you."

His voice was warmer, in stark contrast to his earlier visit, and Penelope responded instinctively. She looked back at him with a tiny smile and there was the tiniest trace of her old sparkle.

"I bet that wasn't your first reaction, though, was it?"

Derek laughed ruefully and rubbed a hand over his bald head in a characteristic gesture.

"Still the all-knowing Oracle, huh?"

Her smile widened marginally and she raised one eyebrow in a _'Did you doubt?'_ gesture.

"JJ?" He asked.

"Yeah." The smile was gone again, as she waited for him to speak.

"I was so angry when I first heard. Yes I was angry with you for breaking off contact." Derek paused, trying to find the words to explain. "But it wasn't just that. It was finding out that you'd been in touch with JJ and not with me. I was hurt … and jealous … and I reacted with rage."

He paused, took the final few steps to stand in front of her. Looking down at her, he took her unresisting hands into his own. "But, I promise you, I never stopped caring. I never stopped needing my best friend. Penelope, I missed you."

His voice was low, rough with emotion and Penelope couldn't remember the last time she had heard him speak to her like that. The tears that had been pricking at the back of her eyes from the moment he began to speak now spilled slowly over the edge of her eyelids as she looked up into his earnest eyes. She had to step back from him, pulling her hands away as she did. She walked into the living room, and Derek quietly followed.

"Why, Derek? Why are you doing this?" Anguish colored her voice, and she did not look at him.

"Doing what? I don't understand."

"Why are you making this so easy for me? I hurt you! I know I did!"

"Yeah … you did." Derek sighed heavily, dropping into the same couch he had so recently vacated.

"Then, I don't understand …" her words trailed off.

"For a long time, Penelope, I did hate you. I really did."

Penelope sucked in a painful breath at his admission, amazed at how much it hurt to hear him say those words out loud, but Derek did not look up at her when he continued to speak.

"I felt like you were able to just … leave me behind. And me? Well, I just couldn't let go at all. I couldn't forget you, all the times we shared, all the emotions. And I hated that it seemed so easy for you to give up our friendship."

"Oh God, Derek!" Penelope cried, turning around and aching for them both, "It wasn't easy! Not for a single day!"

"Shh, Pen. I know that now." He finally looked at her, and the raw hurt took her breath away for a moment, and she had to sit down.

"It was easier to believe otherwise. I told myself that you'd moved on and it was meant to be that way – that our friendship was just part of your past."

"Why is it different now, Derek?" Penelope asked hesitantly, "I mean … you came back tonight, and …" She wanted to know the answer too much to finish asking the question.

"I thought about what you said." He admitted ruefully. "I was driving back home and I couldn't _stop_ thinking. As much as I wanted to believe otherwise, I finally understood what you did, and why."

Penelope's softly uttered, "Oh!" made Derek look up and shake his head at the look on her face, a mixture of hope and doubt.

"Even after my dad died, and I raged at God to give me back my family the way it was, I still had my mom and my sisters." Derek continued. "You lost your parents and your brothers too, when they stopped trying to find you when you went underground. I think today, for the first time, I finally understand what _you_ meant by wanting a family. Lynch promised you that – so you did what you had to do to have it with the man you loved."

By now, Penelope was sobbing, rough, harsh sobs that had her gasping for breath. Before she even knew he had moved Derek was at her side and pulling her into his arms.

Feeling his warm arms come around her in a gesture that was at once familiar and strange for having missed it so long, Penelope sobbed harder into his shoulder, gasping her words out, "I'm sorry, Derek! God, I'm so _sorry_!"

"Forget about it." He urged quickly, gripping her tighter to him. "Just say you want us to be friends again. To be us again. Say that you'll let me back into your life."

"I want that more than anything." Penelope cried brokenly. "More than _anything_, Derek!"

Relief drew the tension from his broad frame and his shoulders sagged. Derek leaned his head against Penelope's, cradling her closer, tenderly stroking her back as she sobbed on his neck.

"Shh, now Pen, it's okay. It's okay." He murmured into her hair until he felt her sobs lessen and her heaving shoulders slowed to tiny tremors.

When she finally calmed, Penelope could think a little more rationally about what had happened. Despite how she had treated him, Derek had tried to understand her and to accept what she'd done. She didn't deserve him, but she would never make the mistake of turning him away again.

"You're really a true friend, Derek." Penelope murmured softly against his neck. She could finally admit to herself how very much she had missed him.

As he held her tightly, feeling as though her body belonged next to his, Derek reminded himself that he had to go very slowly. Still, the overwhelming emotions caused by being with her again were too strong to ignore. A single tear slid down one dark cheek to lose itself in the softness of her red curls.

She couldn't know it yet, but Derek knew he was done with living any kind of life that didn't have Penelope in it. He wouldn't pressure her; instead he would simply be there and show her that he was always going to be there from this point on.

Derek had his own regrets as well. There were things he still had not told Penelope, thoughts and feelings he needed to keep to himself for now. In truth, there was so much more that he understood about Penelope's actions, especially how much of it was his own fault. There would be time for that discussion, he promised himself. There just had to be. For now, he would content himself with being her friend again.

* * *

In the kitchen a little while later, over coffee – well, coffee for him and tea for her – Derek hesitantly brought up a subject that was weighing on his mind.

"Baby Girl …"

Penelope's head shot up and she favored Derek with a beautiful smile, hearing that nickname roll effortlessly off his tongue.

He grinned back. "You're always gonna be my baby girl, Baby Girl, no matter what."

She held the tears back, but they glistened in her eyes, and Derek didn't fail to notice.

"What were you going to say?" She asked quietly, toying with the handle of her mug .

Derek was still hesitant, afraid to presume too much and risk Penelope shutting him out. "Have you given any thought to what you're going to do now?"

In reaction to his words, Penelope tensed, the nervous movements of her fingers stilling as she thought about how to answer.

Noting the change in her, Derek softly added, "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, Baby Girl."

Raising grateful eyes to meet his, she smiled at him. "It isn't that I haven't thought about it, or that I don't want to talk to you. Please don't think that. It's just that if I talk about it, it makes it real, you know? And I'm so not ready for any more reality right now!"

Her eyes were a mixture of pleading for him to understand, and fear of the unknown.

Derek reached a hand slowly across the table. He fitted his hand to the curve of her cheek tenderly, giving her time to get used to his touch. "Baby, you don't have to do anything you're not ready for. Just know that I'm here … and I'll be here, if and when you wanna talk about it, okay?"

"Oh, I've missed you so much!" Penelope cried, leaning her cheek into the hand cradling it as tears ran down her cheeks. Derek heard the pain, the hurt she was afraid to make into words. At once, he got up out of his seat and was across on her side of the table. He leaned down and wrapped both arms around her shaking shoulders. He leaned his head down to rest against her soft hair.

"Listen to me, Penelope. It's gonna be alright. You don't have to think about anything right now. You hear me, girl?"

She didn't answer, but her trembling eased, as Penelope responded to the comforting presence of her best friend. "And I'm gonna be here whenever you're ready. I promise you that."

Penelope couldn't speak. She stood up slowly, noting with happiness how he straightened up and moved back to allow her space to stand, but didn't release her from his embrace. Turning, she slid her arms around his waist and grabbing onto his t-shirt, buried her face in his neck and held on tight.


	15. Overnight

**A/N: I'm really enjoying everyone's responses to this story. Thank you all again for taking the time to read and review. Here's the next installment as Pen and Derek begin to repair their friendship. Enjoy!  
**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little  
**

* * *

They'd been talking for hours. When Penelope finally glanced up at the pink and blue flower clock on the wall, she was shocked to see that it was after two in the morning.

"Derek?" She looked back at him, her expression a mixture of hope and vulnerability.

"What is it, Baby Girl?" Derek stretched a little as he answered her, the muscles of his shoulders and upper chest rippling slightly under the black t-shirt he wore.

"Do you want to get some sleep on the couch," she nodded in the direction of the room behind them, "before you try to drive back? It's really late."

Only then did Derek realize that he hadn't given a single thought to getting back to Quantico. One surprised look in Penelope's direction, a glimpse of the expression on her face, and he smiled easily at her, answering before he even knew he had spoken.

"That's a good idea, Pen. Sure."

She favored him with an adorably sweet smile that went straight to his heart – it had been a very long time since he had seen that look from her.

Without another word, she had made up the couch for him and shown him which one was the door to the guest bathroom. Finally, she disappeared behind the door to her bedroom, after a quiet goodnight.

It almost seemed like old times, before she got married. Almost, but not exactly.

For one thing, they were in New York, not in Quantico. For another, it was the first time that they had seen each other in over a year, and even longer since Derek had spent the night on Penelope's couch. It had happened a few times after she got shot. They would hang out, either with the team or just themselves, then if it got too late or Derek had had a little too much to drink (in Penelope's opinion, usually), he'd crash on her couch and make her breakfast the next day.

Now that he thought about it, they'd only done that for a couple of months before things got serious between her and Lynch, and Derek sleeping on her couch was no longer quite acceptable. It seemed to him now that it was over before it had really begun, yet he still saw it as one of the best times of his life.

_Am I making too much of the past_? Derek wondered quietly, as sleep eluded him. _Am_ _I just remembering what I want it to have been?_

The more he thought about it, the more he realized it didn't feel that way. The nights spent talking about everything and nothing, the sweet sound of Penelope's vibrant laugh, sharing snacks and opinions in equal measure while watching movies – he knew all of these had been very real. It meant that the sense of comfort, of rightness, of a pure and perfect happiness that Derek had felt at those times had also been real.

As he rolled onto his side, and tucked the pillow more firmly into the crook of his neck, Derek thought that there was only thing different in hindsight. He'd never asked her if she wanted to be his. He had told himself she needed time, procrastinating until it was too late.

Instead, she had fallen in love with Kevin Lynch. Still, even when she told him she was marrying Lynch, in spite of his hurt that day - or maybe because of it - he did not completely understand what he had given up by never speaking up. Only when she was gone from his life, only then was he able to look back on what he had had with Penelope and see it for what it truly was – at least for him – a love he had never expected to find. A love to last a lifetime, even if it was never reciprocated.

Staring blindly into the darkened room, Derek remembered the sound of Penelope's bedroom door softly shutting when she'd gone to bed a few moments ago. He couldn't help but wonder if he could really do it – be Penelope's friend and nothing more. It was obvious that she was still in love with her husband, and reeling from the shock of what he had done to her. Her being pregnant would only add to the complex emotions she would be feeling.

Could Derek really keep his promise to be as close as they once had been, knowing all the while that she loved another man so much that she would give up everything for him? Knowing that she carried that other man's child? Truthfully, he had no idea. Derek felt raw and weary; his emotions uncharacteristically close to the surface. Ironic that it was only Penelope that could make him feel this way – uncertain, his heart overflowing with love, his arms aching with emptiness.

* * *

When she had closed the door to her bedroom behind her, Penelope leaned against it weak with gratitude, a cautious happiness and a host of other emotions she couldn't identify, far less name. The Derek who had returned to her apartment was very much the gentle, caring protector who had looked after her when she'd been shot.

As joyful as she was that Derek wanted to reclaim the friendship they'd once had, Penelope had far fewer illusions. She knew well that the hurt and anger that he had displayed the first time he'd shown up last night were still very much a part of Derek. Still, she had caused those emotions in the first place, and it was a small price to pay to have his friendship back.

A few short moments later, Penelope lay in bed – the bed she had shared with Kevin until a month ago. Though she was exhausted, it seemed her body wasn't quite ready to fall asleep just yet. It was certainly a consequence of the myriad emotions still rushing through her.

Aside from the happiness that came from having Derek back in her life, seemingly willing to forgive her for the pain her choices had caused, there were many other feelings that Penelope knew she had to try to isolate and understand before she had any hope of getting real rest.

Pulling the blanket more securely around her, she shifted to get comfortable. At seventeen weeks, she was just barely beginning to experience some discomfort if she lay too long in one position. Her movements brought her more into the middle of the king-sized bed, and it was when she cuddled one soft brown pillow to her middle the Penelope realized one of the things she was feeling – or rather, _not_ feeling. Loneliness.

Ever since Kevin had left, Penelope's sense of isolation had grown daily. Work kept her occupied much of the day, while chores and grocery shopping or talking to JJ took care of the evenings for the most part. It was at night however, lying alone in the bed, hands softly caressing her growing tummy, that Penelope was unable to escape how unutterably lonely and abandoned she felt. Among all the other things which tore at her because of Kevin's departure, the loneliness came second only to him not wanting their baby.

Tonight though, she was conscious of how solid and reassuring Derek's mere presence in the apartment felt. For the first night in many weeks, she did not contemplate being alone as she prepared for bed. Derek's warmth and tenderness had drawn a veil of comfort around her and made her feel cherished in a way she had all but forgotten was possible.

Thoughts of her best friend, most likely asleep by now on the couch just a few scant feet away brought another forgotten feeling to the forefront – safety. For the loss of that, she truly could safely say she hated Kevin. He had left her to navigate her way through the city, alone and pregnant. Again, the daylight hours were no problem. Her can of mace and alarm whistle were all she needed.

It was when she locked herself into the apartment, especially when she lay awake listening to the creaks and groans of the building and the noise from the street outside, that Penelope sometimes felt scared and defenseless. Rationally, she knew that she was as safe as she had ever been, but now everything, good and bad, was magnified by her sense of responsibility for that whole other life inside of her. Derek's mere presence made her feel safe and secure, just as in the days when he used to be only a phone call away.

Turning over again, Penelope's gaze fell on the picture of her and Kevin that she'd kept on her nightstand. They'd been to Coney Island during one of their first weekends in New York. It struck her suddenly that she hadn't thought about any of the fun times that she had had with Kevin in a very long time. It was almost like that was another life, a time she was no longer sure she had actually lived.

All those early, wonderful days were now something else Kevin had taken away from her. Knowing what she now did, she found every memory tainted by the knowledge that he had manipulated her to keep her while he wanted her, and then discarded her when he'd had his fill, as it were. The final irony was that it made Derek's former player lifestyle pale in comparison. To Penelope's knowledge, Derek had never casually or deliberately hurt anyone … including her. Even his distancing himself from her before she left Quantico had not been intended to hurt anyone.

_How sad_, she thought as she finally succumbed to sleep, _that I couldn't see that at the time_.


	16. Team Effort Part 1

**A/N: Thank you so much for your wonderful reviews. Things move along a little more for Penelope and Derek.  
**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little  
**

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Chapter 16 - Team Effort Part 1

Penelope was awoken late Saturday morning by the twin smells of coffee and bacon. For a moment, she was confused, and then her memory righted itself. _Derek_. Then she thought, _Derek, in my kitchen making breakfast – right now. He's really here_. Only then did she relinquish her fear that all of last night – the good along with the bad – had just been a painful dream. It wasn't. Derek really was here, and suddenly Penelope couldn't wait to see him.

Quickly getting out of bed, she hurried through showering and changing into pink shorts and a loose pink flowered top, and then headed out of the bedroom. Walking through the living room, she noted that the blankets he'd used were neatly folded and stacked at one end of the couch, along with the pillow. Penelope resisted the urge to pick the stack up and hug it to her chest, instead padding softly on bare feet to the kitchen.

Derek had his back to her. Feeling a little shy, she stood in the doorway and just watched him for a moment. He'd apparently already showered, and now wore blue sweats and a white sleeveless shirt. Her gaze traveled down to his bare feet on the ivory floor tiles and back up to watch the shirt stretch across his broad shoulders as he flipped the eggs in the frying pan. Mixed with gratitude that her morning sickness had already passed – she'd not been able to stand the smell of eggs, among other things – Penelope was acutely aware of how good it felt to just stand there and drink in the sight of him.

As he moved to slide the finished eggs onto a waiting plate, Penelope took a step forward into the kitchen so Derek wouldn't catch her staring. The movement caught his eye, and he turned and smiled at her.

"Morning, Princess."

Penelope answered without thinking, "I'll show you a good morning, Hot Stuff!"

With a little giggle, she stepped towards Derek, reaching her arms out to hug him. Derek returned the hug, albeit somewhat stiffly at first. Glancing up, Penelope saw a dark look cross his features, but even as she was about to ask if he was okay, it faded to be replaced with a small smile.

Instead of her question, Penelope looked up at Derek and said seriously, though her eyes shone, "I'm really happy you're here … please believe that."

The moment lasted a heartbeat, then Derek kissed the top of her head gently, and moved backward, putting a little distance between them and simultaneously asking, "You hungry?"

"Mmm … starved!" Penelope responded, heading to the fridge for the orange juice. She poured a glass for herself and tilted the carton in Derek's direction, offering it to him. When he shook his head, she returned the carton to the fridge and came to stand beside him, glass in hand.

"These days, I feel like I'm always hungry!" She continued, laughing and patting her tummy. "And this one doesn't have any qualms about letting me know when I'm taking too long to get to food!"

Derek turned to her in surprise, "What do you mean? You can feel …" he trailed off, not sure what he wanted to ask.

Smiling gently, Penelope answered, "No, I'm not feeling her move as yet. Though my doctor says to start to expect to feel movement anytime now."

She noted Derek's fascinated expression with a mixture of sadness and pleasure. As sweet as it was to have Derek take such an interest, it should have been Kevin asking those questions. Reminding herself that she was being more than a little ungrateful, she put the thought firmly out of her mind and grinned up at Derek instead.

"I can usually tell when the problem is hunger though. Besides the hunger pangs, there's definitely a tightness and discomfort all around here." She made a circle with her palm over her belly and Derek's eyes followed the motion.

Once more an unfathomable expression crossed his face, but he turned away and began to fix her a plate saying only, "Well let's not keep either of you waiting anymore."

Derek shooed her to the table with the spatula, grinning at her expression as she stuck her tongue out at him, and then setting a plate before each of their seats. He brought his second cup of coffee to the table and poured her tea before finally sitting down. They ate in relative silence, as Penelope concentrated on taking the edge off her hunger. She looked up and noticed Derek staring at her, as though he couldn't help watching every bite she took. She understood how he felt; she missed even the little things with him, too.

Penelope closed her eyes and uttered a tiny sigh when she'd cleared most of the bacon, eggs and toast from her plate. "That was fantastic!"

"Seconds?" Derek queried with a twist of one eyebrow and a small laugh.

"Oh God, no!" She opened her eyes to see him smirking at her. "I can't eat another bite … now. Ask me again in an hour though!"

Laughing, they rose from the table and began to clear up, working together in companionable silence. Just as they finished putting away the last of the dishes, and Derek turned to ask Penelope about her plans for the day, they heard the distinctive chime of her front doorbell.

Looking towards the living room in surprise, Penelope said, "I'm not expecting anyone."

She nevertheless headed to the door and Derek followed more slowly, unsure of what to expect. He could see her back as she opened the door, but the visitor was blocked from his view by the open door itself. When he heard her cry out, "Oh my god!" he quickened his pace, crossing the room in a few strides to join her.

As Derek got to Penelope, he was able to see what, or rather who had caused her exclamation. Standing in the doorway were a smiling JJ and Emily, with Hotch and Rossi behind them and Reid slightly off to the side. None of them looked particularly surprised to see Derek, which could only mean that Penelope had called JJ, who had then decided to stage this intervention. How much of JJ's decision stemmed from wanting to protect Penelope from Derek, he wasn't quite sure, and was suddenly glad it wasn't necessary.

Penelope stood with one hand still gripping the door, and the other clamped over her open mouth, as tears trickled down her face. As Derek was about to rest a steadying hand on her back, JJ stepped forward and drew her unresisting friend into a tight hug.

"Please, Pen," JJ whispered into her friend's ear. "Just give it a chance. You don't know how much we've missed you."

Feeling Penelope's arms tighten around her, JJ glanced up at Derek to see him watching Penelope, his body alert, waiting to see if he needed to step in. In that instant, JJ understood more about Derek's behavior in the last couple of days than she had ever done before. She released Pen from the hug, and smiled as the other woman stepped back, clearly inviting them in, even though she still hadn't spoken.

As everyone entered, Emily moved past JJ to wrap her arms around Penelope and hug her hard. Hotch and Rossi shed their raincoats, and shared a private smirk when Derek took the garments and stowed them in the closet next to the door.

"I _missed_ you." Emily said fiercely, without preamble. "I could kill him for what he did to you."

"Oh, Em! I missed you too … so much!" Penelope whispered as she held the dark-haired woman close, overcome with emotion.

When Emily finally stepped back from a very teary-eyed Penelope, it was the men's turn. Derek silently motioned for the girls' raincoats, and placing them with the others, he guided the women into the living room.

"Hello, Kitten." Handing off the package he was holding to Hotch, Rossi was the next to step forward and draw Penelope into his embrace. "It's good to see you again. I'd almost forgotten what it was like to break the law to get information."

His teasing words made her laugh through her tears, and she looked up at the older agent's gentle gaze and smiled tremulously, "It's very good to see you too, Super Agent."

When Rossi released Penelope, he reclaimed his package and turned her to Hotch, who was standing just inside the doorway, arms folded, and his expression sober and unflappable. When he took her by the shoulders, however, Penelope knew that the stoic demeanor masked emotion he simply did not want to openly display. It was evident in the fact that his hands trembled slightly and his voice was softer than ever as he asked, "Are you well, Penelope?"

He looked into her face waiting for her answer, and was pleased when she responded softly, smiling, "I'm better now."

"We've all missed you." It was as much as he would give, especially in front of everyone else, but Penelope knew her Chief, and knew that he was really saying that _he_ had missed her.

Hotch released her and stepped away, going to join the others who were now seated in the living room, talking quietly among themselves. In the open room, there was little they could do to give Penelope real privacy, but they tried as best as they could. The others all kept their eyes resolutely turned from the doorway, where Spencer Reid was the only one left besides Penelope.

He stood quietly, in his sweater vest and mismatched socks, hands shoved into his front pants pockets, purple scarf wrapped around his neck. Unlike the others, he waited. Understanding, Penelope took a single step toward him, and only then did Reid tug his hands out of his pockets and give her a small hug, murmuring quietly as she returned the hug fiercely, "Good to see you, Garcia."

Penelope knew her young friend however. While the others had made their peace with her decisions, things were not yet resolved with the Boy Genius.


	17. Team Effort Part 2

**A/N:Thank you again for all the lovely reviews! Hope you enjoy this chapter as well.  
**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little :)**

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Chapter 17 - Team Effort Part 2

Penelope couldn't even remember the last time she had had so much fun – just good old-fashioned fun with friends. For the first time ever, her living room felt comforting and homey. In the entire time she had lived there, it had never once been filled with friends and laughter.

They hadn't come empty-handed either – well at least, Rossi hadn't. His package turned out to contain beer, which earned him appreciative words from Hotch and Derek and complaints from Emily and JJ. Penelope settled the joking feud by announcing that she had all the ingredients for margaritas in the kitchen.

"Margaritas?" Derek questioned with a smirk. "At lunchtime?"

"Shut up, Morgan!" Emily grumbled good-naturedly, as she and JJ followed Pen into the kitchen. "If you're having beer, I'm having margaritas!"

Laughing at them both, Penelope said, "Lunch sounds like a good idea, by the way."

Derek spoke up, loud enough to be heard over the sounds of bottles and glasses being assembled in the kitchen, "Baby Girl … we just had breakfast, not even…"

"Two hours ago." Penelope called back, "I know. I did warn you!"

At that, JJ began to laugh and stuck her head through the kitchen doorway to look at Derek. "You should know better than to get between a pregnant woman and her food Derek. You remember, don't you?"

Raising both hands in a gesture of mock-surrender, he asked, "So we gonna order in or go out? What're you jonesing for, Baby Girl?"

Both he and Penelope missed the looks exchanged by JJ and Emily in the kitchen, and Hotch and Rossi in the living room.

There was still a light rain coming down, so they ultimately decided to order in and just spend the hours they had left in the apartment before having to catch the afternoon train back to Quantico. After some more good-natured bickering, they decided on Thai from Penelope's favorite place just a couple blocks away.

By the time the food arrived about half an hour later, Penelope had already worked her way through a small bowl of fruit, one glass of juice and another of milk. When he handed her the carton of Pad Thai, Derek commented, "Won't that spiciness mess with your stomach?"

Penelope's eyes flew to his face in surprise. Derek grinned, and motioned to JJ. "Hey, give me some credit! I remember a lot from that one!"

His comment caused general laughter, and earned him a teasing tap on the arm from JJ. Penelope was giggling happily when she answered, holding up a bottle, "That's what the milk is for!"

The laughter and conversation continued while the group enjoyed sharing the meal. A little while later, when everyone was full, Emily glanced back into the living room from her position at the kitchen table. Morgan had shooed Penelope out of the kitchen when she tried to clean up, and Emily had volunteered to help Morgan instead. Emily watched her now, in a friendly argument with JJ and Reid over which movie they should watch. Beyond them, Hotch and Rossi were quietly engrossed in a seemingly serious discussion.

Turning back to Morgan, who was putting the last of the food away in Penelope's fridge, Emily figured that there was no better time than right now for the questions she wanted to ask. She had watched him closely ever since the team got there earlier that morning, and there was no doubt about it … what she saw caused her concern.

Emily had always considered herself to be good friends with both Morgan and PG. The latter was one of her best girlfriends, while the former was her most consistent partner. During the time Penelope had left them, Emily had missed her with a fierceness she had not expected. Then again, never having close adult friendships, Emily knew she shouldn't be surprised that she guarded these few so close to her heart. It was part of the reason that she was so easily able to forgive Penelope – she simply wasn't willing to lose her for good.

Her compartmentalization abilities had served her well during the last year, however. They had allowed her to put her hurt about Penelope away and be there for Morgan whenever he needed someone to talk to. Those times had been few and far between, but they had downed many bottles of beer together on more than one occasion, and Morgan had sought her out several times to join him in a workout and at least once when he had needed to get things off his chest.

Now, she walked over to him at the sink and picked up a towel. Taking the plate he had just rinsed out of his hand, she asked quietly, not looking at him, "You good with this, Morgan?"

Derek didn't insult his friend by pretending not to understand. "I have to be, Prentiss."

He'd come to know her well enough over the past year, and almost heard the question she wasn't voicing. Turning to look at her, Derek said quietly, "I'm not fooling myself. I know she's still in love with _him_."

He had to turn back to the sink before he could continue, "It's just … I can't do it any different, you know?"

"I just don't want to see you get hurt." Emily bit her bottom lip in concern.

"What part of this was ever _not_ gonna hurt?" Derek murmured almost to himself, before glancing at her again. "I'm fine, Princess. I can handle it."

She tossed him a soft understanding smile, and they finished drying and putting away the dishes in companionable silence.

* * *

Two hours later, amid much talk and laughter, it was time for the team to head to the train station. The rain was still coming down in a light drizzle.

Derek offered to drive them to the station saying, "It'll be a tight fit … but I'm sure we can squeeze the kid in."

"Hey!" Reid spun around, looking offended as the rest of them laughed.

While they sorted out raincoats, Reid asked Derek quietly, "Are you driving back today?"

"Yeah." Derek answered, glancing over at Penelope who was handing JJ her coat. It was pretty obvious to Reid by the look on his face that he didn't want to leave. "I got materials being delivered tomorrow to a house I'm working on. Why?"

"Well, I was thinking … I could, umm … wait here and … ah, drive back with you later." Reid was looking, not at Derek, but at Penelope when he spoke, and it suddenly occurred to Derek that he hadn't really seen them talk at all since the first greeting.

"Sounds good, man." Derek responded calmly. "I could do with the company."

As they explained the new plan, Derek watched Penelope's eyes flick to Reid and then back to the rest of the team. He was now more certain that Reid's idea was a good one. Whatever the two of them were holding in needed to be worked out, and they might as well do it now.

There was a final flurry of hugs and kisses and goodbyes at the door. Penelope was crying again as she promised each of them that she would call them. JJ held on to her the longest, hugging her tightly as Penelope whispered her thanks. No one missed when Derek gave Penelope a quick hug and kissed the top of her head, telling her he'd be back soon. Then everyone was gone and the door closed behind them, leaving just Reid and Penelope.

Taking a deep breath, Penelope turned from the door to face him. Reid was standing at the back of the sofa, watching her movements, his expression saying more clearly than words that he was waiting for her to speak.

"So, boy genius," she began tentatively, hands clutched together, knowing it was all up to her. "You been good?"

Reid turned away slightly, one hand slipping from his pocket to toy idly with a framed picture on the scrolled end table next to the sofa. Still not looking at Penelope, he favored her with a close-mouthed smile that wasn't really a smile at all as he answered, "Yeah, actually. I've been good. I'm auditing a couple of classes at the academy, working … the usual."

"That's good." Penelope took the few steps necessary to bring her next to him. In her bare feet, she noted almost idly how much taller he really was. She looked up, but Reid was still looking away from her.

"I missed you." She said softly into the quiet.

That got a reaction, a slight stiffening of his shoulders, which Penelope would have missed if she hadn't been standing so close.

"Hmm. You know, Garcia …" Reid began, only the slightest hint of variation invading his previous monotone, "there are tell-tale signs when one person longs for another. They ask about them, attempt to contact them … maybe write to say they're okay."

Finally he turned to look down into her upturned face, his head cocked to the side, "I didn't see any of that with you."

"Oh, boy genius …" Penelope whispered, tears welling in her eyes as she took his unresisting hand into her own. "I am so, so sorry."

Penelope took hope from the fact that he allowed her to lead him around to the sofa and draw him down to sit next to her. Quietly, Penelope began to talk to Reid, in a way she hadn't done in a very long time, but which came surprisingly easy to her – nothing like the painful conversation with Derek. The major difference was that Reid listened, not interrupting, allowing her to get it all out in one cathartic rush. She didn't try to justify anything to him, instead just spilled it all, the good and the bad – along with the tears that just wouldn't stop coursing down her cheeks.

When Penelope was finally done, her voice hoarse, telling him last about the little girl she was carrying, and the choices Kevin had made, she waited expectantly, knowing Reid would respond only in his own time. His lengthy silence didn't surprise her – she knew he was processing every single word, but his action shocked the hell out of her. With strength she had no idea he possessed, her boy genius, her little brother, reached over and wrapped his long arms around her, tugging her to his chest and holding her tightly as she cried.

"You know …" Reid began quietly, and Penelope forced to still her soft sobs to hear him, "you should really get a pregnancy pillow. Seventy-two percent of pregnant women say that it helps alleviate back pain, even from as early as sixteen weeks."

Releasing a snort that was half-laughter, half-tears, Penelope relaxed into Reid's embrace, drawing strength from him, finally feeling hope that they would be okay.


	18. New York Time

**A/N: Thanks again to all my ongoing readers who are following this story and to the new ones who have just found it. You all make me so happy!  
**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little :)**

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Chapter 18 - New York Time

When Penelope let him in on his return from the train station, Derek experienced a slightly surreal feeling. He'd reluctantly left Reid and Penelope with a definite edginess to their behavior with each other. As much as his instinct was to protect Penelope, he had known it wasn't his fight. Still, he hadn't quite expected to return and find Reid happily spouting statistics about pregnancy, and Pen wandering back to sit comfortably next to him teasing him about how he knew so much about pregnant women.

When it came time to leave, however, it was Reid who suggested he wait downstairs to give Derek and Penelope the privacy he knew they wanted. Over their protests, he hugged Penelope one final time and neatly fished Derek's keys out of his hand with a smug grin. He was out the door before they could say another word.

"I don't want to leave, you know." Derek began, almost conversationally. "If I didn't have the deliveries coming tomorrow …"

"Hot Stuff, it's okay." Penelope touched his arm gently, a tremulous smile on her lips. "You … this … well, it's so much more than I ever hoped for, certainly more than I deserve." She ended on a whisper and was grateful that he didn't comment.

"The team's on stand-down until Monday," he said hesitantly, unsure of her reaction, "I could come up on Sunday and spend the day with you … if you want, that is."

Derek didn't realize he was holding his breath, until Penelope answered, eyes shining, "I'd like that … very much."

He let out the breath and drew her into his arms, relishing the feel of her arms sliding around his waist as he bent to kiss the top of her head.

"Thank you." He murmured into her hair.

Penelope pulled back in surprise. "Oh Derek, no! I'm the one who should be thanking you, not the other way around."

___For a moment, he just stood there quiet, like he was digesting everything that had happened, everything that was still happening. She was close enough that she didn't miss the look that crossed his face, a fleeting look that was unreadable, that would have been unreadable even to a profiler. Then he shook his head just a touch, the _Derek Morgan___ smirk she knew and loved coming back to grace his _handsome face___._

___"You're welcome, then, Baby Girl." He smiled and touched her cheek, the way he always did. "I gotta get going. Gotta get the kid home at a decent hour."_

After a final hug in the open doorway, Derek said, "I'll call you when I get home tonight. Lock up tight, you hear me?"

"I will. I promise."

They stood looking at each other for a long moment, until Derek broke the spell. Reaching out with one long finger, he tapped her on the nose.

"See ya soon, Baby Girl."

Then he turned to leave and Penelope stood in the doorway listening until his heavy tread could no longer be heard on the stairs.

* * *

Sunday turned out to be a particularly lovely spring day, and Derek took Penelope on a drive upstate. He was amazed to learn that in the whole time she had been in New York, she'd only ever been upstate once, to go to a garage sale. He pointed out houses with designs or features he particularly liked, and they talked about the house he was currently working on.

They stopped for lunch at a little boutique/bistro that was really way too cutesy for Derek's taste, but which had the most divine clam chowder Penelope had ever had. They walked around the town for a bit, then when Derek noticed Penelope was beginning to tire, he guided her back to the car, his hand on her back, and drove her home.

* * *

The following Friday night, Penelope called Derek for their usual evening chat, during which Derek mentioned how glad he was that they didn't have a case, so he could drive up on Sunday.

"Oh!" Penelope exclaimed softly, his casual statement catching her off guard.

Derek immediately picked up on the change in her tone, and asked cautiously, "What is it, girl? Something wrong?"

"No … no, nothing's wrong, Angelfish." Penelope hastened to reassure him, her heart pounding. "I just … didn't expect you to come up this weekend too."

She hated the caution she heard in his voice when he asked, "Did you have … plans?"

"None that I wouldn't love to share with you … if you want to." She answered softly, gripping the phone tightly as she waited for his response.

"Good. Then that's settled."

To her relief, his voice returned to its usual smoothness, and the conversation moved easily to other topics.

Out of the following three weekends, Derek was able to come up to New York twice more, and he and Penelope spent those days together, doing whatever they felt like. Mostly they hung around the apartment, cooking or watching movies; but they did have a couple of outings as well. Their jaunts ran the gamut from shopping for everything from groceries to baby clothes, to going to matinee shows.

They never planned, because both knew they couldn't count on a case not presenting itself, and they agreed to play it by ear. They were pretty lucky to get the two weekends before the team caught a case that kept Derek away.

The weekend right before that case had been great fun. On that Sunday morning, when Derek called to say he was leaving Quantico, he told her he was bringing a surprise. It turned out to be Reid, JJ and Will, along with Henry. They had an impromptu picnic in Central Park, and Penelope laughed so much at the little boy's antics with his godfather, her stomach hurt afterward.

Will had driven, so when JJ decided it was time to head back in order to get Henry home before his bedtime, Reid chose to go with them. He said it was because he had an early class the following day, but as he hugged her goodbye, Penelope saw the look he and Derek exchanged, and knew that it had been planned.

Once the others had left, Penelope turned back to Derek with a little half-smile, "So why'd you send Boy Genius off with JJ and Will? What's up?"

Derek wasn't surprised she'd figured him out. It was Penelope after all. He patted the sofa next to him, and she walked over and got comfortable with the bright turquoise pregnancy pillow Reid had insisted she buy propped behind her back.

"Have you given any more thought to moving back to Quantico?"

His almost formal tone, plus the fact that he wasn't looking at her, immediately clued Penelope in to the fact that Derek was nervous about asking the question. It hadn't come up since the very first night he'd come to New York, but now she knew that it had never been far from his mind.

Suddenly her throat felt thick with unshed tears – tears that were a mixture of gratitude and guilt. It was entirely her fault that Derek seemed to be walking on eggshells around her and what hurt even more was that she had no idea how to fix it.

"I've been thinking about it a lot, actually." She began carefully, only to be interrupted.

"And?" Derek quirked one eyebrow at her as finally turned to face her.

"And I think I need to stay in New York …" Penelope watched Derek's eyes flare with emotion, even as he kept his well-schooled mask in place, "… for a little while longer."

She knew even as she finished the sentence that she was hurting him, but she fought to hold her tears back. She wouldn't cry. Not now. Derek would think it was because he was pressuring her or something similar, and she just couldn't add one more thing to his pain.

"What exactly is a 'little while'?" Derek asked cautiously, and it was clear he was holding back on what he really wanted to say.

"I guess … the time it'll take to sort out a transfer back, plus find a place to live and organize to move everything."

"Hotch will help with the transfer, I'll find you a place and all of us will help you move." Derek stated firmly, folding his arms against his chest. "I don't like you being here all by yourself. It's too far. You never know what could happen."

"Angelfish, I know you're worried, and I so don't want to add to that." Penelope reached over and took one of Derek's hands into her own, hoping he wouldn't notice the slight shakiness. "But I also have a job to do here, and responsibilities; people depend on me. I'll have to at least train a replacement before I can leave. And things have been going so much better at work now."

It was true; the snide remarks and pitying looks had all become yesterday's news. The fact that Penelope seemed to be flourishing in her pregnancy, despite everything that had happened, also served to quell the talk in the last month.

"I just don't get why you still want to be away from us." Derek sighed and looked at the wall opposite him as he spoke. He might have thought he hid his bitterness well, but it was plain to see in the disappointed look he wore.

"Oh Derek!" Penelope cried softly, stricken, a wash of guilt and pain making her whole body tremble now. "Please, please don't think that!" She reached up with her free hand, and cupped his cheek gently. "Derek, look at me."

When he reluctantly obliged, she looked directly into his eyes and said gently, "There is nothing I want more now than to come back home."

His eyes widened at her last word, but she went on. "Besides, the sooner I move back, the sooner you don't have to make six hour commutes."

"You know that's not why I brought it up." Derek protested immediately. "I don't care about that."

"I know, honey, but I do."

"I'm just … worried, P." Derek laid his hand over the soft one that rested on his cheek.

"I know you are, Baby, but it's only for a little while." She tried hard to reassure him. "My doctor is just a phone call away. And if anything does happen, I'll call you right away. I promise."

Derek drew Penelope into his arms. In truth, he still wasn't happy about her staying, but he couldn't deny how much her referring to Quantico as 'home' pleased him.

"Okay. We'll compromise. I won't pressure you to move back, but in return, we talk every day and you tell me if anything happens."

Penelope giggled. She couldn't help it. From the comfort of the circle of Derek's arms, she said, "Um … Hot Stuff? You do realize we _already_ talk every single day, right?"

His soft laughter shook them both, and Penelope felt the sting of tears again … this time because it had been a very long time since she'd felt this cared for.


	19. A Special Visit

**A/N: I apologize for the long delay in updating this story. FF was not allowing me to post anything for a few days. Thankfully, it is resolved now. Thank you once again for all the wonderful reviews that readers have gifted me with. I love and appreciate all of them! A special thank you to KricketWilliams for all her help when this chapter was giving me a world of trouble!**

**Hope you all enjoy the new chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little. **

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Chapter 19 - A Special Visit

The case which cut into what would have been Derek's fourth weekend visit took the team to Maine on the hunt for a serial killer targeting people connected to the fishing industry. It turned out to be a lobster-man whose stressor had been the loss of his boat, and thus his livelihood. The team returned to Quantico in the early hours of Monday morning, tired but grateful to have caught the man without any further loss of life.

Derek had spoken to Penelope on Sunday morning when he knew he wouldn't make it back in time for their regular weekend visit. He'd also called to say goodnight on Sunday night while they were wrapping up the case at the station. During that call, he'd gotten the distinct impression that something was troubling her, but when he asked, Penelope had softly assured him it was nothing serious and again promised she'd tell him if it was. Derek wasn't convinced.

Once they got back to the BAU, Derek followed Hotch into his office to tell him of his concerns and what he planned to do. With no pending cases, Hotch approved Derek's request for the rest of the day off, asking only that the agent finish his paperwork first.

Two hours later, Derek boarded the train to New York. He was much too tired to drive, and though the total traveling time would be longer, the train was his best option. At least he could sleep until he got into Penn Station. He arrived just after lunch, and immediately took a cab outside the station, directing the cabbie to the FBI's New York Field Office.

Presenting his credentials at the security checkpoint in the lobby, Derek entered the building he hadn't seen since the terrible case which had resulted in the death of SSA Kate Joyner. Exiting the elevator on the floor which housed the CCTF, he asked a passing agent to direct him to Penelope Garcia's office, before he thought about the name. However, as Derek realized his misstep and opened his mouth to correct it, the man was already pointing to an office whose door could only just be seen from where they were standing.

As he thanked the junior agent and headed towards Penelope's office, Derek was surprised to note that he was nervous. He'd gone on instinct, because he'd missed her and wanted to see her, and because he was concerned whether she was as all right as she said. However, they had never discussed him visiting her at work, or arriving without calling first, and he hesitated before he knocked.

Her office door had a small glass panel set just about head-height into it, and through it, he could see Penelope, her eyes focused on the screens in front of her. Though she faced the doorway, instead of having her back to it, Derek was struck by how familiar her position seemed. Suddenly, his need to be with her became much stronger than any fear he had about being there.

Derek raised his hand and knocked at the door. Penelope's head came up, immediately focusing on the glass window. Her look of stunned surprise, followed by a full on 'Penelope' smile instantly told Derek he had nothing to fear. She took her time getting to the door, her movements a little more deliberate than the last time he'd seen her, but when she pulled the door open, Penelope instantly threw her arms around him.

"Hot Stuff! What are you doing here?" Penelope was hugging Derek while simultaneously pulling him into the office, and he laughed as he followed her in.

"Wow, Baby Girl, that's some welcome." He teased her, and laughed again when she blushed. "If I'd known I'd get that reaction, I'd have visited you at work a lot sooner."

"Silly boy!" Penelope grinned at him and patted his cheek, "I'd give you a happy welcome any time you wanted it."

Derek's gut clenched as she slipped out of his arms and stepped away, still smiling, the soft material of her pretty baby-doll dress flaring out around her. It was the first time since he'd seen her again that Penelope had said anything outright flirty to him, and it was incredible how it made his heart soar and ache in equal measure.

Taking in her appearance, Derek smiled again, "Mmm, mama, I haven't seen you in one week, and all of a sudden you got a baby bump!"

Settling into her chair, Penelope favored Derek with the cutest little pout, "Lollipop here is making this mama look fat!"

Leaning against her desk, Derek looked down at Penelope and grinned, "You look gorgeous, Baby Girl … simply gorgeous."

Penelope noticed a look that she couldn't interpret flicker across his face, but again it was gone almost before it registered. Looking a little closer at him, she realized the weariness that hovered under the surface of his attempts to look relaxed.

Once more, Penelope felt the rising guilt like bile in her throat. While Derek's exhaustion surely resulted from the case they'd just finished, she knew an unreasonably large part stemmed from his constant trips to see her. It would be the basest of lies to even suggest that she didn't crave his visits, but Penelope knew very well she didn't deserve any of the time he was devoting to her.

She hadn't been a good friend to him at all. Derek had always, always been so good to her – he'd saved her life, told her he loved her. He'd made her feel special every single day, and she had just … walked away from him.

She didn't feel she deserved the help of _any_ of the team, but least of all Derek.

Mentally, she shook off the melancholy feeling threatening to overtake her. She couldn't afford to be anything but practical now. She needed all the help she could get, regardless of how little she had earned it, for the sake of her baby. So she would accept their help, and she would do everything she could to never let any of them forget how much she truly cared, and how deeply grateful she felt.

Making a sudden decision, she reached for the yellow sunflower tote next to her desk. Rummaging about in it, she emerged clutching a key ring. She detached one key, which she hesitatingly offered to Derek.

"What's this?"

"Derek, you're exhausted. I can see it." Penelope reached out and captured one of his hands. Hers were cold, which was usually never the case with her, and certainly not during her pregnancy, but her nervousness was getting the better of her.

Nodding to the key in his hand, she continued, "I still have a couple hours here before I can leave. Would you like to go wait for me at home?"

"Are you sure?" Derek looked from Penelope's face to the key held loosely in his hand, as though he couldn't quite believe what she'd just said.

"Of course I am." She smiled, with conviction in her voice, for his sake. "There are blankets and a pillow in the linen closet in the hall. Make yourself comfortable. Get some sleep, and I'll be home soon."

Leaning down, Derek drew Penelope gently out of her chair and hugged her close, kissing the top of her head as her hands stroked his back in a soothing motion. When he released her, she sat back down and watched as he turned to go.

"Derek?"

One hand on the doorknob, he turned to look back at her, one eyebrow raised inquisitively. "Yeah, baby?"

"There's a locksmith about a block away from my apartment … not far from the Thai place." She paused, and grinned when she realized he hadn't figured it out. Nodding at his hand, she said, "Make a copy of the key before you go home."

Derek absolutely couldn't speak if his life depended on it at that moment. With a smile and a nod, he was out the door.

Penelope watched him leave and the moment the door closed behind him, she let out a whooshing breath and sank back into her seat. She wasn't sure whether she wanted to laugh or cry; her heart was in such turmoil. Would she ever be able to make Derek believe that she knew now how wrong she had been and how deeply she regretted every day of hurt she had caused him?

On top of everything else, she'd just had the damnedest reaction, and while she knew it was just the pregnancy hormones kicking in, it didn't help the rush of lust that pooled deep in her belly when Derek had held her. She'd have to make sure she hid that completely from him – and it would take effort, because lately he seemed attuned to every single nuance of her behavior. However, it would just embarrass him, and Penelope was determined not to put her best friend through something like that. She'd done quite enough to him already.

* * *

Several hours later, Penelope arrived home to find Derek in the kitchen making dinner. For a moment she stopped in the doorway, a funny little ache in her heart as she wondered if he was really as relaxed and … happy … as he seemed.

No possibility of an answer to that question forthcoming, she walked in, depositing her laptop on the table and her sunflower tote on the back of a chair. Derek turned at the noise behind him.

"Hey, Baby Girl!" He greeted her with a huge smile that revealed all the laugh lines around his eyes.

Penelope's heart panged again, and she shivered with emotion. In two steps, she stood in front of Derek, wrapping her arms around him and holding him tightly to her. Slowly, Derek returned the embrace. He closed his eyes as he heard her murmur tearfully, "Why are you so good to me? I don't deserve any of it!"

Derek didn't answer right away. Penelope had time to wonder whether she'd made another misstep, when he said in a low, very gentle voice, "I get how you're feeling, but just remember one thing, okay? I'm right where I want to be. This is my choice."

There was no way she could speak without breaking into a million sobs, so she simply nodded against his chest. For a fleeting moment, Derek's arms tightened around her. Then, he simply kissed the top of her head and said very tenderly, "Dinner's almost ready. You hungry, baby?"

"As usual!" She answered with a little laugh, following his lead and allowing the moment to pass. They moved apart easily, naturally, and Penelope headed to the fridge for juice. Pouring a glass, she looked at him over the rim of the glass as he moved back to the stove, stirring the contents of a pot. "What're we having?"

"Chicken Alfredo." He answered with another grin, knowing it was a weakness of hers. A moment later he almost regretted it, as her tiny moan of appreciation went straight to a part of his anatomy better left alone. He covered his reaction by saying, "It's almost ready. Wanna go get changed?"

"Nah … take too long." She responded, already clearing the laptop off the table and pulling out cutlery. "I'll just set the table instead."

In just a few moments more, the food was ready, and she watched as Derek served them both generous portions. Then he poured her another glass of juice, he set it in front of her, grabbed a beer for himself and sat down.

Derek waited until Penelope had eaten most of the food on her plate, before he reached one hand out to gently rest over hers.

As she raised her eyes to meet his, he asked, "So ... you ready to tell me what's on your mind yet?"


	20. Moments We Share

**A/N: I do apologize for how much time has passed since my last update. I live in Trinidad, and we had our Carnival season from last Saturday to Tuesday. It's a very fun time, but also extremely hectic and I was not able to update. **

**Thank you all for the wonderful reviews I've been receiving, and for continuing to alert and favourite this story. So as many of you were asking ... here's the answer to Derek's question. Hope you enjoy :)  
**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little.**

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**Chapter 20 - Moments We Share**  
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Penelope put her fork down, but didn't look at Derek or at his hand where it rested on hers.

"It's nothing," she began. Immediately, she felt tension tighten the hand touching hers, and her eyes flew up in time to see his own flare for a split second, and then go dull. At that moment, all Penelope wanted was to reach over and caress that look away from Derek's face, to stroke his hurt away with her touch. She settled instead for grabbing onto the callused dark hand that had begun to pull away from hers.

"No, baby – don't. I'm sorry." Penelope held Derek's gaze, hoping that he would see the honesty in hers. "I wasn't trying to shut you out, or say it didn't matter. I started badly, that's all."

Derek could hear the sincerity in her voice, and he had a moment of an almost agonizing hope that maybe … maybe she was ready to let him in, just a little bit. He didn't try to pull his hand away again, waiting with as much calm as he could muster for her to continue speaking.

"I … I've just been a little … worried, I guess." Penelope began, willing the tears back. "I should be feeling the baby move by now … but I haven't, not … not once, not _anything_." She finished on a whisper, her throat thick and aching with the forced back tears.

"Oh, sweetheart!" The endearment slipped out before Derek thought about it, his heart going out to Penelope. He got up, never letting go of her hand, and drew her out of her seat.

Penelope allowed herself to be led into the living room, making no attempt to withdraw her hand from Derek's, for once not questioning the comfort she was drawing from it. When they sat on the sofa and Derek slid both arms around her, she went willingly, leaning her head against his chest.

"Talk to me, princess." Derek murmured gently, holding Penelope close. "Have you spoken to your doctor about this?"

"Ye-es, I have." she said, as her breath hitched, "I called her this morning, just before you called. She said it's most likely nothing to worry myself about. That's what I started to say earlier …"

"Are you going to see her?"

"I have an appointment tomorrow morning." Penelope admitted, her heart racing as her fears, which had quieted somewhat in the wake of Derek's calm, rose again.

Derek could actually feel Penelope's heart race where she was pressed against him and it led him to offer quietly, "How about if I go with you, Baby Girl?"

In offering, Derek overrode any doubts he had about taking things slowly, or not presuming too much. Everything paled in the face of Penelope's anxieties, and he knew that all he wanted was to be there for her, to make certain she was all right.

At his words, Penelope sat up suddenly. "Why would you want to do that?"

Derek could feel the moment when the precipice on which his heart was resting simply crumbled. He'd done it again, like he had so many times before. He opened his heart, jumped to her rescue, insinuated himself into a role where he didn't belong – where she didn't want him – and he got burned yet again.

Fate was giving him the finger again, reminding him solidly of a few facts he'd misplaced. He didn't have the right to care; that baby wasn't his. It was best not to ever forget that.

Someday, sometime, somehow, he would learn how to toughen up and not be affected by her tears – and protect his own foolish heart at the same time.

Right now, he swallowed the bitter pill of defeat and let something he'd tried to suppress roll over his body, like a heating balm to his soul: pure anger.

"You're right. I'm not the dad; I have no reason to be there," he said, knowing he sounded nasty, but hurting too much to care. He rose to his feet. "I suppose I'd better –"

"No!" she said, standing as quickly as she could. "I want you to be there… if … if you want to." She reached for his hands, her eyes glossy with unshed tears. "Derek, it would mean so much to me. I just didn't think you'd …"

She watched as he closed his eyes, breathing deeply. She couldn't tell if it was in resignation or relief – and both reasons made her heart ache. She'd hurt him again, and she hadn't meant to. For the umpteenth time since she'd seen him again, she was reminded of how fragile her friendship with him truly was – all because of her carelessness.

A moment later, he sighed and gathered her in his arms. He kissed the top of her head, and she buried her face in his soft shirt, relishing the familiar scent and feel of her best friend.

"Baby, whatever you want, whatever you need, I'll be there," he said, his warm breath fanning against her hair. "I don't want to be a bother –"

"You'd never be a bother!" she interrupted, pulling away to look up at him.

"Hush, and let me finish." He gave her a warm smile. "Penelope, this is your baby, your life; I'm along as an observer, although definitely not casual. I'm here for you, but only if you want me to be … say the word, and I'll back off."

It finally became real for Penelope what Derek was prepared to do for her and her baby. She didn't think she'd ever felt more unworthy in her entire life. After everything she'd done to him, everything she was still doing, Derek was willing to put it all aside for her sake, so much more than her so-called husband ever would. How could she not need him? How could she not love him, if only for that?

Still, at this point, she had a baby to think of and protect, before she could think of anything for herself. She couldn't put herself at risk, couldn't open herself up now. So, instead of saying what she was feeling, she hugged him again, and said the only thing she could.

"Thank you."

* * *

The following Saturday night, Derek and Penelope were relaxing on the sofa watching a movie and sharing a bowl of ice cream. Well, they were supposed to be sharing it, but at the moment, Penelope was hogging it all.

She'd made them dinner and it was waiting when Derek arrived. All through the meal, they discussed plans for her to go back to Quantico for a visit, and he'd gotten her to agree that she would stay with him when she came. He didn't want to tell her anything else, because he wanted it to be a surprise, but Derek planned to show her the house he was working on when she came.

It was a beautiful four apartment building that he had initially been renovating for resale. However, once Penelope had agreed – however tentatively – to move back home to Virginia, Derek's plans had changed. He now intended to keep the building, complete the work and have a friend of his manage it as a rental for him. One of the apartments, however, was going to be Penelope's and he wanted to show it to her when she visited.

After dinner, they settled in on the sofa with the ice cream and Penelope was teasing Derek by holding the bowl away from him. As he reached across her to get the ice cream, Derek's warm, long-fingered hand brushed over Penelope's rounded tummy. He stilled his hand, but didn't remove it right away.

Just as the moment threatened to turn awkward, the most amazing thing happened. Penelope felt it exactly as her doctor had described, a solid, definitive little bump from the inside of her tummy – exactly like a tiny foot or fist making contact, making itself known.

She jumped in surprise and let out a little gasp, the bowl almost slipping from her suddenly nerveless fingers. Derek grabbed for the bowl, caught it and set it on the table in front of them. He had felt Penelope's jolt, but he was certain that right before it, he had felt a tiny push right against his fingertips. Now his hand trembled slightly against her stomach, but still he didn't pull away. He did, however, raise shocked dark eyes to meet her equally stunned ones.

Almost in a whisper, he asked, "Baby Girl … was that what I think …?" He trailed off, half awed and half doubtful.

"Yeah …" she breathed, just as softly, "I think maybe it was." She remained utterly still, afraid to break the spell of the moment, and praying for it to happen again.

They were both silent for a long moment, waiting, hoping. Then Derek both felt and heard Penelope's sigh of disappointment. It was clear she thought it was a fluke, not a real baby kick at all. About to reach out to hug her in commiseration, to try and comfort her, Derek's fingers once more moved gently against the swell of her belly.

This time there was no mistaking it, a perfect, solid little kick that came from inside of her.

Penelope gasped again, grabbing onto Derek's other hand and squeezing it in her excitement. Suddenly she was laughing and crying, all at the same time, fat tears rolling down her cheeks to her wide, beatific grin. She rubbed her free hand over her tummy, accidentally pushing Derek's own out of the way in the process.

"That's my good girl! That's mama's lollipop … oh baby!" She cooed to her daughter. Still squeezing Derek's right hand, she grabbed for the other one and put it back on her stomach. "She kicked. Oh my god, Derek, she actually kicked! Isn't it wonderful?"

Derek laughed delightedly, sharing in Penelope's excitement, reveling in the pure, sweet joy of the moment.

"It is incredible, sweetheart." He answered, slipping his arms around her and drawing her slightly shaking body against him. "It really, really is."

Penelope hugged Derek back one-handed, her other hand still occupied in making gentle passes over her tummy. As she waited with Derek, hoping to have the magic repeat itself, something occurred to her. Penelope thought how long it had been since she had given any thought to what Kevin was missing from this baby's life. For a moment, the old guilt began to rise in her again, but she forced it away, reminding herself that as Kevin had made his choice, so had she. Hers was to embrace only what equaled a good life for her and her sweet baby daughter.


	21. Becoming Us Again

**A/N: Thank you again everyone for all the wonderful reviews! Your kind words make me so happy. Enjoy the new chapter :)  
**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little **

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**Chapter 21 - Becoming Us Again**  
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"Remind me again why I thought this was such a wonderful thing a few short weeks ago." Penelope grumbled on the phone to Derek, who only laughed.

"Now, now, little mama," he responded, smiling broadly as he leaned back into the soft cream seat of the BAU jet. "You know you wouldn't give up that little angel girl's kicking, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you."

"I know, I know … but sometimes I swear she's beginning to take after you, Derek Morgan." Penelope said with a tender laugh.

"And how exactly do you figure that?" Derek asked her, the curious mixture of hope and hurt deep inside him now merely an old familiar ache.

"Well, she's obviously a party girl judging from these antics," Penelope laughed again, "And you're the only hardcore party-goer she knows … thus, it's your fault."

The note of teasing triumph in Penelope's voice as she concluded her argument made Derek laugh all over again. Then, his voice dropping to a tender drawl, he asked, "Are you sure you're okay, Baby Girl?"

Penelope immediately matched him in both tone and seriousness, "Yes, my love, I promise we're both fine. She's just getting really active, usually when I want to get some sleep."

Relaxing a little, Derek returned to his teasing, "Wonder where she gets her single-minded determination from, huh?"

"I'm sure I have no idea!" Penelope responded in a mock-huff, but spoiled the effect by immediately giggling again.

"You're pouting, aren't you, Baby Girl?" Derek asked, then continued without waiting for an answer, "Betcha she's gonna have that identical little pout."

"And what if she does?" Penelope tried to raise one eyebrow in typical Derek fashion, despite the fact that he couldn't see her.

"Then I'm gonna have two heart-breakers on my hands, instead of one." Derek was only half teasing, knowing he was venturing into treacherous territory, but completely unable to stop. His voice dropped an octave, "You two gonna break my heart, Baby Girl?"

"Never again, my hunky profiler, never, ever again." Penelope's tone remained light and flirty, but she knew Derek heard the truth in her words.

Derek allowed a soft sigh to escape his lips, but then before she could ask about it, he said, "Sorry, Baby Girl … gotta go. We're about to land."

The pilot had just announced their imminent landing at LAX.

"Hurry up and kick some unsub butt, my vision, so you can be home soon."

"That's a promise, Baby Girl." Derek answered immediately, then continued quickly, "Think when I get back, maybe you'll make that trip to Quantico we been talking about?"

"I'm looking forward to it, Hot Stuff."

Derek could practically hear her smile over the phone and his heart lightened further. At the pilot's second announcement, he sighed again, "Baby, I really gotta go."

"Derek?" Penelope paused only a second. "Be safe, okay?"

"I will, Angel. I'll call you soon as I can."

As she put down the phone in her bedroom, it was Penelope's turn to sigh deeply. In the last few weeks – especially since that wonderful day they'd felt the baby kick for the first time – her friendship with Derek had been getting steadily better and stronger.

Penelope was learning to accept Derek's kindness and generosity without being afraid that he pitied her, and especially without letting her guilt overwhelm her responses. She expressed her gratitude both in words and in the little things she could do for him from so far away.

Derek still insisted on coming to New York as often as he possibly could, so Penelope ensured that he had a meal waiting when he arrived, and the sofa bed made up if necessary. If he came straight from a case, she washed his clothes and re-packed his bag before he left.

They'd fallen back into the habit of discussing the cases that affected him badly, and she knew that he valued being able to have that release once again. She had woken up with him when he was plagued with insomnia, and held him one night when he'd had a nightmare and had woken up thrashing around on the sofa, enough to wake her and send her rushing out of her bed … well as much as she could rush anyway. He'd taken the comfort she'd offered, and talked about the nightmare to her, eventually relaxing enough to fall asleep while she held him.

That had happened only a few nights ago, and the memory was still fresh in her mind. The other memory that was also fresh and strong was of how she'd felt when Derek had finally fallen asleep, his head pillowed on her shoulder. When his sleeping weight became too much for her, she had gently eased his head down onto the pillow, and slid out of the bed, watching as he wriggled into a comfortable position without waking. Watching him, all Penelope had wanted was to slip into the bed beside him, wrap her arms around him and fall asleep holding on to him.

She sighed again as she remembered. This pregnancy was definitely wreaking havoc on her hormones, and making her long for things that she should definitely not be thinking about. She absolutely couldn't afford to do anything to jeopardize their friendship now. As far as she could tell, Derek was beginning to be comfortable with her again. He was beginning to trust her again.

By his words and actions, he proved time and again that he was willing to forgive her for the terrible hurt she had caused him. This was the one thing that Penelope was still having a tough time with – Derek's willingness to forgive her. The more she looked back on her terrible choice and its painful consequences, she found herself wondering how she could have been that blind.

She had had such tunnel vision over that stupid dream of creating the 'perfect' family, that she had willfully abandoned the only true family she could ever count on, including the one man who had cared for her, protected her, loved her more than any other person ever had, especially more than her husband ever had.

That was why she had such trouble with accepting Derek's forgiveness. How could she, when she couldn't yet forgive herself?

* * *

When he hung up the phone, Derek fastened his seat-belt and leaned back in his seat again. He was aware that both JJ and Prentiss were staring at him. However, he refused to look at either of them. He knew, without them saying anything, that they had overheard part of his conversation with Penelope and were dying to ask questions – very likely about the nature of their developing relationship.

The problem was, he didn't have any answers for them.

These last few weeks, Derek felt as though he truly had his best friend back, the one who would always make time for him and took care of him; the one who could always lift his spirits and soothe his soul – especially when the newest case brought back old, painful memories. He had his flirting partner back too. Flirting with Penelope had always made Derek feel good about himself, especially because their intellect generally got into it. She always gave as good as she got, and made him feel special, not like the muscle-bound hunk of meat most other women reduced him to in their heads.

So what was so bad about all that? Well nothing, unless you counted making him love her and want her more and more each day. When he'd had the nightmare in her apartment and drowsed in her arms afterward, Derek had had to remind himself over and over that she wasn't looking at him as a man in love with her. When she'd moved him out of her arms onto the pillow, Derek had pretended to be asleep. It was the only way to distract both of them from the very physical reaction he'd had to her warm, soft body pressing him close. He'd wanted nothing more than to pull her down in the bed beside him and kiss every inch of her beautiful body, including her rounded tummy which held that precious little life he was also desperately coming to love.

Derek wanted to fall asleep with Penelope in his arms and wake to find her still there. He wanted to be able to hold her and her 'lollipop', and keep them safe every day. It was, however, the one risk he couldn't take. She had been so badly hurt by Lynch, and she was only now beginning to trust that Derek wanted her friendship back, that he couldn't risk damaging that fledgling trust building between them again. But oh, how he wanted it all!

* * *

Three days into the new case, Derek was beginning to think that they would never get a break on the serial killer they were tracking. It was on cases like these that the team really missed Penelope's skills. Sierra was good, no doubt about it, but sometimes she was just a little too by-the-book to get them what they needed. _In all fairness to Sierra_, Derek thought, _she hadn't been a hacker in a past life!_

As he looked over the reports from the latest crime scene, at a small desk in a corner of a cramped room in the station, Derek's focus turned completely to trying to find anything they could use to find their unsub. He didn't even notice when JJ walked up to him, until she spoke his name, quietly but urgently.

Derek looked up at JJ standing next to the desk, and instantly his heart went into overdrive. A nameless fear rose in him, and trying hard to tamp it down, he asked carefully, "What is it, JJ?"

Then she spoke the words he hadn't even known he was praying she wouldn't.

"I don't have any details yet, but Penelope's been taken to the hospital."


	22. The Scare

**A/N: Thank you for the wonderful reviews ... you guys are fantastic! I'm sorry it took so long to update, but hopefully updates should be a little more regular from now until the end of the story. Enjoy the new chapter.  
**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little :)**

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Chapter 22 - The Scare

_Five hours was just too fucking long!_ Derek thought for the hundredth time as he shifted restlessly in his seat on the crowded commercial flight. Within ten minutes of JJ telling him about Penelope, Derek had been on his way to the airport. He and JJ had both immediately known that the team couldn't afford to be two people down. Derek would be forever grateful to her for simply looking him in the eyes and saying softly in her clear, gentle voice, "Go."

He had called Hotch and Sierra one after the other. Hotch, out in the field, had said only, "Keep us updated." Sierra had managed to have him on a flight by the time he had arrived at the airport.

All while they had circled to land, and during the cab ride to the hospital, Derek's impatience escalated into near panic. He _needed_ to be there, to be with Penelope. He had no idea what he would find when he arrived – JJ had only been able to tell him that the doctors were still with her, and that her OB-GYN had been called in. His brain was a torment of jumbled, incoherent prayers, each one the same at the core – _let his girls be okay_.

* * *

By the time Derek's flight was finally in the air, Penelope was already waking up in the hospital. It had been the most frightening thing Penelope had ever experienced, far eclipsing having been shot. She had opened her eyes and immediately looked down to her swollen belly, her hands moving instinctively to caress and soothe her daughter. Her right hand moved easily enough, but there was resistance from her left one. Looking over, she saw the lines attached and instantly made the connection. If she needed an IV, then things were not okay. Panicking, she tried to sit up, but was held back gently by a hand coming to rest on her shoulder.

"Lay back, Penelope. Everything's okay."

Following the instructions of the familiar, calm voice, Penelope looked up and met the eyes of the one person in New York that she trusted. There was still a question in her eyes, to which Dr. Annette Ward responded immediately, her voice reassuring.

"The baby's fine, Penelope. I promise she is."

That promise from her OB-GYN was the only thing that kept Penelope from full scale panic when she awoke. Dr. Ward had never been less than straightforward with her, and over the last several months, Penelope had come to depend on the doctor's absolute candor.

"Thank you, Dr. Ward." Penelope murmured softly. "For being here when I woke up."

"You're welcome Penelope." The striking African-American woman stood as she spoke, moving to get a closer look at one of the monitors above Penelope's bed. Seeming to be satisfied with what she saw, she returned to her seat. "Now, I'm sure you have questions about what happened, and I'll do my best to answer them for you. "

"I … I don't remember too much." Penelope looked up at the doctor, her eyes widening slightly. "I know I was at my desk, and I think … I think I went to stand up, and then everything goes dark after that. What happened to me?"

Penelope's question was plaintive, and the traces of fear were beginning to return. Her eyes darted once more to the sentry-like position of the IV pole at the side of her bed.

"You fainted." Dr. Ward began, reaching out to pat her patient's hand in a comforting gesture. "You were very lucky that one of your co-workers came into your office almost as soon as it happened. She called 911 and stayed with you until the ambulance arrived. You were very lucky that you fell backwards into your chair, and not onto the floor. The young lady also had the foresight to put your purse into the ambulance with you and one of the admitting nurses checked it and found my card."

Penelope kept rubbing her hand softly over her belly, trying to impart comfort to her daughter. "Do you know why I fainted?"

"Yes, I do."

At the sterner tone which entered Dr. Ward's voice, Penelope's hand stilled and she looked up, bravely meeting the other woman's eyes. She knew she wasn't going to like what Dr. Ward had to say next, but she wouldn't hide from it.

"You've been putting your body under too much stress, Penelope." Dr. Ward continued, keeping her gaze locked with her patient's. "Remember we discussed that your body is going through a very difficult process, and you need to give it care and attention, and above all, you need to be resting."

As Dr. Ward said those words, Penelope dropped her gaze, guilt tearing at her heart. Yes, it was definitely her fault. She'd been trying to have everything in place at work including training a replacement for when she moved back to Quantico. She hadn't told Derek as yet; she was waiting to surprise him.

That was when the thought hit her, _Oh my God, Derek!_ Penelope felt a different fear encircle her heart. She absolutely knew that Derek would be devastated when he found out, and he would probably be angry with her as well. His anger would be justified, because he had been trying for a long while to get her to rest more, especially since she had appeared not to be swayed into moving back to Quantico as quickly as he would have liked.

She became aware that Dr. Ward had still been speaking, and was rising to leave. Penelope reached out and caught the doctor's hand. "Just one more question … did you call anyone? For me?"

"Yes, I did. I called your emergency contact, Ms. Jareau. She promised someone would be here as soon as possible. I'll let them know at the nurses' station to tell you if someone comes. Now get some rest, Penelope. I'll be back to check on you in a few hours."

With that, Dr. Ward left and Penelope leaned back into the pillows and closed her eyes. She knew there was no 'if' about it. Someone would come … and that someone would be Derek, not JJ. The team was in California, but the distance didn't matter. Derek would come, and when he did, she would have to face the music. Strangely, the thought didn't upset her. Instead, it calmed her even more than Dr. Ward had been able to. It was Derek after all, and Penelope knew without a doubt she was never as safe as when he was right there with her.

As she lay in the hospital bed, the beeping of monitors and the hum of the air-conditioner the only sounds in the small room, Penelope couldn't help but think of what a fool she had been. Her mind replayed all the sacrifices Derek had made for her from the moment he had come back into her life.

She'd almost lost count of the number of days he'd spent with her, and certainly had lost count of the number of meals he'd cooked, outings he had arranged, foot massages he'd given, all his caring and support … just simply the amount of his time he'd given over to her. Deep down, she still knew she didn't deserve any of it, yet Derek had never let that stop him.

He had always been so much to her … more than just a friend. Her thoughts wandered back to the days when, long before there was Kevin, she had had such a huge crush on her best friend. Again, she wondered what would have happened if she had ever had the courage to tell him how she felt. The moment the thought arose, Penelope pushed it down firmly, reminding herself that Derek had never seen her that way, and she had let go of that foolish dream a long time ago.

Yet, it didn't help her wandering thoughts. Her traitorous mind persisted in thinking what a truly good man Derek Morgan was. That led to thoughts of him as a father, and the sudden image of him cradling a baby in his arms – as he had done when JJ brought Henry to the office – engendered a tremendous ache in Penelope's heart. Once again, she clamped down on the thought and ruthlessly reminded herself that she was just his friend, and not a very good one at that.

As sleep finally began to overtake her, Penelope released a soft sigh. She had a lot to accept responsibility for … and a lot of apologizing to do.


	23. Agreeing to go Home

**A/N:Thanks again for continuing to read and review this story! Enjoy.  
**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little :)**

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Chapter 23 - Agreeing to go Home

When next Penelope opened her eyes, it was to the strange sensation that something familiar had woken her, but she couldn't place what it was. Was it a sound? A movement? She remained quiet and still, hoping it would come again and this time be identifiable. She didn't have long to wait. The sound of voices came from right outside her room. One was a stranger's voice, but the other … oh, the other was the sweetest sound she had ever heard, next to her baby's heartbeat. Derek's voice.

She could tell that he was trying to control his temper. He was speaking in that slow, measured tone through gritted teeth that only happened when he was moments away from demanding what he wanted. She waited for the inevitable. There was a slight increase in the sounds from outside, just loud enough for her to hear snatches of the conversation.

"Look, Mr. Garcia …"

"It's Morgan. Derek Morgan. There is no 'Mr. Garcia.'"

The hapless nurse would have done well to pay attention to the controlled menace in Derek's voice, but she didn't seem to notice it.

"I'm sorry Mr. Morgan, but Ms. Garcia needs her rest. Only family will be allowed to see her."

"She _has_ no family here! Can't you understand that? I'm the closest thing to family that she does have!"

Penelope could tell that Derek's patience was wearing even thinner, and she knew he wouldn't last much longer. She wished she could call out to the nurse that she was awake and it was okay to let him in, but her throat was dry, and suddenly thick with unshed tears. He was right there, and yet so far away. She needed him … now. She struggled a little until she was halfway sitting up and reached for the call button next to the bed.

Before she could press the button however, she heard Derek begin to speak again and this time his tone of voice had changed. It was low, soothing and cajoling. Penelope knew that tone of voice too. It usually got Derek Morgan what he wanted, and he was using it on that nurse. She wasn't sure whether she should be amused … or jealous.

"Look, Nurse … Jordan. I've just flown here from California. I'm a Federal Agent, and that is where my team was when we got the news. Penelope … Ms. Garcia … is part of our team. We're the only real family she has. I promise you, there is no one else who will be coming here for her, and she does _not_ need to be alone right now. Please … I just want to see her."

Derek's voice dropped almost to a whisper by the time he finished speaking, but somehow his words carried to Penelope, and the tears that had been stuck in her throat made it to her eyes. She heard the hurt and the fear in Derek's voice and it broke her heart. It was all her fault he sounded that way, another thing she would have to try to make right. Her fear now was that maybe it would be too little, too late.

In her little moment of doubt, the unseen nurse seemed to have relented, for all at once, Derek was there in the doorway, the warmth of his presence filling the room. Penelope gave a wordless little cry and stretched out her arms toward him, her face filled with silent entreaty.

Then he was right there, his long strides eating up the distance between the doorway and the bed, and he was sitting on the bed, drawing her into his arms and cradling her gently. His warm, tender voice murmured soft, soothing words to her as she cried brokenly, clutching him to her.

"Derek, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry!"

"Hush, baby … it's alright now. It's alright." Derek almost crooned the words to her as he stroked her back softly. "You have nothing to be sorry about."

His tenderness was almost more than she could bear. It allowed her to rein in the tears just enough and collect her thoughts.

"Yes, yes I do." Penelope whispered into his shoulder, her voice getting stronger. She leaned back a little, and looked up at him from within the circle of his arms, raising one hand to wipe away her tears. "I'm sorry I was so selfish Derek."

"Selfish? Pen, what are you talking about? You're not …"

"Yes, I was selfish Derek." She looked straight into his eyes, hoping he could see in her eyes how truly contrite she was. "I was willing to take everything you were giving me … your time, your attention … everything. But the one thing you asked of me, I held back on, and I am so very sorry."

"Penelope, what are you talking about?" There was honest confusion in Derek's voice, but still his gaze was tender as he raised one hand to brush away a few straggling tears.

"If I'd listened to you the first time you asked me to move back to Quantico, then you wouldn't have had to go through what you did. Getting that phone call … and having to fly all the way here, not knowing what was happening. It wasn't fair to you, and I'm _sorry_."

The words had finally all rushed out, tumbling over themselves in her haste to have it all said, all out in the open. For a long time, Derek said nothing, and he seemed to be holding his breath. Finally he let it out on a soft sigh, and looked down at her again, meeting her eyes.

When he spoke, he didn't address what she'd said directly. Instead, he asked, "Baby Girl … do you need me? To be here, I mean. Do you need me here?"

Holding his gaze, Penelope responded softly, but intensely, "Oh yes, Derek! I need you! You have no idea how much I need you here."

She hadn't realized how tense his body was, until he almost sagged against her. Pulling her just a little closer, he responded, "That's all that matters."

"No!" Penelope pulled back swiftly. "You matter too."

Again, he didn't speak, but she saw how his eyes softened, and she felt just a little bit better. Allowing him to draw her close to his body again, Penelope finally completely relaxed into Derek's arms for the first time since he had arrived. She let herself draw comfort from his embrace, and thought of how good it felt to be held by him.

In the warm, safe circle of Derek's arms, Penelope had a surprising thought. _This is love. This is what love really is. Not what I thought it was at all._

It amazed her how blind she had been for so long to the fact that she had been well and truly loved, and she still was. Everything Derek did for her was done out of love. Everything JJ had done to bring her back to the team – to her family – had been done out of love. Yes, there was hurt, but there was forgiveness too, and understanding.

She finally knew what Derek had meant when he asked her why this family hadn't been enough for her. She truly hadn't known it at the time. She had thought that the only way to have the love, the family, she had been searching for for so long was to create it herself. Penelope felt thoroughly humbled to realize that she had had it all along.

In that moment of understanding, Penelope's healing process finally began. She didn't quite know it, but it was the start of her being able to forgive herself for the things she had done and the choices she had made.

"Penelope?" Derek's voice broke the silence. "Does this mean that you're ready to come back to Quantico now?"

He said nothing more, but it wasn't necessary anyway. One look into his eyes told her everything she needed to know. The naked plea in the brown depths touched her even more than his words could have done.

"Yes, Angelfish. No more waiting. I'll come home."


	24. Packing Up

**A/N: Thanks again for all the fantastic reviews! Enjoy the new chapter.  
**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little :)**

* * *

Penelope was going to be kept in the hospital overnight for observation. When Dr. Ward returned in the evening, she found Penelope sitting up in bed, with Derek in the visitor's chair at her bedside. Upon being assured that she could speak in front of him, the doctor explained that Penelope had had very minor contractions and had fainted due to exhaustion. Since there had been no bleeding, however, she was not going to admit her for longer than overnight nor recommend complete bed rest for the rest of her pregnancy. Dr. Ward did make it very clear that Penelope still needed to rest, otherwise she risked greater problems. She suggested that some vacation might be in order.

After Dr. Ward left, Penelope leaned back against her pillows, her mind churning with all the plans she had to make. Derek watched the faraway look in her eyes for a moment, and finally asked what she was thinking about.

"It's going to be hard to get rest, plus do all of the things I have to do." Penelope mused quietly, still staring ahead of her. "There's work to figure out, and packing, and finding someplace to live in Virginia …"

"Uh uh! No way!" Derek broke in immediately. He got up and sat on the edge of the bed facing her. Tipping her face up to his with one long finger, he continued, "You're not going to do anything stressful. That's my promise."

"Derek, I …" Penelope began to protest softly, but then she stopped, took a deep breath and asked instead, "What did you have in mind?"

As she watched a deep grin light up his face, Penelope knew she'd made the right choice. She'd resisted Derek on this for too long, and it was time she started living up to the promise she'd made to herself. It wasn't enough anymore to say she knew he had her best interests at heart. She had to begin to show it by her actions.

"You said you have enough vacation days to carry you through to your maternity leave, right?"

"Yes. We … I've never taken a vacation since I started there."

If Derek noticed her stutter, he didn't show it. "Good. Then all we have to do is give HR the report from your doctor, and apply for all your vacation. That'll give us all the time we need to sort out your transfer back to the BAU."

At Derek's last words, Penelope gasped in surprise, but Derek forestalled any comment. He took her hands in his, saying with a lift of one eyebrow, "What? You think Hotch is gonna give up this chance to get you back? No way!"

"But what about your permanent TA … Sierra?" Penelope protested.

"What about her?" Derek asked. "Sierra's very good … but she's no Garcia, Baby Girl. I'm sure Hotch will find a way."

Penelope wasn't as sure of that as Derek seemed to be, but she decided to leave well enough alone, as she really had no convincing argument to offer. Instead, she asked, "What about packing … and finding an apartment?"

"Easy." Derek said, absentmindedly stroking her hands. "The rest of the team will be here once the case wraps, and we'll do the packing, and I already know of an available apartment."

At those words, Penelope stared at Derek in shock.

"Were you … looking? Even before all this?" She asked in surprise.

"Not exactly." Derek grinned at her, looking both excited and slightly nervous at the same time. Penelope watched him curiously, wondering what he could possibly have to be nervous about.

"The thing is … I have this property. It's an apartment building." He looked away for a second, and then brought his eyes back to rest on her face, and this time there was a hint of pleading in them. "I just finished the work on it, and I was going to sell it, but I found someone to manage it instead, and there's an apartment that would be perfect for you. It's on the second floor, but there's a great elevator. It's got enough room for the baby; it's not too far from the office either. Baby Girl, just …"

"Derek," Penelope gently interrupted his gush of words. She slid one hand out of his and lifted it to press one finger against his lips, effectively hushing him. "Thank you. I'd love to have the apartment … under one condition."

"Anything." Derek answered immediately, his lips moving against the finger that was still pressed to them.

Penelope felt a frisson of heat go through her and moved her hand away to toy with the bed sheet. She only hoped he hadn't noticed.

When she hesitated, Derek must have thought it was reluctance to name her condition, because he said quietly, but firmly, "Tell me Penelope. It's okay."

"Oh," she looked up, a little startled. Then she said, "My condition is that I pay you rent."

"I'm fine with that." Derek responded so quickly that Penelope stared at him in surprise.

He didn't say anything for a moment, then leaning forward he slid his arms around her, and drew her into a tender hug. Though she'd never put him on the spot by asking, Penelope suspected that he would have agreed to pretty much anything if it would bring her home. When he finally spoke, he did murmur into her ear, "It'll be good to have you home again."

* * *

Five days later, everything had been arranged. When the rest of the team returned to Quantico from California, Hotch immediately made arrangements to allow them two days off. Then they took an early train to New York, arriving at Penelope's apartment prepared to pack everything she would need for the move.

It took most of the day even though everyone pitched in, but their eagerness to bring her home gave their efforts wings.

Rossi and Hotch made several trips up and down in the elevator to bring up the empty cartons the movers had dropped off, and then went to work packing up the kitchen, under Penelope's strict guidance. She was allowed to direct and advise, but not to lift a finger. Derek teasingly warned her that he would be keeping an eye on her.

JJ and Emily had the task of packing all of Penelope's clothes, shoes and other personal stuff, not forgetting her eclectic collection of jewelry. When the two women first walked into Penelope's marital bedroom, they stopped and stared at each other in surprise. There was already little trace of the woman they knew in what they had seen of the apartment on their previous visits, but it was much worse in this room.

It was a fairly spacious room, and comfortably appointed, but at the same time, the most noticeable thing about it was that it was predominantly … brown. The furniture was dark brown. The walls were painted a heavy cream color, accented by window treatments in several shades of brown with only a hint of turquoise for relief. The bed was also done in matching chocolate brown with minor hints of turquoise – some muted stripes being the highlight of the pattern.

Only when JJ opened the door to what proved to be a small walk-in closet did their friend's colorful personality burst forth. The small room was practically crammed full of Penelope-style clothing. Loud colors, raucous patterns, rows of shoes and handbags and overflowing baskets of fluffy, pretty hair-things. Opening a couple of drawers, JJ noted that all of Pen's usual collection of jewelry was also there.

Emily stood in the doorway between the closet and the main bedroom. Looking back and forth between the two rooms, she wondered whether Kevin had been deliberately trying to crush his wife's spirit. As she picked up an empty carton and passed it to JJ, she voiced her thought and the two women shared a look that combined sympathy and relief.

* * *

Penelope had handed Derek a box and directed him to the room which served as her home office.

"Pack everything except my babies. Don't touch those until I come back!"

Derek grinned; it always made him smile when the little touches of her true personality came out.

In all the time Derek had spent with Penelope in New York, he had never been in her home office. She'd never worked from home while he was there, and it had never been necessary to go into the room. Before today, he'd never even thought about it.

When he walked into the small space however, Derek stopped so abruptly that Reid, who had been following in his wake, stumbled hard. Bumping into Derek, he propelled him further into the tiny room, where they both stood dumbstruck for a long moment.

Though the room boasted only a single laptop, a single server tower, and a single flat-screen panel monitor mounted on the wall above the desk, in every other way it was a mirror of Penelope's old BAU lair.

As they looked around, both men recognized almost all of the trinkets and silly items which littered the workspace. It was all there, from the pictures of Pen with various members of the team, to the coffee mugs full of fluffy, feathered pens, to the ball of Silly Putty – everything, right down to the small pink, plastic wastebasket.

A burn at the back of his eyes and a tightness in his throat told Derek how very much he was affected by this most obvious evidence that in her heart, Penelope had never really left them behind at all.

Knowing that he was on the verge of actually _crying_ because of this damned room, Derek quickly cleared his throat and directed Reid to pack up the books. Derek would pack the rest of the contents – all her precious memories – himself, leaving only the computers until Penelope was ready for him to pack them.

* * *

In the end, Penelope was surprised to find that out of all the stuff accumulated in her fourteen month marriage, all she would take back with her were the things she had brought with her in the first place, and a very few others that she had bought during that time.

Of her wedding presents, she packed only those things which had been given to her by the team and their families, and her old friends from the Crisis Counseling Center. She would leave all the rest behind. There would be no place in her recovered life for those painful memories.

When they were done and almost ready to leave, Penelope paused in the doorway of her bedroom and looked toward the kitchen. Derek noticed.

"What is it, Baby Girl?"

"Just a couple things I have to do before I go." She responded, heading for the kitchen as the others followed. The team formed a loose circle around her as she sat at the almost bare kitchen table.

Penelope drew the envelope on the table toward her and drew out the sheaf of papers within. She glanced up and Hotch silently offered his pen. Quickly scribbling her signature on the last sheet, she put the papers back and returned the pen.

They watched in silence as she rose and walked to the mostly empty coffee pot. She poured out the last of the coffee into the sink, and then washed and replaced the pot. Wiping her hands on a kitchen towel, Penelope made a tiny, twisting movement that no one quite saw.

Finally she turned back to the table, and now everyone could see she held her wedding rings in her hand. With no ceremony or fanfare, she simply laid them down on top of the envelope containing the signed divorce papers.

Then she looked up into the waiting faces of her family.

"I'm ready."


	25. What Home Looks Like

**A/N: I continue to be very thankful for all the great reviews I have received for this story. We are heading into the final stretch of this story; just a few more chapters left. I did want to warn you that it will get bad before it gets better. It's not for the sake of adding angst, but because these things are truly necessary to the development of the story. That said, please enjoy the new chapter! For those of you curious about the new apartment, I hope I satisfied!  
**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little :)**

* * *

Chapter 25 - What Home Looks Like

Penelope had been back in Virginia for almost three weeks already. She was now just shy of eight months pregnant. According to her new doctor, she should be enjoying the last stages of her pregnancy as she was well on her way to a smooth delivery. Since returning to Quantico, Penelope and the baby had been in perfect health, and she knew it was because all her stress was now gone.

Ever since she'd been back, she'd been made to take it very easy. Her family had seen to everything for her. JJ had organized to have all her medical files transferred to Virginia, and had gotten her set up with a new OB-GYN. Dr. Leigh Sealy was JJ's own doctor and had seen her through her pregnancy with Henry. Penelope couldn't have asked for a better replacement for her own Dr. Ward.

The team had all pitched in – this time to help her unpack – once the movers had arrived with her things. Since it had already been late in the afternoon when the movers had finished unloading the boxes, the others had all come over the following day to unpack and set up everything. Derek had spent that first night on her couch, telling her teasingly that he was just claiming his rightful spot, but they both knew he wasn't leaving her alone her first night in the new place.

She thought back to when she'd first seen the apartment ...

_Derek made her close her eyes before he opened the door and helped her inside, the rest of the team bunched up behind them. When she opened her eyes she gasped, her jaw almost hitting her chest from shock. _

_They stepped into a mid-sized foyer that opened into a combination living- and dining-room. The apartment was quite a bit larger than the one in New York, yet it still managed to look much cozier and friendlier. What caused her reaction however wasn't the layout of the lovely space, but the fact that it was painted in the most gorgeous shades of purple and pink she had ever seen. Dusky pink base walls were set off by a rich purple accent wall along which were three doors that Penelope assumed led to the bedrooms and bathroom. _

_When she turned to Derek with a stunned smile and tears in her eyes, he grinned widely and still without speaking, lightly took hold of her upper arms and gently turned her to her right. Another small gasp was the result of her view of a second wall, this one a short half-wall painted in uneven pink and purple wavy stripes over which she could see the most perfect kitchen. Her true surprise came from the fact that the kitchen was painted in the same colors as the old one in New York._

_It was only then that Derek spoke. "See, we can get you a table and chairs just like the ones you made in New York, Baby Girl."_

_Still stunned speechless, Penelope only nodded happily._

"_Now come on, you've got other rooms to see, and I think these guys wanna come in out of the hallway!"_

_The thought was echoed by Rossi and Reid in quick succession, while JJ and Emily only laughed. Hotch stood to the back of the group as they entered the apartment where they all had spent significant amounts of time in the previous two weeks, as Penelope was soon to learn._

_There were more surprises in store for her, including the little home office in an alcove off the living room, a bathroom that included a claw-footed tub that was still low enough for her to step into easily, and her bedroom which was done in warm shades of gold and orange. The most amazing surprise however, came when Reid opened the door to what Penelope expected to be a second bedroom. _

_It probably had been a bedroom originally, but now it was the most glorious nursery she had ever envisioned. One entire wall was covered with a garden mural full of fairies, butterflies, flowers and insects in a riot of color. To counter it, there was beautiful white wooden furniture with pink and green bedding in a swirly abstract pattern. In addition, each member of the team had provided one special item for the baby, and they showed them to Penelope one by one._

_Emily's custom-made pink and white baby blanket lay folded over the side of the crib, while JJ's Talking Angel Teddy took up residence inside. Hotch's gift was a set of white leather-bound books – one a photo album and the other a keepsake book. The hand-carved rocking chair was a present from Rossi whose friend made and sold hand-crafted furniture. The crib and changing table/dresser also came from the same craftsman, but those had been paid for by the entire team chipping in. Reid's gift was typical of him – a complete set of a children's encyclopedia, set on a shelf between the crib and the rocking chair._

_Penelope hugged and kissed every member of her family, thanking them with tears sparkling in her eyes. When she came to Derek at last, the tears spilled as she threw her arms around him and hugged him as tightly as her rounded belly would allow. Penelope could still feel the warmth of his strong arms enfolding her as she whispered her thanks in a tear-filled voice._

As Penelope recalled those moments now, her eyes teared up again and she dashed away the falling drops almost absentmindedly. Penelope could still feel the warmth of Derek's strong arms enfolding her as she'd whispered her thanks in a tear-filled voice. Even at thirty-one weeks, her hormones were still all over the place, and she found herself crying over the silliest of things.

Right now, even without the little walk down memory lane, she knew she would have been crying anyway. That was because she was trying to find something to wear, and absolutely hated every item in her closet. Finally, she pulled out a white maternity dress which had a cascading abstract pattern in greens, blues, oranges and gold down the front. She'd bought it at JJ's insistence on their first shopping trip after she'd returned, but hadn't yet worn it. Holding up the dress and examining it critically, Penelope decided that it would have to do. She reached for a turquoise and gold cropped cardigan and laid both items on the bed. Then she moved to the dresser to find the perfect turquoise and orange accessories to pair with it. Finally, she sought out her orange ballet flats to complete the outfit, and then headed to the shower.

Today was to be her first visit to the BAU offices since she had returned home. About five days after the weekend she had moved in, the team had gone on almost back to back cases. They'd only had a couple breaks of a day or two each during that time. Penelope had been fortunate that Derek had been in town on the day she had her first appointment with the new OB-GYN. However, she hadn't seen him since that day, just under two weeks ago.

Last night he had called her just before midnight to let her know they were finally home. Then he'd said they would be in office all of the next day and coaxed and cajoled her until she had given in and said she would visit. He'd almost changed his mind when he'd remembered he couldn't come get her because of an early-morning meeting. By that point however, Penelope had already been excited by the idea and had told him she was a big girl and could get a cab.

Between last night and this morning, all her excitement had morphed into nervousness and she knew very well why. She was nervous, not about going in to the office after so long, but because Derek had not seen her in two weeks. What she steadfastly refused to examine, as the cab slowly made its way through somewhat busy streets, was why she had gone out of her way to dress up for the visit.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Penelope stepped out of the elevator and taking a deep breath, began to walk slowly towards the glass doors of the BAU. As she pushed the door slightly, she heard Derek's laughter ring out, and looked up. What she saw made her gasp and take a sudden step back. Derek had his back to her, and his arm was slung over the shoulders of a tall, beautiful blond woman in a steel-gray pantsuit that clung lovably to every amazing curve. As she watched, the woman said something to Derek, who answered in a low tone and they both laughed again.

An indefinable arrow of emotion lanced through Penelope, so painful that she rocked on her feet before she simply turned around and left. The veil of tears that sprung to her eyes meant that she did not see the person coming toward her. As she ran blindly into a slim, firm body, she felt a pair of arms wrap around her and steady her.

"Garcia? What's wrong?"

She looked up into Reid's worried eyes.

"I just … I can't …" Penelope stumbled over the words, her shoulders shaking. "I have to get out of here."

She attempted to pull herself out of Reid's arms, but he held on with surprising strength, though his hold remained gentle.

"It's okay, Garcia. I'll take you."

Penelope relaxed marginally and allowed herself to be led to the elevator, through the lobby and out of the building. Never removing his arm from around her shoulders, Reid led Penelope to the small coffee shop nearly a block away, where she'd always been accustomed to buying her morning coffee.


	26. Having You Home

**A/N: I know I've mentioned a couple of times that I have lost some readers because of the subject of this story. On the other hand, however, I have recently realized that I've gained many new readers as well, and I am really appreciative of every one of you who has given this story a chance. Thank you so much. **

**We're coming closer to the end, but as with many things, it gets just a little bit bad before it gets better. Enjoy!  
**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little :)**

* * *

Chapter 26 - Having You Home

She was back in Quantico … where she belonged. There was so much more Derek could say about what he wanted for himself, but having Penelope home would have to do for now. The last three weeks had been the best in his life since she had come back into it. He'd soaked in the joy of just being able to leave the office and get to her apartment in less than fifteen minutes. Despite not having been able to see her for the past two weeks, the days hadn't seemed so long anymore, not when he'd known she was so close … and safe.

Even in just the few days he'd actually been in town, it seemed they'd managed to settle into a comfortable routine. After leaving the office, Derek would finish up work, call Penelope and let her know he was on his way. Some days he would pick up takeout, or some days they would cook together in her kitchen; it depended on what she was in the mood for.

They would talk all the time; Derek sharing the less gory parts of whatever case the team was working on, and Penelope talking about what she'd done for the day and the plans she had for after the baby came. They both spent a lot of time speculating about what the baby would be like when she finally arrived. They'd even discussed names for the baby, and finally settled on Abigail, which had been Derek's choice. One of the meanings of the name was '_bringer of joy'_, which Penelope absolutely adored.

Derek had noticed Penelope didn't generally talk about Kevin at all. When she mentioned the baby, it was always about which of Penelope's own characteristics the little girl would inherit. Derek wasn't quite sure whether it was a good thing or not. Did it mean Penelope was over what Kevin had done, or did it imply instead that she was still pining for him and avoiding mentioning his name because it was too painful?

In truth, as much as Derek ached to know the answer to that question, he was much too afraid to ask. This was because the other effect of having Penelope home was that Derek was conscious of how much stronger his feelings had become. It was as if the physical distance between them when she had still been in New York had allowed him to lock those feelings away somewhere inside his heart. He knew they were there, but he didn't have to deal with them on a daily basis.

Now, every waking moment was filled with thoughts of her. As each day went by, she became more lush and beautiful. Even during the first difficult days, Penelope had had the glow pregnancy brought to some women. Now, because she was rested and happy and stress-free, that glow was magnified a hundred-fold and Derek found it harder and harder each day to resist simply pulling her into his arms and kissing her with all the pent up passion he felt for her.

The past two weeks had approached torture for him. The team hadn't been far away on either of the two cases that took up that period, but despite Derek having been able to talk to Penelope every night before she went to bed, he had missed her terribly. He couldn't wait to see her. It was why he had encouraged her to come to the BAU. It would be much better than having to wait until the end of the day to see her again.

* * *

_The more things changed, the more they stayed the same._ The bitter cliché ran through Penelope's brain as she sat opposite Reid in the coffee shop a block away from the FBI building. She was extremely grateful Reid had been there when she'd rushed out of the building. Wonderful, genuine, uncomplicated Reid. Right now, she needed the support that only he could provide. His undemanding conversation – he did most of the talking, and didn't ask her questions she wasn't ready to answer – allowed Penelope the time she needed to process her thoughts. Those thoughts were firmly centered around Derek.

When she had chosen to marry Kevin, Penelope had long been over her early crush on her best friend. When she had left Quantico behind to follow Kevin to New York, she had truly been in love with her husband … or so she'd thought. She had thought she knew what love and family were all about. Of course, Kevin had proven her totally wrong, having shown by his actions that he had never truly loved her, and that all her dreams had meant nothing to him.

Then Derek had come back into her life, giving her his friendship and his forgiveness. Each time he'd held her, comforted her, supported her, Penelope had taken one step closer to recognizing she had always had the very thing she'd been dreaming of – a family that loved and supported her, who were willing to always be there for her. She had loved having her best friend back, caring and wonderful as he had always been. She had rediscovered her deep love for him, her joy at having him in her life.

Today however, Penelope realized that in some ways she had learned nothing at all. Watching Derek with his arm around the gorgeous woman, Penelope had had a sickening revelation. There was much so more depth to everything she had been feeling.

She had, in the last five months, fallen totally and irrevocably in love with Derek.

In all the time she had ever known him, Penelope had never allowed her heart to go there – always knowing it wasn't the kind of relationship they had; it wasn't the way he would ever feel about her. It had been easier to hold on to her resolve when she'd been used to seeing him with a long string of different women, none of whom had looked anything like she did.

It had been different in New York. She had pretty much had Derek all to herself, with all his attention focused on her. It had been a heady feeling and Penelope had enjoyed every bit of it. Now, she began to realize that it wasn't just having Derek's attention that had changed the way she felt about him. It was that he never needed her to be anything other than herself, and he liked her just the way she was – loud, over-the-top, colorful … even embarrassing at times. It was that he never expected her to change to match any expectations he had. Whoever she chose to be was just fine with Derek.

Penelope had come to depend on his tenderness with her; on his closeness, his constancy. She had come to love all those things and in doing so, she had forgotten to guard her heart. The realization of this deep love for him couldn't have come at a worse time. It was ironic, really. When Kevin left, she had had to be strong for the baby's sake. She had found reserves of strength in herself she had never even known she possessed. Then, when Derek came back, he had helped her fortify that strength. The result was that she was finally in a position emotionally to be able to go after what she wanted in life – including Derek.

The problem was – she couldn't do that to him. He deserved much better than to be forced into the responsibility of another man's child. He deserved someone who would be his everything – who would be able to put him first. Penelope knew that wasn't her.

Her mind made up, Penelope took a deep breath and refocused her attention on Reid, who appeared to notice the change in her expression.

"Have you figured it out, then?"

"What?" Penelope's surprise showed.

"Whatever was bothering you before." Reid answered, calmly draining his coffee cup. "I could tell you were thinking about something pretty important. Is everything okay now?"

"Well, not _okay_, exactly," Penelope answered slowly, "but I know what I have to do now."

"Good." Reid answered, looking her over, "Does that mean you're ready to go back to the BAU now?"

"You know what?" Penelope favored him with her trademark grin. "I do believe I am, Dr. Reid. Shall we?"

* * *

Two hours later, Penelope's visit to the BAU was over … and a great success. Reid had walked her back quietly, and allowed it to appear as if they had simply met in the elevator. They hadn't been gone more than half an hour, so Derek had never realized anything had happened.

Penelope had met Sierra Tanner, and only then realized that she was the woman Derek had been hugging. It had been difficult to talk and smile with Sierra, because Penelope's heart had been breaking as she thought how perfect the friendly, attractive blonde would be for Derek. Still, she had reminded herself firmly that Derek deserved to find someone to love and she, Penelope, had been selfish concerning him long enough. She would not begrudge him that, no matter what she might tell herself she wanted.

Now she sat in the conference room with Derek, going over with him the amazing news Hotch had just imparted.

"Baby Girl, I told you Hotch would come through." Derek said calmly, rocking back in his chair. "You knew he was handling your transfer back."

"Sure, I did … I just never expected him to get me my old job back." Penelope's voice was full of wonder. "I mean, I get he already knew Sierra was moving on … but that was no guarantee, right? He still had to get it past Strauss."

"Woman, you're the best we've ever had … even Strauss can't deny that!" Derek leaned forward, capturing Penelope's eyes with his own, and his voice earnest. "Hotch just had to mention the solve rate, and we were half-way there. Every single team's solve rate dropped after you left. Even ours."

"You said 'we'. Were you in on this?" Penelope cocked her head to one side and regarded him curiously.

"Not the details, no. That was all Hotch and Rossi … I don't know what that man has on Strauss, but I was very willing for him to use it!" Derek laughed. "All I did was say 'yes' when she asked me if I could confirm whether you were interested in coming back."

Penelope smiled gently and reached across to capture Derek's hand in hers. "I know I've said it before … but, Hot Stuff … thank you for _everything_."

"You are very welcome, Baby." Derek answered sincerely, meeting her eyes. He was torn between wanting and not wanting her to read in his eyes how he felt.

Penelope fought to hide her feelings from her own eyes, but at the same time she couldn't possibly look away from the tenderness reflected in Derek's. They held each other's gaze for a long moment.

Then her cell phone rang, and as she pulled away to find it in her oversized gold-colored handbag, the moment was gone. Penelope glanced at the screen and her eyes widened in shock. She looked at Derek with an unreadable expression, while the phone continued to ring.

Finally, Penelope turned away from him and pressed the answer button. Her voice was low, but not so low Derek didn't hear the single word she spoke.

"Kevin."


	27. Don't Go Away Again

**A/N: Thank you to everyone for all your kind words of support for this story! I appreciate every comment that I received, and they gave me such encouragement.**

**We're getting closer to the end of the journey now ... things are starting to be resolved. I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little :)**

* * *

Chapter 27 - Don't Go Away Again

Derek shut the door of his office behind him. For a moment he leaned against it, taking deep breaths and praying that his heart would stop hammering in his chest. He hadn't been able to stay in the conference room while Penelope spoke to … _him_.

After Derek had heard her speak her husband's name, he hadn't made it past the next low murmur of her voice before he had to simply get up and walk out. He told himself bitterly that she probably hadn't even noticed he was gone.

Derek moved to sit behind his desk, staring blankly at the pile of papers in front of him. He couldn't focus. All he could hear was the sound of Penelope's voice when she had answered the phone. He had no idea what he would do if Kevin had decided he now wanted to be part of Penelope's and Abigail's lives. As much as every child deserved to have a family, Derek couldn't find it in his heart to accept _that_ family as a possibility. Not when he wanted them both for his own.

He thought back to that first visit to her new doctor. He'd gone with her and when Dr. Sealy had assumed he was the baby's father, Derek had felt ridiculously pleased – even though Penelope had corrected the assumption. Now, he just felt like a fool for having harbored the illusion for even a moment.

Lost in his painful thoughts, Derek didn't hear the knock until it was repeated even louder. Before he could collect himself to answer, the knob turned slowly, and Penelope entered the room.

"Hey," she began softly, walking closer to the desk, "I thought I'd find you here."

"Come to say goodbye?" Derek growled, wishing she'd just say it and get it over with.

"What? No. I thought you were taking me home." Penelope was confused, her eyes widening as she took in the harsh expression on Derek's face.

"Don't play dumb, Penelope!" Derek snarled, and then winced guiltily when she jumped. He forced himself to harden his traitorous heart, and continued, "Are you going back to him?"

"No!" Penelope gasped instantly, tears beginning to form as she understood what Derek was asking. "Of course not! Why on earth would you think that, Derek … after everything?"

"You left with him once before." Derek accused, his mouth tightening in a grimace as his fears took the upper hand in spite of Penelope's words.

He watched the hurt look glaze her eyes, and heard her gasp, but it was too late to take the words back. He wasn't sure he wanted to take them back, either.

Ever since the night Derek had turned up at her door in New York, Penelope had done everything she could to make sure he had never regretted his decision. She had weighed every word she'd said to him, speaking only the ones which she had been sure would hurt him the least. At Derek's bitter words however, the dam broke and the words flew out before she had time to think.

"How long are you going to hold that against me, Derek? I know I screwed up, but when will I have paid enough for you? When will I have apologized enough for hurting you? Or will I be apologizing for the rest of my life?"

"It's not about you apologizing!" Derek rose to his feet, staring hard at Penelope across the desk. "It's about you leaving me again. What more do I have to do?"

Penelope's eyes blazed, though the tears had now begun to slide down her cheeks. "_Leaving_ you? I didn't leave you, Derek Morgan! I made the wrong choice by marrying Kevin, but you were gone from me even before I made that choice, and you know it!"

Just like the night he'd thrown up at the side of the road, all Derek's anger left him in a rush. The tension visibly left his body and he sighed heavily, rubbing his hand over his head. He took in Penelope's heartbroken expression and the tears running down her cheeks and he felt like a complete bastard. Sighing again, he came around the desk and drew her unresisting body into his arms.

"I'm sorry baby." Derek crooned softly to her, stroking the tears away with his thumb. "I didn't mean to yell at you, sweetheart. I'm so sorry."

A tiny hiccuped sob was Penelope's only response, and Derek knew he owed her an explanation. It just couldn't be the one he wanted to give. He couldn't tell her that he'd been so blind with jealousy that he had lashed out at her without thinking. Instead, he settled for part of the truth.

"Baby Girl. I got scared."

Surprised, Penelope tilted her head up so she could see his face. Though she still said nothing, her silence clearly told him he should continue.

Looking down at her, Derek said softly, "I was afraid that just when you'd come home, that you were going to go away again. I couldn't bear it, Baby Girl. I … I just couldn't."

Penelope could see the hurt and the regret in Derek's eyes, and finally, she lifted her arms to slide them around his back. Never breaking eye contact, she spoke softly. "Derek, what Kevin did to me destroyed every dream I'd ever had of finding a family of my own. You were the one who put that dream back together for me, by showing me that I'd had the family I was wishing for all the time."

She paused, watching his face for a reaction. When he nodded slightly, she went on. "He only called to ask me if I'd signed the divorce papers yet. I told him his lawyer could get them from the apartment. Even if that wasn't the reason, there is nothing in the world Kevin could say that would make me go back to him. There is nothing he could do to make me subject my daughter to his presence. Do you understand me?"

Derek nodded his head again, and murmured a quiet, "I hear you, Baby Girl."

Penelope smiled tremulously, wishing she could really tell him what was in her heart … the other reason why she could never even consider going back to Kevin. Instead she only said, "I'd like to go home now, Derek. Please?"

Leaning down, he kissed her temple gently and wiped the last traces of tears from her face. "Sure baby, I'll take you home."

* * *

The ride to the apartment was very quiet, both Penelope and Derek lost in their own thoughts. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence – it was more that they were both aware that the conversation that had started in Derek's office wasn't quite over.

Once they were inside the apartment and Penelope had settled herself as comfortably as she could on the sofa, Derek sat down beside her and gently took one of her hands in his.

"Baby Girl, hear me out before you say anything, okay?"

The unexpected combination of seriousness and nervousness in Derek's voice made Penelope give him her full attention. She had the oddest suspicion about what was coming, but she said nothing, instead just nodded.

Derek's thumb stroked over the hand he held gently, as if trying to ease the way for what he was about to say.

"I think … no … I want …" Derek sighed deeply and then rubbed the top of his head roughly. He knew what he wanted to say, but the words weren't coming out. He was aware of Penelope watching him curiously. Taking a deep breath, he tried again.

"Baby Girl, will you let me marry you … and be a father to Abby?" Derek barely paused to glance at Penelope, and the shock he saw on her face made him rush ahead, "I know you don't love me like that, and I know what Kevin did to you makes you scared, but Baby, I promise I'll always take care of you and Abby, and you won't have to be alone."

Penelope smiled sadly. Knowing she'd been right hadn't made the words any easier to hear, nor stopped her from being surprised. Gently, she pulled her hand out of Derek's. Touching him would not make what she knew she had to say any easier.

"Derek, you are the most unselfish man I have ever met, and I know that you love and care about Abby and me," she paused, searching for the right words, "but I can't let you do this."

When he would have interrupted, Penelope touched a finger to his lips to forestall his words – forgetting her good intentions – and then pulled her hand away once more. The little touch felt like a flame against her skin.

"Angelfish, listen to me … you deserve to find someone amazing who you love more than anything in the world, and you deserve to have a perfect marriage and beautiful babies with her."

She had thought she couldn't love Derek more than she already did, but he had proven her wrong. Though it hurt her immensely to say no to him, Penelope simply couldn't allow him to sacrifice his chance at happiness.

"What happens when you do find someone you can love like that, Derek?" Penelope continued softly. "I'd hate myself for holding you back from the love of your life."

She told herself over and over that she was doing the right thing … for both of them, despite how much it hurt. Still, she wasn't prepared for Derek's next words. Just when she thought her heart was broken enough, Penelope found it could still shatter into minuscule shards.

"I'm already in love with someone." Derek said in a low voice. He couldn't seem to meet her eyes, and Penelope was glad, because then he couldn't see her world ending.

She wondered if it was the beautiful blond TA, Sierra. Watching his nervous posture, Penelope realized it didn't matter who the woman was. She, Penelope, had to do the right thing.

"Then how could you give that up, Derek?" She asked, unshed tears making her voice hollow. "I can't let you do it, Hot Stuff. Especially not when you deserve much more than tying yourself down to raising another man's child. No, I just couldn't do that to you."


	28. In This Life Together

**A/N: Here we are finally, not quite at the end, but what I know many of you have been awaiting. I truly hope you enjoy. One chapter and an epilogue left after this.**

**The quote at the end is from **_**I Believe in You**_** by _Il Divo_.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little :)**

* * *

Chapter 28 - In This Life Together

Derek had held his silence way too long. He'd given Penelope a chance to respond to his offer to marry her and be a father to Abby, and from her responses, he knew she'd misunderstood. He couldn't let things go on like this a moment longer. The first misconception he had to clear up was about the baby.

Reaching out, Derek very deliberately rested one hand on Penelope's swollen belly, his long, dark fingers splayed against the white of her dress. As always when he did that, the baby kicked firmly, responding to his touch.

Penelope's eyes darted from the hand on her stomach, to Derek's face. He was so serious, his eyebrows drawn together slightly, that she knew they were on the verge of something momentous. Her heart raced for a moment, wondering what he was going to say. She didn't have long to wait.

Meeting her gaze, Derek began to speak, his words washing over her. "You need to understand one thing first, Baby Girl. From the moment I heard her heartbeat in the doctor's office, I've wished Abby was mine."

Penelope's jaw dropped and her hand tightened involuntarily over Derek's. When she would have spoken, he forestalled her.

"Please baby, let me say this …" Derek begged softly, and Penelope simply nodded, her gaze never leaving his face. "I've been so proud and so damned glad that you've let me be a part of her life so far. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to give that up. You said before that I showed you what family was all about, and I gave that back to you, right?"

"Yes." Penelope responded in the softest of whispers, her eyes suspiciously bright.

"Then marry me, sweetheart, and give me the family I've always dreamed of. Give me the chance to be everything you need. Please."

At that last heartfelt plea, the tears that had been threatening all while Derek was speaking finally spilled over Penelope's eyes and rolled helplessly down her cheeks. She had no doubt from his words that he loved her baby as much as she did, but as beautiful as that was, it had brought home to her the fact that he was also in love with someone else.

"Derek … you will always be a part of Abby's life … for as long as you want," Penelope said quietly, her tears falling faster, the ache in her heart spiraling "but you don't have to marry me to have that. It wouldn't be fair … not if you have the chance to be with someone you love."

Though it hurt more than she had ever thought possible to contemplate Derek loving someone else, being with someone else, Penelope knew she was doing what was best for him. She could easily take what Derek was offering. She loved him so deeply that she knew she'd be happy to have him in whatever way he wanted. Yet, she couldn't do it. In her heart, she felt she finally understood what it meant to love someone so much you'd give up your own happiness for theirs.

With the pain in her heart threatening to overwhelm her, Penelope stared at Derek, completely stunned to see his face break into a heart-warming, tender smile. Her shock only grew when he raised both hands to cup her face gently between warm palms.

"Baby, if you say yes … then you'll be giving me that chance." Derek smoothed the softness of Penelope's damp cheek with his thumb, dipping closer to her lips with each pass.

His fingers against her skin felt so good, but it was also very distracting. "Wha … what? Derek, baby, I don't …"

Penelope stopped as Derek leaned even closer to her. In spite of the smile on his lips, and the crinkle of laugh lines around his eyes, the look he gave her managed to be both pleading and hopeful.

"Sweetheart, it's you. It's you that I'm in love with."

With a shocked gasp, Penelope pulled away from Derek, her eyes wide and her heart pounding.

"Me? But … but how?" She whispered the words brokenly. "After everything I did … how could you fall in love with me? How can you even forgive me, Derek? No. No … it isn't possible."

Derek moved closer to Penelope, wrapping one arm around her shoulders, and with his other hand, turned her face to him again.

"It is possible. Trust me; I was always in love with you … even before … before you got married."

Again, Penelope found herself almost paralyzed with shock; she could barely speak because the tears had started to flow again, accompanied this time by plaintive sobs. She felt Derek cuddle her close to his chest, rubbing her back and telling her it was okay in low, soothing murmurs. After a while, his warm presence calmed her, as it always did, and the sobbing lessened.

"But I did the one thing you ever asked me not to do, Derek." Penelope whispered painfully. "I never thought you'd be able to forgive me for that."

"What are you talking about, Baby Girl?" Derek asked gently.

"I stopped talking to you." Penelope cried softly, brokenly. "I promised you I wouldn't ever stop talking to you … but then I did, and I'm so sorry!"

"Shh, Baby Girl, it's okay." Derek answered, and then sighed softly. He had his own regrets about that period in their lives, and he needed to come clean. "I forgave you for that a long time ago, Penelope."

When she looked at him in surprise, Derek gave a quiet, rueful laugh. "You didn't mess our friendship up all by yourself, Baby Girl. Don't you think I regret that the one time I really should have listened when you talked, I totally screwed up? I was the one who drove the first wedge between us when I didn't listen to what you had to say about Tamara."

Stroking the traces of her tears from her face, Derek continued, his regret clear in every word. "I never held to my end of that bargain, Penelope … so I couldn't hold your decision against you. I lived every day after you left knowing that it was my fault.

Leaning forward, Derek kissed Penelope softly on both cheeks. "Baby, I'm sorry I ever gave you a reason to doubt our friendship … to doubt me."

"I'm sorry too, Derek." Penelope answered quietly. "I know I've said it before, but I'm truly sorry I ever lost sight of your friendship and what it meant to me. I let my fear of ending up alone rule my life, and I hurt you in the process."

"Sweetheart, you have the biggest, most loving heart of anyone I've ever known." Derek said, as he leaned back to look into her eyes. "But you're also harder on yourself than anyone else. Use that big heart of yours, baby, and forgive yourself. Can you do that, Penelope? For me?"

She didn't need to think about it – she'd do anything he asked of her. "Yes, Angelfish, I can. I promise."

When Derek wrapped both arms around her and hugged her tightly, Penelope allowed herself to sink into his embrace and enjoy the feel of his firm, strong body pressed against her. She felt his lips move against her hair as he kissed her temple tenderly before moving back.

"Baby … do you think … maybe …" Derek was suddenly nervous. "What I said before … I know you don't feel …"

With an adorable smile, Penelope pressed her fingers to Derek's lips, effectively stopping his words. She traced his lips with a deliberately sensual touch, exulting in the stunned expression in his eyes.

"Hot Stuff, I've spent every day of the last five months falling in love with you."

Derek made an inarticulate sound deep in his throat, as a mixture of hope and desire flared to life in his eyes, locked on hers. When he did speak, his voice was hoarse with longing.

"God, baby! You … you mean that?"

It was her turn to caress his face slowly and lovingly. "Yes Derek. I really do love you, and if you'll have me, I'll spend the rest of my life showing you just how much."

When they moved as one, reaching for each other, the kiss they shared was full of warmth, love and passion waiting to be explored.

Breaking the kiss after a long moment, Derek whispered softly, "I don't deserve you."

"No." Penelope corrected him gently, caressing his slightly stubbly jaw. "You deserve someone much, much better than me, but I promise I will make it up to you every single day for the rest of my life."

Taking her face in his hands once more, Derek said, "Love doesn't ask us to make up, Baby Girl. I don't need that. I just need you to love me … to need me … always. Can you promise that?"

"Oh yes, Hot Stuff! I do love you, and I need you Derek. I'll always need you."

"That's all I need, Baby Girl."

* * *

Penelope had come to understand that what she'd thought romantic love meant was the viewpoint of a child. She had been looking for the fairytale her whole life, and had cast Derek in the role of her prince. When nothing had ever happened between them, and especially when he had begun dating Tamara, Penelope had believed that she'd had it all wrong – that kind of love didn't exist. She believed that the 'reality' Kevin offered her was what real-life love was all about.

Now, however, she understood that she had had it wrong both times. It was only Derek's utter sacrifice that showed her what real love was made of … and all she wanted now was the chance to show the same love to him.

As Derek bent to kiss her again, and Penelope gave herself up to his embrace, she spared a thought for what he had asked of her. She could continue to feel guilty and devalue everything they shared … and devalue Derek's love for her. Or she could let go of the guilt and the fear and concentrate her energy on returning the wholehearted love that he deserved, and on giving him the family he wanted as much as she did.

Looking at the wonderful man who had his arms wrapped around her, her best friend, her true love, with his heart open to her … the decision was easy.

**_Someday I'll find you. Someday you'll find me too,_****_  
And when I hold you close, I'll know that it's true._**

******_Follow your heart, let your love lead through the darkness_****_  
Back to a place you once knew. I believe, I believe in you._**


	29. Loving Each Other

**A/N: Hello again, everyone! Thank you all for your fantastic reviews - I loved reading every one of them :)**

**This is the chapter that almost never was. I'd had ideas for this scenario, but it never seemed to work, somehow. Then, when my dear friend, KricketWilliams was beta-reading the last few chapters for me, she said that the story really seemed to be calling for this. Apparently, my muse was listening, because I wrote this over the course of a couple of hours. I find it very ironic that it turned out to be the longest chapter of the entire story. I very much hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it.  
**

**Please note that the addition of this chapter means that I have to raise the rating to M. If this is not your cup of tea, feel free to ignore this chapter. The story may be read without it.  
**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little :)**

**WARNING: STRONG SEXUAL CONTENT  
**

* * *

Chapter 29 - Loving Each Other

Several days later, Derek drove away from FBI headquarters wearing a small grin. It was late and he'd had a very long day. Still, he was looking forward to spending a little time with Penelope before he went home to get some sleep. The smile on his face was partly the result of the anticipation of seeing her, and partly because JJ and Emily had been teasing him about being in love before he left.

Derek and Penelope hadn't kept their newly discovered love from the rest of the team – their family. They'd wanted to share their joy with the people they knew loved and cared for them both. Of course, there was a now lot of teasing to live with, but Derek would never let on how much it pleased him to be teased about that.

Derek still sometimes found it hard to believe he finally had everything he'd wanted for so long. It was still too new. Despite all the time he and Penelope had spent together in the last five and a half months, he had, quite a while back, given up hope she would ever be his. More than that, he'd given up hope he would ever have the family he wanted.

In his heart, Derek had come to understand he would rather be alone if he couldn't have Penelope and Abby … and a future with hopefully more babies. He could never love someone else the way he loved his Baby Girl. It was why he woke up every morning now with the most amazing feeling in his heart, just from knowing she loved him the same way.

He'd spent the entire drive to Penelope's new apartment reflecting on what a lucky man he was, and now he let himself into the apartment, eager to see her … and craving her kiss.

"Baby Girl?" He called as he tossed his keys and phone into the pink opened seashell that served as a catchall tray.

"In here." The soft response came from the direction of her bedroom.

When Derek entered, he found Pen sitting up in bed, wrapped in a thin, ivory-coloured silk robe which was covered in Japanese cherry blossoms. Derek smiled – he'd bought it for her in New York when she had complained her regular robe didn't fit her anymore. He loved to see her wearing it. It clung so lovingly to her curves and highlighted the ivory perfection of her skin.

As he walked over to her side, Derek was unbuckling his holster to store it in the small lock-box installed for him at the bottom of the nightstand. He was distracted and didn't realize for a moment how quiet she was. When he looked at her, he instantly noticed her dejected posture and the pregnancy book she'd been reading discarded on the floor next to the bed.

Immediately, Derek sat on the edge of the bed and reached out to caress up and down her arms gently. "Sweetheart, what's wrong? You not feeling good?"

For the first time since he had entered the room, Penelope looked up at him and Derek drew in a swift breath at the sadness in her face.

"Baby, what is it? Tell me, please." When she still seemed to hesitate, Derek cupped her cheek in his large hand, "C'mon girl, you know you can tell me anything. I love you, you know that."

It was the little hint of uncertainty in Derek's voice that made Penelope make the effort to shake off her melancholy and now she gave him a tremulous little smile. She could recognize in him his fear that he would lose what they had. She understood; she felt it too. Unable to bear the thought that he was hurting in any way, Penelope reached for Derek's hands and, taking them in hers, kissed them softly, over and over. Still holding on to his hands, she laid them on her tummy and they shared a special smile when Abby gave her usual response.

"I know you do, Angelfish." Penelope reassured him. "And I love you too … with all my heart."

"Then tell me what's wrong."

"I feel terrible."

"'Terrible' how? Where does it hurt?" There was the tiniest hint of panic in Derek's voice and Penelope hurried to assuage it.

"No, love. Nothing hurts." She answered. "I know it's silly … but I … I _look_ awful."

"No you don't!" Derek told her promptly. "You're beautiful, sweet and sexy. You smell like sunshine and peaches."

She looked at him with an expression of utter disbelief. It said, more than any words could have done, that she was certain he'd said it only to make her feel better; that he didn't really believe it.

"Baby …"

"I look like a beached whale!" Penelope suddenly wailed, her eyes filling up with huge, fat tears. "My face is puffy, my feet are swollen – along with everything else – and I just … I look awful!"

Once he understood what the problem really was, Derek had to fight to keep the smile off his face. He realized that no matter how often he said the words, between the mirror and her hormones, Penelope already believed the worst. She truly didn't understand the delight with which he had watched her body change, or how he had wanted her more and more as each day passed. Well, maybe he couldn't tell her … but he certainly could show her. He was pretty sure he had … _evidence_ … she couldn't possibly deny or misread.

Sliding his hands out of hers, Derek stood. Kicking off his shoes, and removing his socks he gestured to the bed.

"Move over." He commanded with a grin.

"What?" Penelope looked surprised.

"Move over." Derek repeated, still smiling. "I want in."

Responding instinctively to Derek's smile, Penelope moved to do as he'd said. Derek slid carefully on to the bed beside her, and immediately reached out to take her into his arms. Carefully pulling her close, Derek turned Penelope's face to his and captured her lips in another kiss.

The moment Derek's mouth closed over hers, Penelope felt her body clench in response. Back in New York, she'd thought it was the pregnancy hormones that had caused her reaction to Derek. Now she knew – it wasn't just the hormones. It was Derek himself. She wanted him – _desired_ him – with a level of passion she'd never known existed. Every time he touched her, he lit every nerve ending on fire.

When Derek's tongue swept against the seam of her lips, seeking entry, Penelope gave him what he wanted, and opened herself to his kiss. She lifted her hands to his broad, strong shoulders and held on tight.

Feeling her response, Derek's trembled with the intensity of the moment, receiving an answering shiver from the incredible woman he held in his arms. Lifting one hand to cradle Penelope's face, his other pressed warmly at her back, Derek plunged his tongue past the soft, sweet barrier of her lips. He teased and tasted, reveling in her sweetness, in the pure joy of having her kiss him back like he'd always fantasized about.

Unexpectedly, Penelope's sweet taste turned to salt against his lips, and after a moment of confusion, Derek realized there were tears rolling down her cheeks. Instantly, he pulled away, searching her face for some sign of what was wrong.

"Baby? What is it?" Derek asked, anguish in his voice, as his thumb caressed the tears from her cheeks. "Did I hurt you? Did you … not like it? It's okay baby; you can tell me."

Dropping her hands, Penelope twisted them in her lap as she whispered helplessly, "I want you so much, Derek."

"And that's a … bad thing?" Derek questioned gently, still trying to understand.

"Nuh .. no …" she stuttered back, "but you ... you can't … and I, I look like this! You don't want me like this."

Derek's shoulders sagged in relief, his hand dropped away from her face and he let out a rueful laugh. It was obvious Penelope misunderstood, because she began to pull away from him, turning her face aside. Quickly, Derek turned her face back to him with a finger under her chin.

"Oh no, Baby Girl … I wasn't laughing at you." He murmured, right against her lips. "Never that."

With that, he captured her lips again, and once more, they both trembled at the sweetness and heat of the shared kiss. This time, when he eased his mouth away, Derek kissed his way along Penelope's jaw, enjoying the tiny moan it drew from her, and the way she arched into his kiss.

"Oh, Derek …" Penelope sighed as she felt the slight stubble of Derek's face against hers.

Mindful of her tummy, Derek scooted as close to Penelope as he could. Rolling his hips against her thigh stretched out next to him, he registered the look of shock on Penelope's face as she felt the heat of his already very hard erection pressed against her.

"Oh yeah, baby … that's what you do to me … all the time." Derek gave her a brash little grin, before he turned more serious. "I've always wanted you, Baby Girl, and I have always thought you the most beautiful woman I've ever known."

Penelope's heart soared at Derek's heartfelt words and the tears that slipped from her eyes now were much happier ones. She traced one finger over the muscles of his arm and registered how he trembled slightly under her touch. Leaning forward, she pressed her lips to the same spot and grinned a little when his erection pulsed against her thigh.

In a husky voice, heavy with desire, Derek said, "The only thing that stopped me from making love to you before now was that I didn't know how it would affect Abby."

He watched in amazement as Penelope blushed bright red, colouring all the way down to the v-neck of her robe. Derek followed the flush of colour with his eyes, and he was just reaching out to touch, when she distracted him with words so soft, he strained to hear them.

"It's okay. I asked Dr. Sealy."

"You did?" Derek couldn't hide his surprise. "When?"

If possible, Penelope blushed even deeper. "The day after you told me you loved me."

Derek burst out laughing, and hugged her hard. "Woman, you never cease to amaze me!"

Penelope grinned back at him cheekily, "Good to know I'm not losing my touch."

"Never." Derek was suddenly serious again, his eyes drifting down to where her robe was pulled over her breasts. This time he let his fingers rove where they'd long wanted to, and sighed in satisfaction when Penelope moaned softly.

Slowly, he pulled the satin ribbon which tied the sides of her robe together, and drew the material away from her body. Penelope's naturally fair skin shone like porcelain and Derek took another heavy breath when her body was finally revealed to him. Helping her remove her clothes, Derek kissed his way down her chest to the soft flesh spilling over the cups of her bra, until he took that off as well.

"Oh, baby … so beautiful." His eyes roved greedily over her full breasts with their raspberry coloured tips already hardening under his heated gaze.

When Derek lifted one heavy globe to his mouth and licked at her turgid nipple, Penelope gasped and clutched his head to keep him there. Then he sucked softly at the little nub, just enough that Penelope felt an answering tug deep inside of her, but not so much that it hurt. She marveled at how Derek instinctively seemed to know her body and exactly how to touch her, even where she was extra sensitive.

Raising his head from her breast, Derek replaced his mouth with his fingers, tracing patterns on the soft skin and circling her nipples.

"I want to make love to you so much, Baby Girl." He said quietly. "Are you sure you're ready for this?"

"I've never been more ready than right now, Derek." Penelope answered just as softly. "Make love to me, please, Hot Stuff."

In moments, Derek was off the bed and had stripped off his clothes completely, feeling exceedingly proud of Penelope's gasp when his boxers came off. She'd taken the opportunity to lie down on her side, and Derek moved back to the bed. Kneeling in front of her, his eager cock sticking straight out in front of him, he traced his fingers over the little lacy panties that barely covered her mound. Easing his fingers between her legs, Derek stroked the wetness he found there, eliciting a soft, sweet moan from Penelope. Her reaction made Derek's cock pulse and a little moisture appeared at the tip.

When Derek removed her panties, drawing them down and off, his big hands stroking down her legs as he went, Penelope could feel herself becoming even wetter, could feel it seeping down to coat her thighs. She shifted restlessly and reached for Derek, unable to wait even a moment longer to feel him inside of her.

Responding to her silent entreaty, Derek moved to lie behind her, spooning his body against hers. Sliding one arm under Penelope's shoulders to support her head and turn it a little to him, he bent forward to kiss her again. As his velvety hardness pressed against her bottom, Penelope arched back against him with a wordless cry.

"Mmm … oh yes, baby, yes …" Derek's words trailed off as he stroked his hand over Penelope's belly, and then moved further down. Insinuating his fingers between her legs, he slicked them through the wetness he found there, flicking against her clit softly.

Penelope bucked against him, her eyes flaring, "Now … oh now, please Derek. Please!"

"Yes, love …" Derek murmured as he lifted her leg and rested it on his thigh. His movements slow and deliberate, Derek thrust slowly into Penelope, inch by delicious inch. He listened carefully to her gasps and little moans to ensure she felt only pleasure, and no discomfort.

There followed lots of long, slow strokes as Derek kissed Penelope over and over, molding her breasts with his fingers, stroking and circling her nipples, moving down to her clit and back up. Finally, Penelope grabbed his hand and brought it into direct contact with her swollen bud, pressing down.

It was the most amazing sensation she had ever felt. Derek moving inside of her was pure and utter possession. He was absolutely claiming her as his own with every stroke, every touch on her heated flesh. What she hadn't expected was how it felt to have him also give her all that he was, his very soul, in each of those strokes and touches. She felt all her love for him surge up and fill her completely.

Derek had never known making love could be like this. His Baby Girl moving with him, their bodies drawing pleasure from each other and giving it all back was something he could never have imagined was possible. He had never felt so close to her before, so totally wrapped up in her, so very much in love.

Then she pressed back against him once more, and gasped, "Derek, baby … oh god, please."

"Tell me, baby … what do you need?"

"More please … faster …" She gasped out again as Derek continued with those slow, maddening strokes.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes … now!"

Derek obliged somewhat, speeding up his plunges into Penelope, burying his face against her shoulder and nipping at her skin. However, as he moved faster, he made his thrusts shallower, afraid of hurting her or the baby. That lasted only until Penelope reached backwards, grabbed hold of his ass and pulled him sharply forward, her intentions clear.

He felt the sensations begin to build in his groin at her bold move. Derek kept up his pace, but began to move deeper and deeper on each thrust, until he was almost pounding into her. Penelope met him move for move, arching back against him each time. Feeling her tighten around him, Derek knew Penelope was coming close to her fulfillment and he let go of his control just a little so he could be right there with her. He pressed just the tiniest bit harder on her clit as he plunged one last time into her heated depths. Derek was rewarded with the sound of Penelope sobbing his name as she shattered around him, just as he growled deep in his throat and exploded inside of her.

Penelope lay with her eyes closed, feeling Derek's lips against her throat, kissing her softly. Her belly throbbed, but it was a pleasant, almost comforting feeling. She instinctively knew Abby was fine, not fazed in the least by what had just happened.

Running her hand where she could reach along Derek's hip, Penelope savoured the sensations coursing through her body. She could hardly believe it … she'd never come like that in her entire life. What Derek had done – timing his own release to coincide with hers – she hadn't known was possible.

As Derek cuddled her close and caressed her belly gently, Penelope knew for the first time what it meant to be perfectly matched with her lover. She would never again doubt that Derek desired her with every fiber of his being, just as she desired him. She'd finally found the other half of her soul, when Derek had given her his.


	30. Epilogue

**A/N: I can hardly believe that I've come to the end of this story. It has been a long journey for me to get this completed, and I'm happy and sad at the same time. I thank each and every one of you who read, alerted and added this story to your favourites, and for sharing both the triumphs and difficulties with me. Thanks especially to KricketWilliams for all her help, but especially for her encouragement along the way.**

**I hope you all enjoy the end of this particular journey for Penelope and Derek.  
**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little :)**

* * *

Chapter 30 - Epilogue

**Nine Years Later**

From a spot near the entrance to the park, the man watched the little family gathered around the picnic table about ten feet away. He wasn't afraid of being seen, as the copse of trees where he stood ensured that he would remain unnoticed until he was ready.

At forty-seven, he looked quite a bit older, his once pasty skin now tanned and leathery from years in the drier climates of the Middle East. Nine years ago, all he had wanted was to see the world, or at least some other part of it than what he had grown up with. Now, as he watched the children chase each other around the table, overseen by their parents, he found himself filled with regret for what he had left behind.

Leaning against the trunk of the nearest tree, he studied the family grouping more closely. The intervening years since he had last seen the man and woman seemed not to have affected them physically at all. _If anything, he looks brawnier than ever, _he thought derisively, dismissing him as he never could before. The woman, on the other hand – well, he could hardly take his eyes off of her. Even from this distance, she practically glowed, her whole face lit up in cheerful laughter. From the sideways view he had of the table, he could tell she was very pregnant, and if anything, looked all the sexier and more beautiful for it.

Ignoring the sudden painful tightening in his chest as the past seemed to want to swallow him, he shifted his attention to the children. The oldest was a girl, whom he knew had to be nine years old now. She wore orange shorts and a yellow and orange tee, and had her thick, shiny blond curls tied in two ponytails. Combined with a rosebud mouth in a rounded, pretty face, she was the absolute image of her mother, made even more perfect when she dropped into the seat next to her mother and threw back her head, laughing delightedly at the antics of her two younger brothers.

Needing to look away from the picture made by mother and daughter, the man focused on the two younger children. They each had hold of one of their father's hands and were trying to pull him up off the bench. The father laughed indulgently at their antics, but didn't move, allowing them to prolong the game. Both boys were in shorts, t-shirts and sneakers, but there the similarities ended. The older of the two looked to be around seven; his skin was the precise color of caramel and a thick riot of copper curls clung to his head. The younger, certainly no older than four, was a little darker than his brother, with short dark brown curls. He looked a lot like his dad, but his features also resembled those of his older sister quite a lot.

_They're a veritable rainbow,_ was the bitter thought that ran through the mind of the watching man as the father finally allowed the two little boys to pull him off the bench. He turned back to the table to say something to the mother and daughter, both of whom shook their heads rapidly, looking like matching dolls. The girl waved her book in the trio's direction, indicating her preference for staying at the table and reading. More laughter, and the man turned back to the little boys, letting them drag him in the direction of a clown making balloon animals.

As they walked away, the watcher finally moved from his position under the trees and began to make his way across to the picnic table, and the mother and daughter seated there.

* * *

He may have thought she didn't see him, but Penelope noticed immediately when the man stepped out from the stand of trees and began to make his way over to them. She was alert, but she wasn't too worried. Derek and the boys were still within shouting distance, Abigail could run like the wind ... and even pregnant, Penelope could handle herself long enough for Derek to get back to her.

Then, as he got closer, she finally recognized him and a totally different emotion welled up in her. It was the first time she had seen him in nine years, and while he had changed physically, she had no problem recognizing the man who had left her pregnant and alone. Instinctively, she reached across and stroked her daughter's arm gently.

* * *

Looking up, the little girl saw the man almost at the table. She tensed and her eyes widened in surprise. She threw a quick glance at her mother, and noting the latter's little nod, relaxed and leaned against her mother's arm. Still, she didn't take her eyes off the man now standing in front of them with his hands shoved into his pockets.

Though it was disconcerting to see them both staring up at him with identical expressions, he couldn't tear his eyes away from them.

"Hello Penny."

"Kevin."

"How've you been?" Kevin looked at her as he spoke, but didn't miss the fact that the little girl's eyes never left his face. She had not a trace of a smile on her face, and her unnatural composure began to unnerve him.

"You can see for yourself." Penelope answered him evenly. "I'm just fine."

"Aren't you going to invite me to sit down?"

"I don't think so Kevin. There's nothing here for you." Penelope voice remained calm and she never lost the serene look on her face.

"See, I think there is." Kevin leaned forward, resting his hands lightly on the table. It brought his face down closer to the little girl's. "I have something to tell this lovely little girl."

As the child continued to gaze at him, Penelope stiffened and wrapped her arm protectively around her daughter.

"No. You don't want to do that, Kevin." He didn't miss the urgency in Penelope's voice. He mistook it for panic and was secretly pleased.

As he had looked at the family earlier, Kevin had found himself verging on anger. Penny had obviously moved on … or rather, back … to Derek Morgan. He couldn't believe how that aggravated him. He hated that everything always seemed to work out for Penelope. He was the one who had gone on to bigger and better things, yet here she sat, complacent and – he was sure of it – pitying him. A nasty little part of him wanted to watch that composure shatter, and he thought he knew just how to do it.

"I think she deserves to know, don't you." His eyes flicked away from the child to Penelope.

"Kevin, I promise you … you do not want to do this." Penelope glanced over Kevin's shoulder to note that Derek and the boys were still focused on the balloon man.

"Oh, I think I do." Kevin looked back at the girl.

"Hey honey," he said, in a soft voice that was supposed to be gentle, but just sounded weak. "I'm your daddy."

"No you're not!" The child exclaimed with all the scorn of a nine-year-old. "_My_ daddy's over there, with my brothers."

Kevin tossed a triumphant grin at Penelope before turning back to the little girl, "But you don't look anything like him … he can't be your daddy. I'm your daddy."

"I said you're _not_!" She repeated with even more force and scorn. "Besides, I don't look anything like you either, mister. I look like my mommy."

Not expecting that response, Kevin straightened up, throwing a glance at Penelope. The small grin on her face suddenly made him understand that maybe he had made a mistake. He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could, the child piped up again.

"What's my name?"

"I … I was going to ask you to tell me, honey." Kevin tried to cover his growing shock at the maturity of the little girl.

"You don't even know my _name_." The withering look she gave him further threw him off guard. "My name is Abigail … my _father_ named me!"

Abigail swung her legs over the bench and stood up, tossing her blond curls behind her. Closing her book she looked at Kevin, "Besides, I already know who you are … you're the man who left my mommy alone when she was pregnant with me … that's not a daddy. I told you … my daddy's over there. I may not look like him, but everyone says I have all his ways."

She looked at her mother, a question on her face, one eyebrow raised in a truly disconcerting reflection of Derek.

"Go ahead, Lollipop." Penelope smiled at her daughter, the smile growing wider as she watched the beautiful little girl race away to join her father and brothers.

Turning back to a shocked Kevin, Penelope said, "I warned you. You really didn't want to do that. Now I think you better leave, because Derek's on his way back … and I doubt you want to be here when he gets back."

Kevin glanced up and noticed that Derek was now almost halfway back to the table. He'd been put in his place by a nine-year-old. Suddenly he didn't feel like he wanted to take on Derek as well. Without another word, he turned and walked back in the direction of the gate.

* * *

Penelope hadn't even bothered to watch him leave. All her attention was focused on her handsome husband and the beautiful children dancing around him. As they reached the table, Abigail and the boys dropped to the grass to play with the balloon animals Derek had bought.

Derek came over to his wife. Leaning down, he placed one hand protectively on her rounded stomach and kissed her upturned lips.

"Are you okay, Baby Girl?" He murmured against her mouth before straightening up. "I saw him."

"I'm perfectly fine, Hot Stuff." Penelope laid her hand over his on her stomach, and looked at him with laughter in her eyes. "When we get home, ask Abigail what she told him."

Abigail certainly had Penelope's confidence and Derek's mannerisms, but there were some days that Penelope thought she took her truly uncanny ability to use her smarts from her genius godfather.

Derek raised one eyebrow curiously and looked down into his wife's face.

Penelope burst out laughing, "I'm not telling. You'll have to ask your daughter."

FIN


End file.
